There will come a time with no more tears

[25yearsmlc]

We have to remind ourselves, gently if possible, that the options presented to us are

NOT

1) a good marriage with our stbx spouse

versus a

2) horrid divorce.

Our real option is HOW to handle the divorce that is going forward in a healthy way,

or pretending it's not,

which puts at risk, our financial security and a whole, healed heart.

[Treasur]

Thanks, Gordie. Not sure I always feel that. The truth is that in the last two years I've had a bit of a breakdown really. I lost my dad, my mum, my beloved husband, my home, my sense of reality, my business is on its knees, I've had cancer, I'm being divorced against my wishes, I'm on my own with no-one to back me up, I have hardly any money and I feel like a complete failure. Actually, I'm amazed I'm still here at all...I am almost 54 and my life has fallen apart into a million tiny pieces. I think I have gone to the very dregs of my soul and my strength. But I am still here and I am still fighting for a better future.

I don't know what happened to my H. I think life has forced us both, in different ways, to see some terrible truths. I'm sure he's ok but I know he's not happy or well, just like me.

My comfort is that I would struggle to see how the next 2 years could be worse right?

[Treasur]

And my H's response to my request to email about the £ stuff for his divorce instead of talk?

Dear W

I'm sorry but I've had a number of family related issues to deal with in the past few days so have not been able to give your email the time it needs.

I will read it properly and reply fully in the next two days.

Apologies

H

I think I'll just do nothing.

[Citygrl]

Oh Treasur, sounds like you are in a dip. I get there too. Hang on. It will change! Sorry I haven't been more supportive have had it crazy as am going on a trip tomorrow for a week.

The 15 is great. Spitalfields sounds good too. Never been there. So need to go.
Excited we are a group.

Your husband is a (insert bad word here). Who sends an email like that? Oh yeah. My husband lol. Think they don't know how to respond so they get all businesslike and act like they are so busy and impersonal. Actually think it is good how he responded in the sense you know you confused him. Of course would be better if they were normal but they're not. Just another example.

[25yearsmlc]

in the last two years I've had a bit of a breakdown really. I lost my dad, my mum, my beloved husband, my home, my sense of reality, my business is on its knees, I've had cancer, I'm being divorced against my wishes, I'm on my own with no-one to back me up, I have hardly any money and I feel like a complete failure.

ouch^^^. Treasure, your words are hauntingly relevant here. It is some seriously negative feedback - so let us RE-FRAME this^^. Bandage the wound for now.

Do not be so darn hard on yourself. Be as you would with another, i.e., gentle and encouraging. Strange to realize we are harder on us than anyone else in our lives, isn't it?

We can change that, and we have to. And you are NOT alone. Seriously.


Actually, I'm amazed I'm still here at all...I am almost 54 and my life has fallen apart into a million tiny pieces. I think I have gone to the very dregs of my soul and my strength. But I am still here and I am still fighting for a better future.


Yes you are still here! Me too! (& Bravo!) My mom was 93 and very active till the morning she passed. So no, This is not our last hurrah, we have half of our lives left to live. Let us LIVE those years.

back to you,It is your turn, Treasure. Let's find a way to embrace this turn and to use it fully.


I don't know what happened to my H. I think life has forced us both, in different ways, to see some terrible truths. I'm sure he's ok but I know he's not happy or well, just like me.

My comfort is that I would struggle to see how the next 2 years could be worse right?

Okay I apologize for the length of this but you raise painfully important issues.

Yes you would struggle more imo. I cannot see an alternative. (Re the breakdown, who wouldn't have had one? If you didn't smash someone's face in or gain 480lbs, I'd say you handled a lot of crap thrown at you in a condensed time, quite well).

What are you pondering other than forward movement?

IMO, we won't ever "know" what happened to them.

I accept that b/c there is NO answer which would help us in any way.

1) They probably do NOT know themselves, b/c they don't know themselves. Even if they had a moment of clarity, which they can have, they are not static emotionally. They swing around and change.

They run from negatives and they create more, and they lie. Not just to us, but to themselves. Lying complicates life far more than truth ever could. They don't seem to get that.

They must turn away from the wreckage of their own making, they must deflect from regret and remorse because they don't like how that feels AND so they run from it, if it triggers action on their part, (like trying to make amends or move back towards their family). Best to deflect or wallow as if WE hurt them and WE gave up - or my kids have been "brainwashed" by me, to not feel close to their absentee dad.

OR
2) they continue to bitterly justify behavior that is not justifiable, by rewriting the marital history. I really cannot have anymore of that in my life.

In reality, IF they are capable of facing the truth, they'd feel like $h1t for hurting the people that loved them the most. It would devastate them. So - no, imo, that won't be happening anytime - surely not this decade.

AND 3) worse, if it were possible to know the "real reason", WE might not like it. The actions speak for themselves no matter how they "feel".

When I lament how dishonest h was and find myself foolishly thinking "IF he had only told me 'X & Y', THEN I'd have known what to do and we could have worked it out" etc.

then I get real.

Given the choices my h has made, if I imagine him taking "truth serum" it might reveal some terrible truths.

I fear that h began to check out awhile back, with an unknowable number of years fostering his grievances, real or perceived, and they warped in his mind. The few things I know he has said about our marriage are unrecognizable to me.

His memory NOW is so distorted that I'm stunned when I read it. I thought it was someone else's pleading, (literally - I had to go to the signature page to check if it was my h's name!)

I now think he kept "testing" me out the past few years, to see if I could earn the right to have him stay with our family. I did not know I was still auditioning for the part.


I believe your h may feel as my h seems to --and

My H's choices are NOT b/c our children or I failed him, but because he blames others for his life and his own sense of dissatisfaction is linked NOT to his own choices, or poor relationships he neglected, but to ME or our children.

It is self evident that my children and me were not THE priorities in his life, or he would not have done what he's doing. The proof is all right^^there.

Do I really need to know what he tells himself to justify the unjustifiable? No thanks.

Do you really need to know what your overtly depressed h tells himself to justify his behavior?

Treasure remember when you were a single adult before you married your h? What was life like back then, for you? What did you enjoy doing? Who were you then? Who are you, now?

Can you try to stir the upsides of that Premarital time and recreate what you loved then, and discover what you love, now?

I met my h at age 19. This is the first time I've lived alone in my life, AND it's the first time I have not had a boyfriend/husband, since the age of 15, give or take a few months.

So I know, cognitively this^^^ is a valuable life experience I would never have had, unless h had died.

Gross as it is, it's propelled me towards far more emotional and spiritual growth than I would have encountered otherwise. That is a fact.

The more detached I feel, the more manageable the pain, and the more likely for me to feel the upsides of this ordeal. Upsides do exist and are increasing. Do you believe that applies to you? So we have to reaffirm detachment choices.

I truly believe you are bound for so much more happiness than otherwise, and I can't wait for you to create it.


Lastly, here is a prayer I find helpful. And you might like the authors body of work, btw.


Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and constant wondering is constant suffering.

**Caroline Myss


((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

And my H's response to my request to email about the £ stuff for his divorce instead of talk?

Dear W

I'm sorry but I've had a number of family related issues to deal with in the past few days so have not been able to give your email the time it needs.

I will read it properly and reply fully in the next two days.

Apologies

H

I think I'll just do nothing.

yes, agreed. What is there to "do" anyhow? Speed him up? Can you get a default judgement if he keeps dragging his feet?

Please protect yourself, it'll genuinely help you in a LOT of areas.

And you deserve the money anyhow.

[leahsue]

Treasure, oh Treasure,
It breaks my heart to read your post above. And to see you being so hard on yourself. You would NEVER talk to me or any of your other friends on this forum like that. You have the gift of encouragement. You need to turn it inward.

If the things that happened to you during those two years had happened to me, and I was beating MYSELF up for them, things totally out of my control, what would you say to me? You need to do some radical self-care and love, girlfriend. You are so valuable and are here for a reason. Don't listen to the negative inner voice. Tap into that strength that lies just below the surface of you.

HUGS!

[OwnIt]

Treasur, at some point in the not too distant future you will see the humor in his ridiculous response (not to mention his behavior). He's been busy with "family matters" and can't converse with his "wife" about important financial matters after 2 years? Whatever. How do you Brits say POS?

[Treasur]

Isn't it funny how you see what I don't? I didn't think (other than my comment about feeling a failure) that I was being hard on myself...it was just a list of things that have happened and are real.

So you've made me wonder. I think I think I should have done 'better' somehow, been 'stronger' or fixed the mess of my own life quicker. You're quite right though, if I was listening to someone else, I'd think they have done amazingly well to survive it at all and to do it without becoming bitter or self-destructive. (Or not too much, my self-destruction is avoidance and smoking again, and getting stuck in thinking rather than acting.)

25, I honestly don't believe my H's mental health problems are my fault or the fault of our M. They were sleeping bombs and when life got hard, kaboom. I don't need to know why or what is in his head now although I did for a long time because he changed so much. And it's hard to see someone you love fall apart and refuse your support. I don't believe he will magically 'get better' anytime soon or that our real love for each other will be part of my life again. I do believe he loved me and that part of him may still do, but I also see that his way of handling his issues is to make a new life/self without me. The practically tough thing is that his mental health also affects how he deals with the D which has made it much harder and more expensive and dragged out. And his self-absorption has been cruel. I don't hate my H but his behaviour has been horrific. And has seemed to go unchallenged really by his family or psychiatrist. (I do hate his psychiatrist but am aware that is probably displacement!) The 'business-like' response by my H is just what he does when he has emotions he doesn't like. I don't know if he is telling the truth; it doesn't matter really. The reality is that he filed in Jan and didn't really engage at all with the legal process until June and he is still not treating it as a priority for whatever reason. To be fair, both the financial stuff and the final D won't improve my life in the short-term relative to other things I need to do.

My life before H? I ran a successful business and was financially much stronger. Work was the centre of my life actually. I travelled a lot. I was a bit lonely probably but had (and still have) lots of friends. I had my parents as back-up and a place to retreat to if life got hard. My relationship with H brought an intimacy and joy that was new to me. I miss intimacy, the feeling of someone having my back, but I know that I need to rescue myself now rather than look for someone else to do it. I'm too battered right now to be a decent partner to anyone.

So, where am I being negative? Probably thinking I 'should' have been quicker/stronger in fixing my own mess and being more decisive maybe? But everyone just died or disappeared into mental illness and left me with all the rubble...losing all three of them was just too much for me. If it had just been my H, I'd have dealt with it better probably.

Where I am now...detached enough to no longer hope for my H or M to be restored, detached enough that I don't 'mind read' or look for nuance in his responses. I wish I didn't have to but I have let him go in my head and look forward to a time when the practical ties between us are severed. Better for me. Better for me not to talk to him or see him because I know there is a tiny bit of me searching for signs of the 'real' him and that's not good for me. My priorities need to be work and money, to survive the next 6 months, but I am also snowed under by the legal and financial demands of being my mother's guardian. I don't think I'm a bad person or that I deserved any of this. I just think that life decided to slap me in the face from all sides simultaneously. Events that I didn't cause and was powerless to fix. When I feel sorry for myself (and I do sometimes) it feels really unfair and as if nobody has thought about me at all. If my H's family troubles involve the death of either of his dysfunctional parents or his enabling aunt (who was also my friend of 25 years who has ignored me too), then a nasty bit of me thinks that his karma bus might give him the chance to feel a bit of the loss I've felt. If so, unlikely to improve his mental health right?

I miss my H more than I miss being married. I just miss the uniqueness of him. I miss how it felt to be loved as he loved me, and to love him back. Small things. The positives of what has happened? By running away and refusing my support, it did mean that I didn't have to live with his self-centred craziness as well as coping with everything else.It did leave me in limbo practically and financially but maybe I needed the time to claw myself out of the pit. I don't know. It is as it is, irrespective of what I want or what I need.

Sorry, bit long and burbling. I spend too much time alone. Today I need to meet with the court representative at my mother's care home. Yay. Tomorrow I am having lunch with friends including the priest who married us. Lashings of wine on a terrace overlooking the sea.

I think I feel a failure because I'm not where I thought I would be at 53. This is not the life I planned, but some of that is about other choices, nothing to do with my M. Those choices left me more vulnerable when the storm hit because I'd invested in the needs of other people - the four people who were my 'tribe', my parents, husband and his aunt/my friend - and all of them left me. But my financial and emotional vulnerability is my own responsibility and I'm cross with myself.

I saw a TED talk about marrying yourself - for richer for poorer etc. I meant my vows to my H and I have tried hard to find a different way to honour them when he broke. Mostly with no success, but letting him go with love and compassion is the closest I can get. I believe that those vows mattered to the person who was my H too and if he were here, he would want me to look after myself better and not be so hard on me, that's true. Maybe marrying myself is the way to go now!

[Treasur]

Treasur, at some point in the not too distant future you will see the humor in his ridiculous response (not to mention his behavior). He's been busy with "family matters" and can't converse with his "wife" about important financial matters after 2 years? Whatever. How do you Brits say POS?

POS works...or w**ker or t*sspot would be the British version! My H has been too 'busy' with work/depression/anxiety/? to deal with anything for 2 years. It is ridiculous but I'm not dealing with a sane adult...

It's a gift of this community to know I'm not on my own in that!