Treasur, you really are all over the place. It is understandable. I'm sure having him pop up and send these mixed signals and having the specter of meeting is hard. But, you have to press on and do you.
Really work on your detachment and give serious thought to what you control and what you don't. That has been helping me so much and propelling me forward. I like focusing on things I can control and letting go of the things I can't. It feels good.
Actually, don't mean that. I know he loved me but I'm just tired of life being so grim and hard. I miss my H's face. Still think it's better for me to be as detached and NC as possible though.
Treasure, as complicated and painful as some of these situations are, I've come to believe one piece of advice that applies to 90% of the situations here.
Which is to detach and go NC as best you can.
IF the time comes when your WAS wants back in, the reality is that WE would need such clarity and effort from them to know
that there'd be no hazy foggy shifting "mixed messages" b/c without clarity and intention from them,
why bother?
So I suggest the NC/Detachment plan until IF AND WHEN you have a reason to re-examine it.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, all. You're right, lots of internal bopping around but I'm ok. Lots of reasons - a health scare, problems with my mother, coming up to 2 years post BD, wedding anniversary soon. Think it is just a stage of letting go really and then looking back at some of the crazy stuff that's happened and still feeling shocked by it. Having to accept how grim it has been, how helpless I felt and how things I believed turned out not to be true.
I guess the 2nd hand experience of depression/MLC has left me living in a paradox really. That my H and best friend just stopped talking to me 2 years ago. Nothing I could do about that and no idea why. And being honest with myself that it is as it is, that it it isn't what I want because I still love my H but I don't expect it to change. Lots of emotions really.
But I'm better at separating how I feel from what I do. Detachment and NC helps, as does looking forward more than back. Maybe I've just hit the grim bit of acceptance where I just don't expect anything to get better with the H/M sitch and can't quite feel how the rest of life is going to unfold in a way that will be better than what I've lost?
I'm ok though. Pressing on. Dealing with the practical stuff the best I can. STBXH seems to have gone back to silence because I refused to talk, but it's better for me to deal with the D stuff by email. Actually it would be nice to have a month's holiday from it all!
Shall we go for the 15th in London? Lunch? How about meeting at Spitalfields Market?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
25 - does make sense. absolutely. I don't expect my STBXH to return. Or even to explain WTF happened. Tbh, I'm not sure I would even have the energy to think about the incredibly hard work of piecing even if I'm wrong and he did!
Detaching & NC is about my sanity and survival, not about my H or M. Just a way to get through the inevitabilities of the D stuff without taking more hits than I need to.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Found this post by buttrfly on another thread...this is maybe where I am
Isn't it a trip to sit next to the person you've spent most of your life with and wonder,"Who are you?" I asked myself over and over, did I ever really know him? Was it all a lie? That is a huge mindf(*& for the LBS and a tough place to be. I've found a measure of peace by stopping that train of thought and working on accepting who my exh is now - The rest is irrelevant to my future.
I think it's a terrible place to end up - a sad chapter to a story that started with so much love and promise. We have to remember though that it's only a chapter, right? It's not the end of OUR story or OUR lives, even though sometimes it may feel like it is.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Good Morning!! I'm back! London, lunch 15th is good for me. Sounds like you've been all over the place which is hardly surprising but for what it's worth I think not seeing him was absolutely the right decision.
SJ x
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
You are doing awesome. I feel so many of these same things, particularly seeing a future that is better without w. But then reality sinks in. Life with someone who doesn't want me is pretty miserable. There is a better future for you and for me.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
