Pam, exercise...what can I say? Great minds think alike!
Pattie, Thanks for the support. He has quit once before. Back when we were dating...he snuck around then, making me the enemy that he had to outwit...in his mind. GRR! I don't want that to happen...bad for our relationship!
Betsy,
I absolutely agree with you. This has to be his decision.
But I told him back before he moved in with me that he could only move in with me if he quit smoking.
He said, "He fully intended to quit smoking, but could I please be compassionate and understanding and agree to him not quitting until he no longer works at Comp?"
I worked at Comp as a Front End Manager for three months...so I could completely relate to how stressful it is to work there. So, I agreed...with the caveat that he'd quit as soon as he got a job on campus.
Well now he has a job on campus.
I asked him to start quitting during his week of vacation. He didn't.
This morning, he said he wished he had started quitting while he was on vacation...agreed that this would have been the smart thing to do.
And as you saw, now he's asked for a month to get settled into his job before he quits.
Was my first mistake saying he could move in with me without quitting?
Probably.
To explain how bad his addiction is. Yesterday I told him I was stressed too and really wanted to start stuffing food into my mouth.
He asked me if I was going to. I said, "NO!"
He said, "I was hoping you would so that I could have a cigarette."
I said, "Don't you want me to be thin?"
He said, "Yes, but right now I really want a cigarette."
After reading your post I'm really feeling despair.
His not quitting is not enough to make me walk.
But it does affect my health.
And if we are lucky enough to have kids together, I don't want them suffering as you have.
And Husband is the oldest of 5 children. Both his parents smoke...and now 3 of the kids smoke. I told him I didn't want our children growing up around smoke. And that if they did, it would just increase the chance that they would smoke.
His response? "By the time our children get to the age where they start smoking, smoking won't be legal."
Sigh.
Our relationship has improved to the point in which he can turn to me with his struggles. That means sooooo much to me.
I guess I need to be focused on that instead of focusing on my FEAR that he won't ever quit.
I should ACT AS IF he's sincere in his desire to quit in a month.
I'm sure there's a 180 I can do but the only one I can think of is to not bring it up. And that's what I've done since October, when we moved in together.
I know I have no control over whether he quits or not.
I've already told him how important it is to me that he follows through on what he says he's going to do.
There is no new information that I can give him that will help him quit.
So, I guess for now, my best DB strategy is to drop the rope. Keep creating a safe space for him and our relationship. And keep plugging away at my own addiction to eating when I'm stressed.
