Last night was Husbands first attempt at quitting smoking. He had promised to quit before we moved in together as it really affects my health. He was really good yesterday. We had some great talks about strategies and how much of a challenge it was. I told him that I thought we were going to be a great team and help each other reach our goals. Him:quit smoking, Me: Weight loss.
I could tell he was having a really rough time of it, even with the gum.
In the middle of the night he told me he didn't feel well.
We talked for a bit. He's extremely stressed about his new job and doing well there.
This morning he told me that he didn't think quitting right now was a good idea.
I told him that I believe he's always going to have some reason why "Now is not a good time."
He said he seriously didn't feel well.
I told him he was having some very understandable stress. New job, no longer a big fish in a small pond like he was at CompUSA...now he's a small fish in a new pond. And that he's gone for 30 years without having to deal with something this stressful...and yes...this is what real stress feels like.
He said he's never had trouble sleeping over anything like this. (He's had stressful events in his life..but he's never allowed them to touch him. Even his parents really nasty divorce didn't keep him awake at night.)
I told him I had the same reaction when I was abruptly fired from the job I had before this one. (And y'all would be proud of me..I didn't say I had this reaction when he walked! Go ME!!)
He told me that he didn't have to come to me, he could have just gone out and bought a pack and started up again.
I told him I really appreciated him coming to me. That that made me really happy. But that I am entitled to be disapointed and angry. (And folks the only reason he knew I was angry was because of the expression on my face...I wasn't doing or saying anything inappropriate.)
I told him, "If I came to you and told you that I was giving up on my weight loss efforts because I didn't feel good...you'd be upset with me too."
He denied it. Said, "I would be sympathetic if you told me you were physically hurting."
I said, "Look, the water in the pool is COLD, I'm SORE afterwards...I AM physically hurting. But I do it anyway."
He said I had a good point.
That he was upset with himself for being so stressed.
I told him again that being stressed is the normal reaction...that I believe the cigarettes just MASK his stress...but they don't relieve it.
He said he wanted to wait a month, get settled into his new job and then quit.
I said, "What guarantee will I have that you will follow through?"
He said, "If I don't, just start nagging me."
And I said, "How is that going to be good for our marriage??"
He said, "Look, I really do want to quit. I will do it."
I said, "Ok."
Sigh.
I did tell him that I thought he should start exercising now. That that will help him deal with the stress and get him used to exercising...so that when he goes to quit in a month, he will have already formed the habit of exercise to help him deal with the stress...and to combat the weight gain that most people go through when they quit.
He agree that it was a good idea.
And he also agreed to wear a bike helmet!!
So...I think we both handled that situation very well.
And I'm sooo incredibly proud of him for coming to me rather than sneaking around and making me his enemy.
Positives:
1> Husband came to me when he was struggling and TALKED to me. Let me in on what he was going through and what he was thinking.
2> He told me of some strategies he had come up with to sneak cigarettes... I told him the strategies I did when I was at my worst to sneak food. I think this was good cause it gave us a chance to laugh about it.
3> Him coming to me about this...sharing himself is such a huge deal to me. I love him so much!!
What a great conversation!! Positives all the way. You are so right about how he could have just snuck around and that would have crated a trust issue.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
What a great post! You maneuvered this mine field really well. It is SO tough to deliver a message of extreme importance without coming across as critical, nagging and judgmental.
Quitting smoking is one of those issues that is deeply personal. While I don't smoke (never have, never will), my parents were smokers, as were Mr. Wonderful's and many of my esteemed colleagues.
I, too, am bothered by smoke. I've had a lifetime of sinus and other head infections, and my ENT used to tell my mother point blank that the reason I never got better was because of the constant smoke. She is really sorry today for it.
And I understand your desire and need to state that this is really important to you. But I also understand Monkey's position: this can and should be a decision he wants to make, not be controlled into making.
After all, isn't it the principle of DR to draw our spouses back to us (and you did that exceedingly well) so that they feel safe in making decisions with us? In order for him to quit for good, this needs to be HIS desire. It's not enough to want to do it for someone else, or my parents would have been able to do that when I was a child.
Addictions are really tough to beat. But with a whole lot of effort and love, maybe he'll be encouraged to fight this worthwhile fight?
Good luck and great job!!!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Pam, exercise...what can I say? Great minds think alike!
Pattie, Thanks for the support. He has quit once before. Back when we were dating...he snuck around then, making me the enemy that he had to outwit...in his mind. GRR! I don't want that to happen...bad for our relationship!
Betsy,
I absolutely agree with you. This has to be his decision.
But I told him back before he moved in with me that he could only move in with me if he quit smoking.
He said, "He fully intended to quit smoking, but could I please be compassionate and understanding and agree to him not quitting until he no longer works at Comp?"
I worked at Comp as a Front End Manager for three months...so I could completely relate to how stressful it is to work there. So, I agreed...with the caveat that he'd quit as soon as he got a job on campus.
Well now he has a job on campus.
I asked him to start quitting during his week of vacation. He didn't.
This morning, he said he wished he had started quitting while he was on vacation...agreed that this would have been the smart thing to do.
And as you saw, now he's asked for a month to get settled into his job before he quits.
Was my first mistake saying he could move in with me without quitting?
Probably.
To explain how bad his addiction is. Yesterday I told him I was stressed too and really wanted to start stuffing food into my mouth.
He asked me if I was going to. I said, "NO!"
He said, "I was hoping you would so that I could have a cigarette."
I said, "Don't you want me to be thin?"
He said, "Yes, but right now I really want a cigarette."
After reading your post I'm really feeling despair.
His not quitting is not enough to make me walk.
But it does affect my health.
And if we are lucky enough to have kids together, I don't want them suffering as you have.
And Husband is the oldest of 5 children. Both his parents smoke...and now 3 of the kids smoke. I told him I didn't want our children growing up around smoke. And that if they did, it would just increase the chance that they would smoke.
His response? "By the time our children get to the age where they start smoking, smoking won't be legal."
Sigh.
Our relationship has improved to the point in which he can turn to me with his struggles. That means sooooo much to me.
I guess I need to be focused on that instead of focusing on my FEAR that he won't ever quit.
I should ACT AS IF he's sincere in his desire to quit in a month.
I'm sure there's a 180 I can do but the only one I can think of is to not bring it up. And that's what I've done since October, when we moved in together.
I know I have no control over whether he quits or not.
I've already told him how important it is to me that he follows through on what he says he's going to do.
There is no new information that I can give him that will help him quit.
So, I guess for now, my best DB strategy is to drop the rope. Keep creating a safe space for him and our relationship. And keep plugging away at my own addiction to eating when I'm stressed.
Oh, PIB! I was congratulating you, not trying to get you to go somewhere else.
Smile, sweetie. I believe you handled your boundaries well. But here's the best part of your post, one I think you should really focus on:
Quote: I guess I need to be focused on that instead of focusing on my FEAR that he won't ever quit.
I should ACT AS IF he's sincere in his desire to quit in a month.
PIB, you're now someone who is MORE than qualified to show how to make big changes that stick. Right? Show him your determination, along with your loving support, and I believe he will see this as something he can do (and should do).
I know you said it was a condition before moving back in. Well, that barn door is open and the animals have fled. This screams at me that you love this man enough to overlook his faults. You've already done the accepting, PIB. Now it's just time to follow your own advice.
A big hug, sweetie!
Betsey
p.s. Believe me, I have issues with Mr. Wonderful's tendency to reduce stress by grabbing a beer on his way in the door. You have to know I know this path really well. But my nagging him to stop didn't work...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Oh boy...that's where my defensiveness is coming from.
And I really needed to hear that I DID handle it well.
Thank you so much...
This is something I've been thinking about and struggling with lately.
Where do I draw the line between DBing and Standing up for myself. Is there a line to draw between the two? Can I DB while respecting myself and my husband? Of COURSE I can...where did I get the idea that DBing meant being submissive? How silly of me.
I think this last exchange shows that I have learned to respect both of us, while standing up for myself. Apparently I am not at the point where I can trust myself in saying that...so I really needed to hear it from one of my helicopter pilots.
Thank you so very much.
And I will focus on:
Our relationship has improved to the point in which he can turn to me with his struggles. That means sooooo much to me.
I guess I need to be focused on that instead of focusing on my FEAR that he won't ever quit.
I should ACT AS IF he's sincere in his desire to quit in a month.
And:
PIB, you're now someone who is MORE than qualified to show how to make big changes that stick. Right? Show him your determination, along with your loving support, and I believe he will see this as something he can do (and should do).
Thank you again, Bets. If it weren't for you and having this conversation, I wouldn't have realized that I had begun associating DBing with being Submissive. You helped me get what had been in my subconcious out on paper...where I could look at it and see how silly it was!
Quote: I'm sure there's a 180 I can do but the only one I can think of is to not bring it up...
Are you still showing him the list of daily positive? With his prior reactions when you started doing this, I have gotten the impression that your H and you are very similar in how encouragement fosters your motivation to stay with the endeavor. The very reason why you selected to go back to Weight Watchers, could be the very thing he needs to want to quit smoking...
Quote: Positives:
1> Husband came to me when he was struggling and TALKED to me. Let me in on what he was going through and what he was thinking.
2> He told me of some strategies he had come up with to sneak cigarettes... I told him the strategies I did when I was at my worst to sneak food. I think this was good cause it gave us a chance to laugh about it.
3> Him coming to me about this...sharing himself is such a huge deal to me. I love him so much!!
This might be the kinda of stuff he needs to hear to act on his desire to quit and to stay with it. Also include...
Quote: And I'm sooo incredibly proud of him for coming to me rather than sneaking around and making me his enemy.
I really thinks he needs to hear this.
... and when he tells you he went the day without a smoke, make sure that makes the list everytime.
Quote: Where do I draw the line between DBing and Standing up for myself.
You came up with the answer all by yourself, but just want to validate ... the two are not mutally exclusive, in fact ... good DBing is to find ways to draw each other closer as you stand up for yourself! ... and you have become really good at that! Just have to remember to remain patient because it still can take some doing to find those ways.
I will definately make sure to keep up with my positives...especially praising him for when he skips a cigarette!
Since I am not the equivalent of a room full of clapping/cheering people, perhaps when he tells me about skipping a cigarette, I should OVERDO my praise.
Perhaps even clap and arf him! (In addition to writing it in my positives journal.)
No, I don't think you need to OVERDO the praise ... that can be construed as not being sincere.
You seem to have received very good results from showing him the list of positives. I would stick with that ... maybe get a little creative with how to present them to change it up from time to time so it doesn't get stale ... like putting them in a greeting card rather than read them from your journal ... Maybe a PostIt note on the mirror (or lipstick?) ... Spell them out with Alphabet cereal in the morning ... anyway you get the gist.
... and you have become really good at that!