I let go last night and had a good rest. Woke up this morning to messages from her (strictly about the kids) that were sent at 1230 am. *sigh* Her come the flurry of thoughts again. I can't seem to get them out of my head.
Mind you, I am MUCH better since joining this forum than I was. I am happy and healthier. I got a few compliments about my weight loss yesterday.
I haven't engaged her at all. No MR talk, none of that, focusing on me.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Jm....I initially had many sleepless nights. I am almost in my 3rd mth of separation and I think I finally started to sleep peacefully over the past couple of weeks. Realize it is a process. I used to lay at wake at night running scenarios through my head, where she was at, what was she doing, was she boinking OM...stuff like that. No matter what anyone says thos flurry of thoughts are normal and you can't GAL every hour of every day. There will be times you will be alone with your thoughts. When that happened to me I would spend hours on this board reading over advice and sitch's from 10 plus years ago. It was better than therapy.
Getting compliments is AWESOME! It really helps boost your confidence. Keep it up! Don't stop!
The general rule on responding to text's is to only respond if it is actionable. If she asks a question then respond but keep it short, if she reaches out and it is just informational there is no need to respond. My W used to send me pictures of my kids for example, I would not respond to those.
Continue to keep your distance, don't bring up your R, D nothing! Just act happy, positive, confident at all times when you are around her.
I know I probably just post a lot of random stuff, with or without context. But I feel that it is better to put down my thoughts here, than direct them toward W. Because I am sure what I feel and say would not be positive or productive.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Better post it here than tell it to her face. Trust me, I know. Posting here is part of your healing process. I do not just to get advice, but to get things off my chest. It's therapeutic.
As J said, your mind is going to wander - it's normal. It will subside over time. My W hasn't turned of read receipts on her msgs so I know exactly when she has read my message. Sometimes it was really late at night and I would wonder what the hell was she doing in between those hours. Now I don't even bat an eye. I don't even check to see if she's read it. These thoughts will slowly lose impact. I still think about all kinds of stuff, much less now, but it passes and it doesn't affect me - this comes with doing all the DB stuff like GAL, practicing detachment over time, and improving yourself.
I do the same thing, it's better to post here then do something stupid in your sitch. It is also a good stress release for me to get my thoughts out and also serves as a reminder when this is over with to have something to refer back to.
Even if my sitch does not work out the resources on this board combined with all the wonderful people will help me with my future relationships.
Unfortunately, I can't get in to see my IC until Sept 16th. This whole process has been very fast but feels like it has gone on for almost a year already. I can barely keep my days straight.
I wish I knew what was in her head. I wish I knew if she missed me at all. I know she will probably never admit it, but I wonder if she thinks it was a mistake.
Is she keeping herself so busy so that she can fill the void? I just don't know. And because I don't I should not try and mind read. But I can't shut it off.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Man I feel your pain. I know you're hurt and angry and confused. Trust me, we all understand here. The ones who are fairly new in their sitch's - all of us are going through shades of those emotions and thoughts.
But I want you to do something today and tomorrow.
1. Think critically about where you fell short in the MR? What has W said to you - even if you disagree there is a kernel of truth in there. Find that truth and really think about it. Put her high heels on and try and see it from her end. Then write it all down. And then start figuring out how you can work on them - for YOU, not to win her back. Your goal here is to be a better Jmstl 2.0. It is to grow your own humanity and achieve peace and happiness.
2. What are your physical health goals?
3. What are your emotional/mental health goals?
4. Write down 2-3 activities you love doing? Start doing them - I mean put it down in your calendar and do it.
5. Write 2-3 activities or things you've always wanted to do, or you find intriguing? Start trying them one by one and see how you like it. Again, put it in your calendar and follow through.
6. If you are feeling super anxious and running through light years in your head - get Insight Timer app and see if you can use some of the guided meditation sessions. Some like it some don't. I am growing to enjoy it and it's making me more calm and chill and present to my own needs.
7. Great about IC. Keep it up.
Most importantly, DON'T make these plans and goals in your head only. WRITE THEM DOWN! Put them in the calendar! Develop timelines.
Now you have concrete achievement goals for YOU!
This is going to help you focus it all back on YOU and you will slowly start detaching from your thoughts about her.
You have to do this! Do it today and tomorrow and report back. I am speaking from experience. I have been where you are right now - you can extend this mindset and horrible feelings by wallowing in it, or you can take back control of your life. It is super empowering.
Main complaints-I am not loving and nurturing in the way she needs. Main love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I would constantly affirm her. Quality time suffered as we started to grow apart, and cycled. I am working trying to be more loving and nurturing. I am not motivated, I don’t take the lead-I have found motivation. I am making progress in my career, I am motivated to save my marriage. Motivated to grow in PIES, through healthy living, IC, and church. Consistency is becoming habit, becoming part of me now. Taking the lead is more difficult. In our discussions through the S, I have said “I want to take the lead on this”. She will say okay, and if it doesn’t get done immediately, she will do it herself.
2-Health goals. Lose 30 lbs (down 20) Quit smoking-Smoked for 18 years. Stopped for a year. Restarted when S started due to stresss. 3-Health/Emotional goals-Learn to be loving and accepting of myself. To not be afraid to fail. To learn conflict resolution and assertiveness. 4-Walking, Fishing, writing. Walk every day Got a chromebook and hammered out 5 pages of a book 5-Try new craft beers-Going tonight to try some Kickboxing always seemed interesting-Signed up Monday Learn to program-Got a chromebook, and taking some classes on coding The insight timer I will look into.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Main complaint Overall-I am not healthy and happy, mostly due to emotional issues tied to my childhood
My resolution-Talked with the person who I have conflict with (Wife was present and said she would stay. This was the first week of S talk) IC. Focusing on health.
I am mental and phsycially healthier and happier than I have ever been, sitch aside.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I have a question. Do any of you here actually know of any success stories? Not just one's Michelle might put up on her page, but rather people that came to these forums, and managed to actually save their marriage and make it stronger?
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017