Hi everyone, I will write a longer update soon but just at the moment I am having a struggle and I don't want to bother my g/friends with it, I already know what they will say and I agree with them, yet the internal struggle with head and heart is still present in my thoughts.
It's H's birthday tomorrow - 80 % of me says leave well alone, if he really wanted to hear from me he would instigate it and if I open communication I most likely would be opening up a can of worms .....painful ones where only I get hurt ...again, plus keeping my expectations at zero of a reply, a nice reply, is easier said than done. But there is 20% of me that feels I should send him greetings, just wish him a nice day, no more, I genuinely do wish him a nice day, and part of me thinks back to the last time he went dark and when he finally did contact me he said he had wanted to for months but did not feel he had the right to do so, so this may be the excuse he needs to open the channel again.
I know I am not ready to deal with what may happen either way, whether it be ignored, him tell me something it don't want to know, or even if he uses this to reach out, I don't think I am able to deal with it without becoming an emotional stressed out wreck again - I know this, yet that 20% of me, the little voice in my head, keeps saying " do it, don't sink to his level, there is no harm wishing him a nice day and showing you are thinking about him, he may need to hear that right now"
i know there is no advice you can give me, only I can decide what to do and deal with how I feel as a result of it. I am so weary of this mlc sadness creeping in at every opportune moment, reminders of what once was. This is the first time I have struggled with to contact him or not - up till now it's been resolute not.
Thanks for listening to me, I just needed to get it out of my head and know that here is a safe place to do it without judgement of how I am feeling right now.
