I have tried to let go of what I want. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could take it or leave it and I keep trying to think that way. I delved in a little with my IC about how I grew up doing just that. I pretended like I didn't care if I had a normal family, or a normal mom, or a home to go back to when I left at 18. I pretended like I was little miss tough where nothing affected me. I pretended in high school like I didn't care I was ugly and that I didn't care that guys weren't interested in me. Actually I went through this somewhat of this hot topic kind of girl phase with the JNCO jeans and rock t shirts (I did atleast actually like the bands) chain wallet thing going on. I realized when I got older it was because I knew if I dressed like that it was a different reason why the boys didn't want me. Because it was a CHOICE to look as I did and if they didn't like my choice, too bad. But if I dressed in the trendy clothes like the other girls, then I knew why they were rejecting me and that hurt too much.
From 18 on I had a lot of anger. I only realize that now too. I was angry with my mom, I was angry the way my life turned out, then later I was angry with my ex.... and that anger began when we began dating. I was angry for him treating me crappy while I over extended myself for him to just love me and choose me. Most of that anger actually left after the divorce. I finally let myself really feel. And the anger was something that wasn't building up anymore.
Right now I don't have a choice but to really let go of what I want. I don't want to become angry again. My way of not becoming angry is honoring what I want, not pretending like I don't want or need it, but rather in a way, grieving what I don't have while appreciating what I do. Sometimes it's just difficult.
This morning D9's friend was coming over after we went to pick up my online grocery order and go to walgreens to get a present for the ex and pick up scripts. I get back in the car and yup, that battery did die on me. I called D9'sfriends mom and she came, and we learned how to jump start a car. I went and got a new battery installed today when ex took D9 for a few hours for his Bday. D9 and her friend baked cupcakes and we made him a mini bundt cake, frosted it and put a candle it. I cooked my first meal today since surgery. I was on my leg a lot and it hurt, but I'm getting back to life. We waited an hour past my apt time yesterday, but I got my stiches out and I start PT tomorrow.
Ii had a really sad dream the other night about FF. It's kind of weird, in the day, every time he pops in my head, my brain has learned to reject him because it's rejecting a pain I feel. Which I guess is good. But that dumb dream.
Last night I got back in my bed last night and got to sleep without the brace, but I am not sleeping well. Aleast I was more comfortable.
I just neededto journal that out.
I am actually not as miserable of a person as I come across. I am usually funny and laughing and energetic. I just have to find my "thing" that isn't exercise going through the holiday season.
