Thread #3 - Mediation

[KevinIn]

Journaling - Another mediation session today...


Background:
-Separated in mid-February
-Had a few mediation sessions, but it was tough emotionally
-Asked wife for a break from mediation in May so i could regain my composure
-Got to a better place over the past few months (or so I thought)
-Scheduled a mediation session for today
-Prepared for today by keeping in mind what really means the most to me: my kids

So, we had our mediation today. I scheduled it for the perfect time when i knew i'd be in a good mood, happy, not angry (relatively speaking), and all around in the best mental place for mediation.

I started with a few no conflict, easy to agree upon items. We agreed and were able to come to agreement on quite a few items. But, I could tell the wife was not in a good place mentally. Her hands were shaky and she was irritable.

Finally, out of no where in the middle of a discussion about custody, she brings up money. Something had been bothering her, but she never brought it up previously. Then, she started talking about it and getting very irritated and worked up. I remained calm and collected and listened to her.

We eventually moved through a few other minor custody details when she threw out a HUGE request that i didn't agree with. Instead of saying no or laughing or any other response, I calmly asked some clarifying questions, took notes, and said i'd be more than happy to think about her proposal. It was a solid 180 from her memory of the "old me". I truly wanted to be flexible and collaborative.

A few minutes later she was visibly mad. I asked why she was acting angry and I said i'd like for us to move forward in a more collected fashion. I then said that "i'm not getting worked up and i'm making an effort to stay calm and focused." She then said i was being condescending and she hated that about me. I truly wasn't being condescending, but that's what she thought so it didn't matter.

I had a few big requests of my own, so I laid them out in what i thought was a fair presentation and kept calm throughout. I had flexibility in the options and asked for her input. There was no "it has to be my way" about it." My requests were simply items for discussion. I asked for her proposals on how to make them happen.

She said in a very angry tone "no. i will not consider these." She had zero flexibility.

The conversation continued to go downhill. I kept myself together for the most part, but did slip up at one point and said something a little sketchy. It took both the wife and the mediator off guard. I recovered from it and calmed them both down, which luckily allowed us all to reset.

We eventually walked away with both me and my wife emailing each other options on how to incorporate each other's wish lists into the custody agreement.

Oh, and she was mad that i had commented on some Facebook post about cheaters breaking up marriages. Apparently i shouldn't have done that. In reality, i should have just stayed off Facebook. I'm now deleting my entire facebook account - nothing good comes from it.

Overall, i'm happy i went into today with the right mental perspective. My DB Coach, Chuck, always emphasizes the need to be in the best mood possible. It was still very painful since i didn't want the separation and was willing to work on fixing our marriage.

On my ride home, i realized she still has no remorse about her affair, has not taken any responsibility for anything (including the affair), has a victim mentality, and isn't learning anything from this. She's combative and not in a good place.

I'd like to think i've learned from this and become a better person. But, maybe i have zero self awareness and i'm really the horrible person. Maybe she was right to have the affair and leave the marriage. I hope that's not the case and it [censored] i'm second guessing my own self perception.

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gaslight
[gas-lahyt]

verb (used with object), gaslighted or gaslit, gaslighting.

4. to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity

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