25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[OwnIt]

25 there is still going to be stuff in there you can control and stuff you can't. I think you need to break the problem down. First thing I would do if I were you, consult another lawyer and make sure yours is on top of things. I'm not convinced. Getting financial records should not be this difficult.

It's when we feel like a victim who can't control the outcome of our situation that we feel things like fear and anger. When we can self-advocate and take control and be assertive we have a place to guide those emotions in a productive and pro-active manner.

Please look at your situation from an outsider's perspective. What would you counsel someone to do if in your exact situation?

[25yearsmlc]

Own,

I think my L is "okay" - but I cannot afford to start over. I've already borrowed from siblings and my cc has only a bit of credit left, and my rent is due...

Hence the job search picking up speed.

[25yearsmlc]

As I was posting to Treasure about the curve balls some of us got all at once,

and feeling unempowered at times, I wrote this to myself.


On our 34th anniversary my H actually shed tears while making a toast to me for "all the sacrifices" I had made. He said he was "so so sorry" for all that I gave up. H was not a crier, so trust me when I say it was unusual, and almost awkward. I'll never forget it. I was touched and I think he meant it in that moment of clarity.

The next day my mom died unexpectedly, and I was grief stricken as were all my siblings.

2 weeks later H & I dropped our last child off at college in Boston, which was highly emotional. She was terrified.

The next night while we were still on the east coast, we took a walk and heard a gunshot, saw 2 men in cars speeding away. Then we found & tried to aid a murder victim. It was a big traumatic event in my life, which I will never forget.

Then we sold and moved away from the home I made and loved for 16 years, to another place for H's job. This was all in 6 weeks time.

I was sad & freaked out, but within 90 days I was pretty much myself.

It was a given that we would do a more permanent move together but deciding where to job hunt for me, was like algebra b/c I made HIS happiness THE priority.

So I flew back east for a family wedding, without h (as he was supposedly studying for his 10 year medical boards, which he did take, but who knows where?).

While back east with family, I suffered adult onset seizures and was hospitalized for almost a week in a neurosurgery ward. I was very fogged up and lost short term memory for months.

The only adults I knew then who had seizures out of the blue, are dead now. It was terrifying and life changing.

Finally AFTER I was discharged, h the DOCTOR came to retrieve me.
We were intimate and deciding things together, and I thought we would figure things out once we were back home in CA.

But H left me alone in CA, and I was unable to drive, nor bathe or swim unsupervised. I was in a haze, h was in a hurry. He was to start his 3rd Alaskan adventure (and to see his OW, whom I did not know of and whom I assume he met early that summer when he was "checking it out up there", again. Not sure it matters now.)

Next day I realized he blocked me from joint accounts. I called h, I got radio silence.
3 days after he left, I filed for divorce.

My family came & moved me back to the east coast, in a sisters' home.

Then I got my own place so that's 3 moves in 2 years, a death, a murder, empty nest syndrome, a medical crisis that has changed my life, and the end of a long marriage with an increasingly bitter divorce, with major financial strains and fears. Oh and I'm also unemployed and don't know how to do a job search in this market at this stage of life.

These^^ all occurred in a 15 month period.

When I read this^^^ I do not wallow. I pat myself on the back. I take a deep breath and I thank God.

Because I'm still standing. I have not hurt people who love me. I have not created wreckage and there is no one I cannot face.

I believe I'm around the corner from a much better life than I would have had, if I had joined H, or even if we had remained in our last house.

H was not honest with me, so I could not make informed choices. So be it.

Now I have enough information to make MY own choices.

That's something.

[leahsue]

You better believe, THAT'S SOMETHING.

You are seriously one of the most courageous, strong women on this forum.

You ARE still standing. And I love your line "I have not created wreckage and there is no one I cannot face."

Your H is an idiot. I don't care is he IS an Auburn grad- he's still an idiot.

And your better, bigger, healthy, full life is just around the corner. I truly believe that.

[Maybell]

Isn't it amazing to look back and tally up the storms we stood through? It reminds you not just of how strong your moral compass is, but how mighty you are as a person. And speaks volumes for how well people love you.

WRT the job hunt... I've hired a career coach. It's not cheap, but it's an investment in myself and my future happiness.

I think you're not too far from me if you want a recommendation (somehow) but I also think you're sufficiently connected to be able to find a good one through your own network.

[OwnIt]

25--I wish you could let him go. I wish you could have peace from this monster. He is mine x10. Mine at least is still (at this moment) paying the bills. I haven't seen the FB declarations or had the horrible things said to the children (clueless and insensitive check, but not that level of horror).

I can't talk about these POS men anymore. I just can't. They've thrown away amazing women for trashy ones. They have abandoned their own flesh and blood. They have thought only of themselves while we have despaired. Too much pain, too much destruction, too much focus.

On the job front, what can you do to make your own opportunities. That is what I would do in your position. Do you have an active bar card in the state where you now reside? What types of law have you practiced in the past? When were you last in the job market? What have you done to keep your skills up-to-date? What volunteer opportunities exist in your area (this can be a door to paid gigs)? How are your research skills--Westlaw, etc.? Let me help brainstorm this with you.

[Treasur]

Good god, 25. My Hat of Resilience is doffed to you. (It's a snazzy hat with sequins and feathers)

Our H's are currently POS human beings. And you're right that we should all be proud that we have fought hard not to be POS ourselves, to act with dignity and good heart. As OwnIt says, too much selfish destruction.

POS will continue to create s**t lives for themselves and everyone they touch. We deserve the right to make better for ourselves, and we will, even if we stumble sometimes. I am giving you the biggest virtual hug (and myself too) x

[25yearsmlc]

Own,

I have let him go. I was having a bad day but not b/c I wanted him back.

My life was turned upside down in every way. The house is gone, the money is gone, the "couple" part is gone. There are times I my want parts of my life back, but not h.

The money issues and my d20's fragile welfare, are relevant to me today in the present. A whole lot of my future, (including the job search) hinges on how the proceedings go. I'm still not employed and I've gotten 2 "courtesy" interviews that may well lead to a job, but both would take months more.

I am fairly confident that once I know what I can rely on financially, I won't look back more than a few times a year when reminders or events trigger recall.

I see my marriage very differently now, and I see my h very differently now as well.
But I feel self aware and awake.


I don't want that marriage or that man, back. Of course My wounded ego would like some sort of karma recognition that h lost a great mate & family.

The wounded ego triggers some retrospections. But the struggle with the injustice of this - is not the same as a desire for a reconciliation.

I am at peace with not being married to h again, ever. The man I loved and married is effectively dead to me. Any hope I have for the father of my children rebuilding something with them, exists in an abstract way, but I'm much better that I was before, in accept that their r's are not my responsibility. (That release has been good for me).

As for the job hunt issues, sending out resumes with a gap of several years is not yielding much. (FTR, yes part of the anger I have is that h's resume is pristine in part b/c of MY sacrifices and now I've got a resume with holes in it, and h has the gall to question my efforts & seems perplexed/mad that unlike him, I cannot send in a resume and get responses within 24 hours. That is actually what happened when I did a job search FOR HIM, and both times he got offers. I mean, they called, they flew us both out and they made an offer to him without almost any effort from h.

THAT^^ is what h thinks is a "job search."

Anyhow, I maintain contact with about 100 people from my high school class (I was class president in high school, and that used to be a burden every time we had a reunion.

NOW I hope it's going to be an asset for networking. I also went to law school in DC.

I've done trial & appellate work in criminal law, some legal aid and a lot of medical malpractice defense (or course, b/c it dovetailed with h's career). But all of these are areas where a case is a little story of a wrong committed to someone.

I'm not interested in working on a case that is 11 years old with 406 clients you never meet. (Well, I'm not YET interested in those...)


I have also taught adults personal finance and college students, English composition & political science. I have edited a best seller (did that in Alaska).

An avocation of mine is theater/film. I've been in some films (nothing huge) and a lot of plays & I perform stand up comedy. I've appeared in some well known venues.

(That's because I'm freaking hilarious. ) To be fair to h, he laughed loudly at jokes he'd heard the night before when I tried them out. Come to think of it, that was probably the most "loyal" thing he did.

SEE??? HE WAS COMMITTED!!! IT WAS ALL REAL!!

Back to earth,

GOALS:

1) do something that matters, as opposed to taking the job that works best as a woman with 3 kids, effectively them as a single mom. I have a lot of interests in social causes.

2) Someday soon, I'd like to work overseas or spend chunks of time there. So travel would be fine with me.

There, I welcome career advancement advice!

[OwnIt]

25--

I think legal aid is a good place to start to reenter the job market. How about possibly even a public defender's office with the criminal background? My first job was in a housing crisis center where I fought off evictions. From there I moved to legal aid and did all manner of civil cases. From there I pursued additional education and a specialty bar and have practiced in this area for 17 years.

With good research and writing skills another avenue is to hire yourself out to a virtual firm that backs up people when the workload gets too heavy. I have a friend in FL with her own practice desperate for help with a heavy case load and no way to get back up. These types of folks exist all over the country.

Have you joined the local bar in the area where you reside? Have you tried to visit the career offices at any local law schools. Have you put a posting on FB letting all of your friends and connections know you are seeking employment?

Having put my H through med school and doing everything to help him get there and handling everything at home from day one, I get it. I get the anger and resentment. The problem, I don't think they are helping you move forward.

Either alternative is equally painful: either he has always been this person and never loved you and was only using you (and everybody else) or he did and in the face of that threw you, your children, and your life away. I totally get how awful that is.

But, I'm beginning to feel some of that freedom that I see people like Pax, KML, Ciluzen and Ginger describe. I'm realizing how nice it is not to have to "discuss" things with him or get his "approval". How pleasant it is not to have someone tearing me apart every day.

I don't know about you, maybe it is different for you, but I read the accounts of people opining the absence of their dearly beloved. Maybe my mind is playing tricks to help me get through this, but I don't have any of those times. I think mine is right. I think we both settled with the other and were young and stupid. I think we pushed each other professionally and made lots of sacrifices together, but we lead completely different interior lives the whole time. I am not sure I have ever loved or been loved. I'm not entirely sure that I view that as a tragedy. I love my kids fiercely, I am a really good friend, and I have accomplished everything and more that I ever hoped professionally. I guess I'm saying I don't see much to look back for and the road ahead looks pretty darn good to me. I think you will see that when you get out of GDC (??) and find a job.

[25yearsmlc]

oh sorry I forgot to say I'm not licensed HERE> (H forgets that, i guess)

I'm licensed in Texas so I'd have to take the DC (or Virginia) bar in February.

Guess who doesn't want to take a bar exam 30 years after law school?




THIS GIRL!