WAS Rushing into Legal Filings

[FizzSer]

Got my wife's court filing today.

It's obvious she's very hurt and hates my guts. Lots of allegations and misinterpretations, much of which I have evidence against.

Ah well

[SwHubby]

I am sorry for you. I know how hurtful these misinterpretations are, when you meant something positive/neutral/respectful but it is interpreted as an insult instead.

Just keep your calm and maybe try to activate yourself.

[FizzSer]

It's too bad.

I think at this point I just need to submit my affidavits and evidence and go through the legal process. Otherwise she'll just always misinterpret/remember these things.

She'll hate me for it but she already hates me -- and in 6 months -6 years she might remember different.

[25yearsmlc]

Got my wife's court filing today.

It's obvious she's very hurt and hates my guts. Lots of allegations and misinterpretations, much of which I have evidence against.

Ah well

ALL the filings hurt. Most feel like attacks (and some are) and it's natural that we take them very personally.

I'm a L and I know they are what they are. Yet when I read the pleading my H's lawyer sent, I felt sick and I felt almost violated.

Then I looked on the last page to check if it was actually our divorce. It was so distorted that I wasn't sure I had the right one. Literally.


And some of the statements of fact (not his "spin" which happens in all cases) but actual misstatements of fact which I could easily prove (like H claiming to earn $100k LESS than he said, and I had the last tax filing so I just faxed it to my L and shook my head) - those perplexed me. It's almost as if h does not know he's lying. Like he believes it.

So there's "spin" which we have to let roll off our backs, (OR access that it's their perception of events, at the moment). But if it's a provably false statement,
just provide your L with your own evidence and move along.

We have to let go of the rest (not legally speaking, but emotionally).

Also, do Not assume she hates your guts. When we are hurt we assume the only way someone could hurt us is solely due to their hatred of us, rather than their own pain.

We have all had moments in which we feel hatred for our spouse b/c we are so deeply wounded and so very angry.

Only with more time and detachment will we (and they) be able to remember the good times and tender moments. It's counter productive to project strong permanent negative emotions onto them. (Nor should we project our own moral compass on them as well). Just try harder to detach.

We are far too close to the situation now, we cannot see the forest for the trees.

[25yearsmlc]

It's too bad.

I think at this point I just need to submit my affidavits and evidence and go through the legal process. Otherwise she'll just always misinterpret/remember these things.


you won't change HER mind with your evidence or your spin/interpretation.

I mean, please understand it is about doing what you need to do to protect your legal rights, not about "setting the marital record straight."

We saw 4 (yes FOUR) different marriage counselors, who all told h that his stubborn insistence our family return to Alaska - because HE liked it there, was not okay.

One used the word "selfish", another said H was "making choices like a single man" and so forth. H refused to attend anymore unless we chose another one (hence us having 4).

H never wavered in his position, never once conceded he might be acting irrationally or selfishly or without any empathy. He suggested I was "irrational" to dislike the idea of moving there again.

I expressed that it was no longer about the place itself, but about how little he cared about anyone else. He was completely unfazed and untouched by this.

H never changed his mind. He's there now.

I don't bother saying "but it's COLD" there, h would say it's "Brisk". Don't waste your life trying to be right.

Choose your battles carefully.



She'll hate me for it but she already hates me -- and in 6 months -6 years she might remember different.

Are you suggesting that your evidence is going to escalate and wound her? IS that really needed?

Slinging mud can be very expensive. Usually not helpful, always worsens some things.

Just protect yourself and your kids (and be as objective as possible about that).

Also, what are you doing to work on the issues you have identified for yourself?

[sandi2]

So, what exactly did she do with her time? When you say she's not been well, are you referring to her mild depression.......for which she is being treated? Does she have other health issues?

No idea! We even keep our son in daycare three days a week on days when she has a few hours of work. Don't know what she did with her free time that much -- napped, did some crochet, visit friends. House was usually messier when I came home than when I left.

When I meant by not well, I meant the lack of emotional support I was giving was exacerbating her depression and motivation. Every day, she would be fearful that I would come home and get upset about the mess the house was in as it just got in the way of the chores I had to do (cooking/cleaning).

If she was so darn fearful, why didn't she try pitching in with the chores? I realize I am an old fashion gal, but this just leaves me dumbstruck! Lack of emotional support? Maybe you were exhausted from doing all the work, and hiring outside help when you weren't there, b/c she refused to do anything. No wonder she says she's not up to caring for her child. She's not use to it! What did the girl have to be drepressed about? IMHO, I think you enable her when you speak as if she is in poor health.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be offensive........nor make myself appear dense. I do understand emotional support. What I can't understand is why a man would not find out what his W did to fill her days, when she obviously did nothing in the way of way of homemaking........and it wasn't b/c of her health, but b/c she did not want to do it. In my book, that is a huge difference. Would you talk with her about the condition of the house, and ask why is looked worse when you returned, etc.? Did you try to talk about her day and show interest in whatever she did? I'm sure you would. So, she must have simply refused to do anything...........or either, she gave some excuse of not feeling up to it.

I see why you feel it would be much better for you if the M did not reconcile. Let me ask one more question. Do you think any type of change would cause her to be motivated to contribute to making a home for her child?

[25yearsmlc]

I have a different take on the situation than Sandi, (which I hate!)

It is just a feeling that there are pieces to this story, missing. You allude to changes you want to make in yourself but you are vague about them.

You said early on that you were NOT the man you used to be and you did not like the man you saw in the mirror.

But most of the rest of your posts are negatively targeting your wife, and imply that you have a mean lazy crazy wife whom you would be better off without.

Maybe that is all true.

But there's something you are not proud of in yourself, and that's the only thing you can do anything about.

Make sense?