25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[25yearsmlc]

Yes, and my parents had a number of times when they were disgusted with Mr. Fantastic that were YEARS old that they never mentioned.

However, they also advocated for repairing the marriage, so....?????

well Maybell, they could have seen negatives in him AND wanted you to stay married. My late mother would have preferred that, I'm sure.

Some of the feedback is not valid (it makes me laugh to hear my most arrogant brother say that my h was "sometimes arrogant" b/c coming from THAT brother, is rich).

But my sisters nailed the goofy "oblivious to another POV" situations well. Looking back, I do a lot of SMH. H had a tendency to sort of "laugh" when caught in a faux pas or thoughtless act.

I covered for him a lot, socially, and with the kids. Not sure if I was conscious of it then so much as thinking we were a good team (b/c I covered for him! )

Jesus, this^^ is one of those moments when you realize writing this stuff out can hurt AND can open your eyes in new ways.

It's a good thing I'm not literally slapping my forehead with every realization, or I'd have a concussion by now.

[OwnIt]

I heard from everyone in my life how much they couldn't stand him the second he was gone, I was clueless. In my recent conversation with OW1, who was his attending in residency and then worked in the same ICU with him and remains connected to many of his coworkers, that there are many people who can't stand him, think he is fake, do not trust him, and that there is a sexual harassment issue that prevented him from returning to the hospital where he did his residency (I predicted that would be part of his future, but was too foolish to realize it had already occurred). We are too busy projecting the people we want them to be onto them that we don't see them for who they are as others do.

[25yearsmlc]

that's fair, Own.

But it sure makes me feel as if I wasted years, not seeing. Which sukks

((( )))

[OwnIt]

I can see how that would bother you (as it does me), but it really isn't the correct analysis. Consider how much more time you want to waste on this guy, the spent time is already gone. Read up on the law of diminishing returns.

[25yearsmlc]

oh yes, I recall the law of diminishing returns

along with the sunk costs theory, that helped keep me in it for too long.

(Or so I think, today.)

Ugh

[Maybell]

So the last few weeks have been a bit rough on me, at least in part due to my attitude. So yesterday I started a gratitude practice, which is helping.

So I would offer this restatement of your "sunk costs" problem:

Thanks to your experience with Dr. Alaska, you made a place here on the boards where you were able to bring calm and advice to people struggling. You've been encouraging and supportive to many, many total strangers. You've stepped in to be kind to people whose real life circles were letting them down. You brought hope to people who couldn't function without it, and encouraged them to move their visions of the future from their spouses to themselves when it was time to do that. Because of Dr. Alaska's cr@p choices, you've had the opportunity to be a force for good among a community of people who are sometimes treated as lepers, and who are often blamed for their misfortunes.

If life is meant to be lived with purpose, then perhaps yours was to be a compassionate presence to frightened and isolated people, to demonstrate what grace and strength combined look like, and to inspire those qualities in others.

Of course it would be pleasanter to have been able to be those things without having to eat the sh!t sandwich Dr. Alaska made up for you, but it's a lot harder to be genuinely compassionate, and to have authority in the 2x4s, when you haven't eaten one yourself.

So thank you for sharing your experiences with us so generously and try to see the bigger picture surrounding your life when you're tempted to beat yourself up a little bit.

Is the rain getting to you today?

[OwnIt]

Yes 25, as one of those you have saved I am sorry that you are here, but your guidance has been invaluable to me. I think I would still be wallowing and waiting for that garbage to turn back up on my front steps. As is I'm embracing my independence and turning all of my attention where it should have been a long time ago.

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, what timing.

I came online a minute ago b/c as I was walking my dog outsides, I found my heart racing and I was almost shaking due to the rage at my h for stealing so much money and MY future, and the fears I feel at the moment.

I wanted to journal and ask you/myself what to do to dissipate this?

It feels SO terrible, and the thoughts are so intrusive, (how does one do their job??)

I can see that for ME, sadness is easier than this type of fury and terror. I have not slept well the past few days as well. (I need to make an appointment for a sleep aid I think) and I know that sleep is even more important to me b/c of the seizures (poor sleep is associated with many first seizures, like college students pulling all nighters). And yet...


So I came on here to whine/spew and wallow.

And I got your messages and they really touched me.

((( )))


PS I am going to my DivorceCare group tonight. I think the group is international and I highly recommend them. I'm certain they are at least all over the US.

Tonight is a good night for it. And yes Maybell, I do react poorly to dreary weather if it lasts very long. (You can imagine how much I loved Alaska's winters. But when there are kids needing you, you can throw yourself into that and helping them with their lives)

I think it's worse here now b/c the lack of structure in my life right now - is part of why I'm floundering.

Which I need to stop.

Again, blessings - and thanks.

[OwnIt]

I know this overly simplistic and something you know, but at my counseling session I started by talking about how anxious I felt and then spent the hour describing my anxiety, I had only a minute to ask my IC, who specializes in anxiety, how to deal with it.

She said all you can do is focus on the things you can control. Simple. Stupid. But I finally got it. Oh, instead of sitting at my desk getting nothing done and thinking and spinning and raging about all those things I can't control, I just have to let go of them. Is it really that simple?

I think it is. Do I control my H, nope. I don't control whether he files for divorce or signs the separation contract. Nothing has changed for my lawyer to want me to file. He is still paying. He is leaving me alone. He signs papers when I send them to him to sign.

I have been scheduling activities with S. Checking in with D. Doing actual work. Fixing the netflix on the TV in my office. Filling out papers for school. Dealing with work papers. Oy vey, I can do this. I can focus on the minutiae of my life that I can control to make myself feel better.

So 25, I challenge you, what can you control, today, right now that will make you feel better?

[25yearsmlc]

I know this overly simplistic and something you know, but at my counseling session I started by talking about how anxious I felt and then spent the hour describing my anxiety, I had only a minute to ask my IC, who specializes in anxiety, how to deal with it.

She said all you can do is focus on the things you can control. Simple. Stupid. But I finally got it. Oh, instead of sitting at my desk getting nothing done and thinking and spinning and raging about all those things I can't control, I just have to let go of them. Is it really that simple?

I think it is. Do I control my H, nope. I don't control whether he files for divorce or signs the separation contract. Nothing has changed for my lawyer to want me to file. He is still paying. He is leaving me alone. He signs papers when I send them to him to sign.

I have been scheduling activities with S. Checking in with D. Doing actual work. Fixing the netflix on the TV in my office. Filling out papers for school. Dealing with work papers. Oy vey, I can do this. I can focus on the minutiae of my life that I can control to make myself feel better.

So 25, I challenge you, what can you control, today, right now that will make you feel better?

the fears are mostly about money he's hiding (and wasted) and that I'm not DOING enough to track it down b/c of funding issues. I hate the nightmares of scary things and waking up with feelings of dread. WTF??


The anger is self explanatory. (I mean, is there someone who doesn't know why??)

Right now I can get ready for the meeting tonight and go to it. And later on, meditate again and again.

Thanks