So... today marks the first week that I haven't sent STBXW a check, as what we agreed on for "rehabilitative alimony" is exhausted. I was sending extra money for D on the weekends, but my L said I could stop that, too. I'm of two minds on that. I want D to be able to do fun things, but I also think that STBXW will just convert that to paying her bills.
STBXW asked me for money on Sunday "to pay for her medicine." Any prescriptions would be paid for with the debit card from my insurance. Felt manipulated.
I have a work trip to Germany planned for 2 1/2 weeks from now. STBXW is going to care for D and bring her to school while I'm out of the country. She actually said she had to talk to her L before she'd agree to do it "because it's a lot of time and money and I want to be sure it's ok." That's where this is. Keeping our daughter for three and a half school days merits a call to an attorney.
It's 29 miles door to door from STBXW's house to school, and she said I'd need to pay for an oil change because of how much driving she'll have to do (406 miles worth) and that it was going to be like half a tank of gas a day. The car apparently hasn't had the oil changed in either 9000 or 11000 miles. The car gets 30-40 miles a gallon depending on how it's driven. I just offered to give her $150 which should cover food, gas, some fun time out, whatever.
STBXW will also have her this weekend for the holiday (it's hers under the parenting plan) and an extra day since school is closed. I ended the above conversation by telling STBXW that if D lacked for anything this week to let me know. I got back that I needed to send money, because she wasn't going to get a check, and that STBXW had all these plans for her this weekenf, and she needed 15-20 a day for her. I replied that I wasn't going to send money, that it was up to her to do that now, and that if D needed something, we could talk and figure out what makes the most sense for her. Response was "wow, ok, whatever."
I'm a conflicted, here. L says this is ok, but STBXW still isn't working and I don't feel entirely right about it. At the same time, I also feel like I'm standing up for myself. I'm pretty sure the reason she isn't working is lack of effort on her part. It's not my job to take care of her. She should be giving ME support based on how our time with D works out. I also think about the gas/oil/"medicine" thing and feel like this is just BS manipulation for money.
I have a work trip to Germany planned for 2 1/2 weeks from now.
I just offered to give her $150 which should cover food, gas, some fun time out, whatever.
I remember when I was going through all of the support calculations and whatnot that the difference in one overnight a month was really quite significant on the spectrum of support payments. Im not saying $150 is too low; Im more saying that pulling out an arbitrary number as a kind of 'final offer' seems odd. Shes doing you a pretty significant favor that takes say 5 or 6 hours of driving time plus canceling any plans she may have had over those few days. To come in here dismissive of that feels rude. Rather than over here the money, was there any talk of exchanging days? Is there something besides a 'stipend' that you can do to show your appreciation of her flexibility?
Originally Posted By: EastTN
I ended the above conversation by telling STBXW that if D lacked for anything this week to let me know.
I replied that I wasn't going to send money, that it was up to her to do that now, and that if D needed something, we could talk and figure out what makes the most sense for her. Response was "wow, ok, whatever."
Is there a way that you can provide for D without needing W to 'let you know' things? I imagine it would make her feel like youre hovering over her and her ability to be a parent. Dont put yourself in a position to be a savior and then come here complaining about how W is asking you for things! You said she could ask you and when she did, you wanted to have a detailed discussion. Of course that would be frustrating for her.
Dont get me wrong. Im not condoning her behavior in ANY of this. Ive just noticed a new tone in your voice that reeks of maybe judgment? maybe anger? Im not sure. To me, it feels like you are being argumentative for the sake of not agreeing with her. What happened to being empathetic and being validating and being collaborative? Just my 2 cents as an impartial observer.
It's 29 miles door to door from STBXW's house to school, and she said I'd need to pay for an oil change because of how much driving she'll have to do (406 miles worth) and that it was going to be like half a tank of gas a day. The car apparently hasn't had the oil changed in either 9000 or 11000 miles. The car gets 30-40 miles a gallon depending on how it's driven. I just offered to give her $150 which should cover food, gas, some fun time out, whatever.
OK well it does sound like she's being really petty, especially regarding the oil change, really? But she is doing you a favor, and you would spend a lot more than that if you had to find a sitter to watch D for that long so this is probably one of those times that it's best to grin and bear it. Because this probably won't be the last time you need a favor.
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I ended the above conversation by telling STBXW that if D lacked for anything this week to let me know. I got back that I needed to send money, because she wasn't going to get a check, and that STBXW had all these plans for her this weekenf, and she needed 15-20 a day for her. I replied that I wasn't going to send money, that it was up to her to do that now, and that if D needed something, we could talk and figure out what makes the most sense for her. Response was "wow, ok, whatever."
So you started by telling her that if D lacked for anything to let you know, I assume you meant you would send money to help? But then when she asked for money you refused? I can kind of see why she responded the way she did. I mean I do get where you are coming from, but after all you did offer.
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I'm a conflicted, here. L says this is ok, but STBXW still isn't working and I don't feel entirely right about it.
If it's not an issue of affordability, and you can give it without expectations, and it'll make you sleep better at night, then go for it. Do what you think is right, what fits with your personal integrity.
Thanks for the responses. I admit I am a bit angry, but mostly because I feel like she's trying to manipulate me sometimes. I agree she's doing me a favor keeping D. I'm pretty sure the number I offered was MORE than she wanted (she asked for a walmart gift card for the oil change plus gas money). I probably was overly analytical about it. I wasn't pinching pennies, though, it's just that some of the crap she says is just so much BS.
When it comes to providing for D, I don't want to give STBXW money. If I did, I'd just send the darn check. The problem is that I don't think it'll go to D. I was thinking more like groceries, nighttime pullups (D is a bed wetter) and such. I feel like that while it's my job to care for D, it's not my job to care for STBXW anymore.
Sigh. The analysis I'm getting from you two makes me feel like I screwed up again. I also feel like I'm backed into a corner. STBXW has no respect for me (WW and NG). I don't want to spend the next 12 years dealing with someone who thinks that if they yell, they can get whatever they want out of me. Reversing course on this would just make things worse.
By the way, hi Kaizen. You'll laugh, but I've missed hearing from you. Everytime I see you post in a thread, I always feel like whoever you are talking to is in good hands.
STBXW was supposed to take D to get her hair cut last weekend. I was going to pay for it, dropping off money with MIL on Sunday. She didn't take her, claiming lack of funds (apparently, they went out to a nice dinner, instead). So I took her last night. I sent a text asking about specifics (how much to take off, etc) and got back sad story about how she was supposed to take her, etc.
Then she asked where I was taking her and she started screaming that they were going to ruin her hair and threatening to call her lawyer (seriously). She called the hair place and told them if they cut our daughter's hair, she would call the police on them (seriously).
By the way, hi Kaizen. You'll laugh, but I've missed hearing from you. Everytime I see you post in a thread, I always feel like whoever you are talking to is in good hands.
Aw, shucks. Thanks for the kind words. Im finding it harder and harder to 'gear up' to read new tales as my own divorce is getting farther and farther in the rear view. Also, life is just getting busier and busier!
Originally Posted By: EastTN
STBXW was supposed to take D to get her hair cut last weekend. I was going to pay for it
I sense a lot of discussion back and forth with W about money and who is paying for what always comes out unclear. What are the agreed upon 'rules' about who will pay for what? In some ways, I agree with Vapo - you cant be having discussions for the next 12 years regarding who is going to be paying for things like haircuts.I thought that you two had some kind of agreement already?
Originally Posted By: EastTN
I sent a text asking about specifics (how much to take off, etc)
And kind of the same thing here - like...why do you need to be discussing things like this? Your daughter is old enough to be able to discuss with you what she wants. Why are you running things like this through W? If she doesnt care enough to take her, then she can live with the results.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
threatening to call her lawyer (seriously).
....and? The lawyer will just laugh at her, probably!
STBXW still isn't working, so I'm paying for just about anything that D needs right now. Conversations go like "Hey, D's hair is getting thick and she needs a haircut." "Ok, do you want to take her this weekend, or should I just do it during the week?" "I'll take her, but I'm broke." "Fine, I'll give money to mom." ...and that's about it. There is, thankfully, NOT a lot of conversation between the two of us. It's normally quite peaceful these days. I haven't even seen STBXW in a month, and only saw her twice in the month before that.
I guess the problem is that I'm still trying to co-parent. It's not really working (rereading this thread makes that pretty damn clear). I think the haircut thing drove that point home for good.
By the way, I agree completely with Vapo. I ignored STBXW's screaming and D got her haircut that day. She looks great, she's happy, and at bath time last night it took less than half as long to blow it out and brush (thank god).
Good idea! Anything you can do to avoid giving W cash is probably best given your concerns.
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Then she asked where I was taking her and she started screaming that they were going to ruin her hair and threatening to call her lawyer (seriously). She called the hair place and told them if they cut our daughter's hair, she would call the police on them (seriously).
Oh I see, she's batsh** crazy, LOL! Wow that is just nutty stuff. The girl is 6, what damage could they possibly do that wouldn't grow back soon enough.
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I ignored STBXW's screaming and D got her haircut that day. She looks great, she's happy, and at bath time last night it took less than half as long to blow it out and brush (thank god).
