I totally understand where you're coming from. I seriously get it trying to figure out going dark and not sending the message that it is the same as before. Let me try and give you my perspective on it. Please remember that I am very early in my sitch and so take what I say with a grain of salt. Also, you probably won't find an answer to how your S will interpret this until you do it.
No contact - yes, don't initiate things including texts, emails, calls etc. Only respond to texts that are 'business' - like kids stuff, finances, house stuff, etc etc. Stuff that needs to be dealt with to keep things moving. If messages are outside of that, just don't respond as a starting point and see what happens. In my sitch, the longest it took for W to send me a message was 3 days - and that is really fast, but don't expect that type of response. Follow Sandi's rules in terms of no dates, no pressure, no nothing from you. If you want to respond to a text, don't do it right away - take your time. But, don't avoid or ignore her - that is not what NC or going dark is about. It is about becoming suddenly unavailable to her whenever she wants you. It's about limiting access.
Go read Benni's sitch from the top and see what he posted on my thread just today - good guiding principles.
Going dark - I don't want to rehash the thread because it has everything you need to know. Going dark for me was a mix of NC and limiting information to her about what I was doing. She found out about a couple of my GAL activities through mutual friends and had an emotional breakdown - basically saying that I was doing what I had done in the MR - keeping her at bay. As this was a huge misunderstanding, I decided to explain to her that that was not the case and I was just honouring her wishes for the separation and that she needs time and space away from me.
So, then I recalibrated my strategy. She gets to know bits and pieces of what I am doing - only if she asks though as I don't volunteer information. I just restarted NC because of some DBing malfunctions on my part last week and basically starting at square one.
From my limited experience, the only way I knew that going dark was 'more of the same' for her is because she reacted badly to it and told me to my face. That might not always happen.
But, from what I have learned, instead of trying to figure out the exact approach, just take the guidance from Sandi's rules and apply it. You will find out in time if it worked or didn't. If it didn't, then tweak it. But, you won't know until you try it out and everyone's sitch is different. Timelines will be different. So, that is why patience is key because you don't know where your S head is at right now.
So, this is my approach as of now with what I have learned from my W's reactions:
1. Don't initiate communications. 2. Respond to W based on the nature of the message. 3. Share with her bits of my life as the circumstances dictate. 4. Continue working on myself, GAL, and detachment. 5. Don't start MR talks.
If this goes to plan as last time, she will initiate and invite me to spend time with her. I will accept some invitations but turn down some. For every few invitations she sends me, I reciprocate and invite her to something I am going to do anyways. If she joins, that's great, if not I am doing it any way. I have already done this previously so she knows that I am not sitting around waiting for her.
You can overcome your passiveness by improving yourself - doesn't have to necessarily be with her. Improve your communications, GAL, get more self-confident. Whenever you interact with her, show her that side of yourself.
I hope this made sense. Sometimes I get terms here confused, but if you can get down with the general philosophy and start seeing the nuances in it based on your sitch, it will become much clearer. Hope this helped, but my sitch isn't yours so take it for the sake of perspective rather than trying to replicate what I am doing.
