I think you think there is some magic recipe. Every situation is different. Every person is different. One size does not fit all. Some were probably going to come back no matter what the spouse did, some were probably never coming back and some situations can probably go one way or another.
The way you talk about your W makes me wonder why you would ever want her back. There are lots of excuses. Go down to the county courthouse and ask for a pro se divorce packet. They doubtless have one. Read up about divorce in your state. Once you feel like you know everything, book an hour or two of attorney time to confirm that you have thought through the issues.
You don't have to stay trapped in anything and it is obviously not a healthy situation for any of you, particularly your son.
We have all been disrespected. I have been married 25 years. I supported my H for 23 years of it financially. I put him through medical school. The year he finally made more money than me he dropped the bomb. Now he is pretty much a vanisher who could care less about his kids. We all have stuff to work through and get over. You are just choosing to stay trapped in a very dark place.
Let go of every single thing you have no control over. Focus on the things you do. If she won't participate in making financial decisions, make them yourself. If she won't file and you want a divorce, then you go file. You are only a chump if you act like one.
