D-Day in 6 weeks - losing hope

[onexone]

I've been in the background watching for a few months, but too closed off in my shell to post or reach out for help. I've done everything wrong so far, I seriously should be a case study for what not to do. My divorce is in 6 weeks, and where I would absolutely love to have my wife come home - I am now bracing for what appears to be inevitable.

My story is so long and drama filled I wouldnt even know where to start. We were married in 3/2015, but she left me for another man in 2013 for about 3 months. She lied quite a bit, and was having an affair with him for about 6 months before leaving - and we werent engaged yet. She eventually came back, but it never really was the same again. I ended up getting dependent on pain medication in mid 2014, we married in March 2015. She starts an EA in June 2016, turns to PA in July 2016 and I discover the Affair in September 2016. She promises to leave the OM, we start working on our marriage - but in Jan 2017 I catch her sleeping at the OM's house again. She immediately moves out and into an apartment that i later find out the OM owns but doesnt reside in. She files for D in 2/2017 but doesnt serve me. We go to first court date in April, and judge scolds her for not serving me properly (she threw the papers in my foyer and took a picture with her phone as proof of service). That day she has me served by having her boyfriend deliver my divorce papers to my attorney. Yes, I actually got served by my WW's AP. There have been a few times where she has come back and we have been intimate but no actual sex. She gets very angry with me when she hears that I might have seen another woman, or really anything that would make it look like I am getting a life. So I have pretty much done nothing. I find out she went to Spain with this guy, and this guy updated his FB profile with pics of my wife and him. I immediately fall into a deep and dark depression, and my pain medication use spirals out of control.

3 weeks ago, I gave up the pain meds - and am trying to get past this. But it's difficult with all of her lies and deceptive actions. Oh the stories I could share. I think I am dealing with a narcissistic personality, at the bare minimum a personality disorder. She has no empathy, and seems to care only about herself.

Anyways. I just want to know what do I do.