He said he'd be home when I got home after work, at 5:30.
Then we IM'd on the computer and he said he would be home at 7:30 or 8:00.
I told him I'd been hoping to have dinner with him.
I told him I had to be asleep no later than 9:00. He said he'd do his best.
He came home at 10:00.
Thanks to Kitti Kat, I'd started my 15 minutes of jogging in my pool. So, at 7:00 I was in the pool working out my frustration/hurt feelings. I came up with a plan.
When husband had settled back in and was ready, I'd talk to him.
Tell him in a matter of fact way how I felt when he says one thing and does something else.
I did my best to stay upbeat and positive when he did get home.
He asked me what was wrong, so I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something but now was not the time as he had just gotten home.
So, he pushed a little and asked if I was upset that he was so late.
I said, "yes, but let's wait to talk about it. You just got home."
And I hugged him.
We chatted for half an hour, enjoying each others company and snuggling in bed.
He then asked if I was ready to talk.
I said I was.
I explained to him that I was upset about him being late because it was a case of not being able to trust what he says. That he'll say something and then not follow through on it.
I explained that when he does this, I hear, "My time is more important than your time. I don't respect you enough to do what I tell you I will do. You can sit around and wait on my convenience."
I reiterated that I know that he's not trying to say that stuff, but that is what I hear...and what I suspect most people hear.
He explained the circumstances surrounding this one incident.
I explained that this is not the only time it's happened. And that I know that things come up.
And that it wasn't my intention to overwhelm him or make him feel bad. But that this was something that bothered me and that I wanted to address.
I explained that I understood that it was a major difference between his family and mine. His words: "His family is ALWAYS late to everything." My mom keeps a calendar.
I told him that I know that keeping the calendar frustrates him.
He said, "Yes, the calendar is god...we all must abide by the calendar. What your mom doesn't understand is that life happens!"
I said, "Honey, that's easy for you to say because you are the one being late, holding everyone else up. We keep calendars because that's the only way to coordinate our busy lives. Especially with lots of other people involved."
He said, "I guess the best thing then is for me to not give a time, EVER!."
I sighed and said, "If that's what you feel you need to do. I wasn't trying to upset you or blame you. Just wanted to address something that has been bothering me."
He said he could tell that I was really really upset.
I said, "Look, we are having a calm conversation. No one is yelling. I'm not hysterical, and I'm not crying."
He said, "I can tell by the way that you are gesturing with your hands."
ARGH!
I said, "Look, I think I've tried to talk to you about this in the past...and each and every time, I handled it badly. This time, tonight, I'm trying to handle it right."
At that point, he asked me if I had done something cosmetic. I was so surprised and pleased that he'd noticed. I told him so.
Then he told me that he heard what I was saying and would do his best to estimate his time better.
I thanked him for listening to me and hearing me. That it meant a lot to me.
I then told him that I had bought him food, sandwich stuff and milk for the next day, while I was at work.
He looked me in the eye and said, "I'm a terrible husband."
I said, "YOU ARE NOT! DO NOT SAY THAT!" Wasn't yelling, but very firm.
He said, "You got me food. You respect me more than I respect you."
I gave him that look that says, "Yes, that's true...and it bothers me."
He then went downstairs and ate the dinner I had cooked for him.
So...I know I didn't get all the details in.
It was an intense conversation. He did get defensive at one point, but I think I handled that part correctly.
I think I did blame him too much or overload him too much..but in my own defense, he kept saying "So, what? What's the big deal?" And in response to that is why I told him about past incidents.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I think I could handle it better in the future..but that I got what I wanted from this conversation. He really heard me this time.
He saw my point of view and was able to see why it was an issue.
And he apologized, was loving, and said he'd work on it.
I was so surprised and pleased that he'd noticed. I told him so.
