If life gives you lemon....do lemonade

[Lana_71]

Hello
It has been arround a month since my last post . Unfortunately I lost my grandma this month. She was an symbol of how anyone should live. Whenever she felt we are distressed her motto would be throw it behind your back and keep moving. Don't look back and decide what is better for you and your kids... I love her influence on me and my kids life. She was an elegant lady who took care of herself and you would never found her untidy. Till her last days she took care of her looks, hair was always dyed. Clothes were always elegant and cheerful . Had a beautiful scarf that gave her grace. Basically a very well rounded woman whose life was full of life lessons for all her kids, grand kids and great grand kids.

I have not heard anything from H since I came back but when she passed away I didnot know whether to let him know or not.in a way I know he will not be if any support but if I don't say I give him an excuse to say he didnot know. On the other hand I know I would do what is right and I give him the choice to do the right thing or not. Hence sent him a msg saying that she passed. . He usually replies on msg but never initiate any. So he did this time saying he is sorry and sending his condolence and would try to call. And had some struggles. So I asked what struggles and what does he mean by try. His response was he feels like a door salesman as he is on the move from one place to the other , he is having health struggles with his back nothing can't be managed according to him . I left it at that gave him my mom number if he would like to send his condolences directly. Of course he didnot.

A week later I felt a bit emotional and sent another msg saying it seems he had his own life Let's talk to decide how to move things forward. Of course no answer . In the meantime my eldest sent him a msg of whether they will see him this year since they last seen hima year ago and during the year they spoke to him maybe arround 4 times in total. He replied that he is traveling now but once he gets back will have to apply for a visa and come over. "Same thing he is been telling me since last year but never applied nor came".

Ownit you ask me how can I be so patient with him. Honestly speaking I think I have no option. I can ask for divorce now but what is my gain, nothing will change in my life. It will not make him a better father. He will not ask more about his kids.

The only thing I can do is I can date but then again I am not thinking about that now... I am living my life the way I want going out and having fun. and if I end up liking someone I can always request D .

I focus now on my self first and the kids second. I believe as long as I am satisfied and happy kids reads those vibes and this gives them the feeling of security. I don't believe that a place, a school or any external thing can bring us happiness . Enhanced surrounding can help but they are not the solution . That is why I am not fixated on these things.

I live week by week . Little planning but completely not as before . Not a fixer nor as planner but always try to do what I think is right for me . Now how others decide to respond it is up to them.

Life is too short and I guess we all have our choices and I choose to be happy and enjoy my life with my family and kids. And honestly don't need anyone who does not want to be arround us for whatever reasons.
Death is an amazing lesson of how trivial life is and how we only have now to live, laugh and be happy.
I don't intend to make this a depressing thought but I felt I have completely detached from h and dont have any expectations again. He might ask about his kids he might not . He might want to see them one day he might not that is his loss. Maybe we are spared from seeing something that will even hurt us more.