What to Do?

[sandi2]

Do you know of a better way?







Here is a shorter version that explains detaching:


Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

[chris19]

Sandi,

Thank you I will have been trying my best to put these ideas into practice. Unfortunately I am having a down day; and really want to text her to see if she wants to meet up for some food.

It has been since Last Wednesday since I told her I did not want the D, and was just thinking everything though. She responded with a "OK I understand". We have not had contact since then. It is hurting right now to stay dark.

Any helpful words of wisdom for me right now?

[TBSakaJ9]

Chris I am sure Sandi or 1 of the other vets will weigh in shortly so just stay patient and stay dark. I am afraid if you reach out to her with no reason she will see through it. Make her miss you and work on yourself.

Trust me it gets easier with time, it is a process. Is this the first time you have went this long without having a conversation with her?

[LH19]

Chris,

She moved out so you have to give her the time and space to miss you. That's the only way this is going to turn around.

Right now she knows she can get you back anytime she wants so right now you are plan B.

You contact her and ask her to dinner that only reinforces that you are plan B.

Your goal right now is to become her plan A. The best way to become plan A is to start leading an awesome life that she will want to be a part of in the future.

[Thornton]

Chris,

Joseph and LH are right, remain NC.

I know how hard NC is, it's extremely painful to surrender to.

I've done NC for months at a time, and each time W came poking back around just like she is doing now.

You have to make her feel like she is losing you. You can't make her feel this if you are inviting her out and reaching out to her. And you can't trick her either, you have to actually begin taking steps to move on without her. Ironically, this is what will possibly bring her back.

There are no shortcuts - I've tried and tried to find a quick fix but there is none. It doesn't exist.

Once you start to accept ^ that, you will start to feel more detached but it takes a while and I won't lie, it hurts like hell.

Trust me, she knows how you feel. And if she is a WAW, every time you tell her you miss her or don't want a D, she will actually feel repulsed by you and it sets you back even further from your goal.

Hang in there, it gets easier but definately takes time.

[chris19]

Thank you both...I knew the truth would be hard to hear; but I do understand.

Joseph9 - when we separated for the month of July; we has zero contact for about 2 weeks (but we were living 4 states away from each other - and this was before the bomb drop) - I guess this is why it is hurting so much more.

LH19 - You are right; I know. I had a moment of weakness; and relapse. I find myself looking on social media to see if she is liking my stuff; or viewing my stuff...I need to stop that as well - pure distance.

[chris19]

Thank you Thorn; seems like you have been through this a couple times looking at your timeline. I will take your advice and remain NC to help detach.

[Thornton]

No problem, Chris.

I have one more pointer for you... Avoid Facebook like the plague. If you snoop on Facebook, it will become an obsession and it will hurt you. It almost destroyed me.

Once I quit snooping, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I still haven't checked W's Facebook since she decided to leave in April. And I will not check it.

Do yourself a favor and stay off Facebook for the time being.

[25yearsmlc]

I have not once checked H's Facebook (or the OWs). God knows I have heard enough of it to last a lifetime.

To me, it sounds like H is either incredibly oblivious (impression management to validate his choice to blow up our family without a thought about how it would feel to me or our kids or how it would look to our mutual friends who didn't even know we were separated)

or deliberately cruel to me and our marriage/family.

I'm not interested in either of these^^^scenarios being in my life. And I'm not renting out anymore space to h in my head/heart.

[chris19]

Thank you for the pointers on social media. I understand it really; no body said it was going to be easy. It is crazy to think about even though she is the WAS...I am the desperate one. She is the one that got involved in a EA(possibly PA)...why I am the one who feels so bad. Probably because I have taken the back seat for so long; and let her walk over me. I am more angry with myself for failing as a husband and losing my sense of boundaries and self-promotion.

I wish I knew all of this stuff that I do now having read the DR and DB books along with all the threads on this site. I just hope its not too late. I really do want us to work out. But it is time for me to detach; go dark, and GAL.