It's sad what your stbxh has done to his relationship with the kids. I agree with not piling on but allowing them to have their feelings. You're lucky that your kids see it now; mine all came to their awareness gradually over time.
that ^^^would have felt really bad. He11, I feel bad for them anyhow, but if I were the target of their anger it would wound me deeply. It's not as if we are all singing songs (they are very different politically), but there is a core bond.
As for your daughter - narcissists only value their children if they're making them look good. Kids who look less than perfect - mental health issues, gender or sexual orientation issues, obesity, lack of success - are not valued. I have thought about this^^^. Shame on him (oh wait, that's not possible as he is literally shameless). My kids are smart, hilarious, kind people and the older two graduated from college w/honors, as will d20. They are popular with their friends and warm in person. They are loved and loving.
But I think the sexual orientation embarrasses h. (Scoffing noises from me now...)
One of my kids recently told me he feels replaced by friends kids ( beautiful, successful) that his father is paying more attention to than his own kids. And they fall for his narcissist charm, think he's "so cool", without knowing all the ways he has abandoned his own kids.
Oh yeah - I see this^^. I pretty much assume H has a replacement family & basks in the glory of his greatness.
AND OR he simply doesn't value our kids/marriage/family the same as I do. Obviously and missing us or our history or just time with the kids is NOT Likely to be a big deal to him, or at least not anything I'll hear about.
If we were priorities to him, he would not have been gone for 3/4 of the last decade.
I hid from this^^ reality for too long. I'm not as torn up about it though. I'm more thinking "what an idiot, his loss"...and shrugging. Today I'm in a good place.
The fact that your kids are pulling together to support D20 is great.
Yes it really is. Thanks.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Quite the updates, wow! I am saddened to hear about your D and her struggles. It does sounds as if she has some amazing support in her corner--mom and sibs--and that is wonderful. I am starting to pity your H and what he is missing out on with this awesome family. Truly, what a fool he is. I am so glad the tuition stuff is sorting out too! And reading the stories of your mom and how you have honored her life really touched me--thank you for sharing that. I can almost picture her wagging her finger in the air. LOL!
You briefly slid in there something about an attractive man ... hmmm ... So this is unrelated but my mom lost my step-father very unexpectedly when he was 61. She fell into a deep depression. In her bereavement support group she met a man that had also lost his long term wife. They shared the same grief, became friends, and then had this uunexpected beautiful and loving M. I think my mom was happier at that time than ever before in her life because this H and this M was better for her. If she had not lost my step-dad, she would have never met him or known that type of love.
I know death is not the same as D, but in some ways the loss can feel as hard. I do believe not so much that everything happens for a reason, but that with each door that closes, we are given the opportunity to open another door. You have so much to offer, and I know that there are many, many new doors in your future without H blocking the handle.
Thank you for inspiring us all! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Quite the updates, wow! I am saddened to hear about your D and her struggles. It does sounds as if she has some amazing support in her corner--mom and sibs--and that is wonderful. Yes, Yes that's true! In the grand scheme big picture, my kids and I are close. Not everyone is close to their kids OR their siblings. I've got a ton of them. I see & hear that "not very close" comment from friends and other families more & more every day.
H loved many in my family. So maybe We all have to check our insecurities about this issue and get real.
Meaning, Of course OM/OWs have families too, and our spouses try to blend in and at least act as if they are enveloped in readily.
After all, they've replaced their former "miserable" spouses for the new shiny ones...And H is a "DOCTOR" and that has appeal to OW, I'm sure. But h has his own bag of problems, most of which he won't address, maybe ever. I can say with certainty that I eased his social interactions a great deal. We were a good team.
The crux of this^^ is that it does not matter how or IF our spouses evolve or stay stuck, if the reality is that with US they eventually became unkind or dishonest.
^^That's reality.
And I'm really getting better at not caring so much. Recent discoveries in the divorce bring up fresh wounds but even those are less intense. Objectively speaking, Anyone - and I mean ANYONE who disconnects from their own children, (and it's for the second time, actually) especially when you've already shoved more upheaval their way,
is either living in a dark place...or is too emotionally disconnected from reality to be who WE need. Neither of those options are something I want to deal with anymore. So, back to ME and Blu's post...
I am starting to pity your H and what he is missing out on with this awesome family. Truly, what a fool he is. Blu, I believe this^^^. I was a good wife to him, no matter what he claims or believes or tells others. He cannot do better. And I mean it. But I cannot say that he will ever realize this or believe it, OR do anything about it. In fact I'm fairly sure he never will.
But it helps ME to know this and it's not all ego, (but some of it is).
I think his biggest complaint was me not working for the past several years. Never mind the years I worked full time and with his unrelenting schedule. Plus he earned plenty of money. He always came from a position of "lacking" rather than gratitude.
I remember when we both worked full time with little kids, and had to travel for work, it was so stressful to ME b/c h didn't ever bother to take time off. The kids were somehow dragged around and were delighted when I returned-- and sometimes that's not a good thing if you know what I mean.
He'd just hope he didn't get called into work but if he did, he'd bring our kids to the hospital and have them in a lounge near the operating room and act as if it was some type of adventure. I'm fairly sure he delegated babysitting to the nurses on duty. I'm sure they loved that.
This^^ now seems so outrageous to me...but geez, I drank the Koolaid, didn't I? WTF?
I am so glad the tuition stuff is sorting out too! Blu, I almost cannot take in the enormity of this^^^ miracle. It's AMAZING! And d20 will not owe a ton of money when she graduates. This is HUGE....I wonder if h knows yet. Hmm, who would tell him? I think the reason we felt victorious and related it to the divorce is b/c h cut her off with that weird rambling letter. The OW as a motivation to spend less on his original family annoys me but who knows?
Facts are that H's behavior is selfish, and has been vindictive. Hmm, now that I write that out, it's obvious why the kids and I felt a sense of victory vis a vis h.
And reading the stories of your mom and how you have honored her life really touched me--thank you for sharing that. I can almost picture her wagging her finger in the air. LOL! Thank you - She was a riot. Funniest person I know, who could not tell a joke without blowing the punch line. I miss her very much. We all do. She was very artsy, musically and with paint and sculpture. Jackson Pollack had nothing on her. She was vivacious and left us a legacy of dramatic hilarity and joi de vivre. You briefly slid in there something about an attractive man ... hmmm ... Yes I did.
The good news is that he's in my age group and was very attractive and his name is Sergio, (which is enough of a reason to date him)...he's the first man I've met in a long time, who is over 50 who takes good care of himself, AND is fundamentally happy and who was committed to his family and marriage. His wife was a WAW and because of this site, I am open to the fact that a lot of men are in impossible situations like we were/are, and are well worth knowing.
I hope the DB guys are not offended, it's just that I want to be attracted to a man and it's hard if they're not taking care of themselves, and or if they seem too cynical to be around.
Some seem interested in a 'Nurse or a purse" and I'm sure there are women in the same boat. It's disconcerting.
The bad news is that I think he is interested in a younger woman, which is probably the disadvantage I'll face for some time. Ugh... we had a great talk and laughed a lot so he'll be at least a friend. But if I date older guys that means retired guys, I think.
There is also an old boyfriend around here, who is single. We are comfortable with each other. His name is "G-". I enjoy his company but I doubt we would succeed as a couple.
he says a lot of things like "Well, at Our Age..." (and frankly, there is no good ending to that sentence..."at our age, what? At our age, the sex is better than ever"???)
G- sees being in his mid 50's as really pushing the envelope. I don't. My mom was very active and in good shape and she looked great, till the day she died. G-'s parents both died when he was 24. So MY timeline is that this is the second half of my life, not the cliff... Know what I mean?
So this is unrelated but my mom lost my step-father very unexpectedly when he was 61. She fell into a deep depression. In her bereavement support group she met a man that had also lost his long term wife. They shared the same grief, became friends, and then had this uunexpected beautiful and loving M. I think my mom was happier at that time than ever before in her life because this H and this M was better for her. If she had not lost my step-dad, she would have never met him or known that type of love.
I know death is not the same as D, but in some ways the loss can feel as hard. Oh I think it's very much like a death (except no one drops by with free food). And there's no ritual to mark it. And there's a sense of being rejected rather than widowed.
Now that I see a lot of events and behaviors of h with a different lens, I can also see having a better marriage with an OM.
I'm not thinking about a reconciliation with H the way I had before. It's not just that it's unlikely that he'd make the effort. It's also that H has created so much wreckage and shocked me so much with his terrible choices, I will never see him in the same light. Nor will our children. Of that, I'm sure.
Even though he's absolutely losing a lot, if we and or our children were truly priorities for h, he would not be ignoring them or cutting d20 off of college or treating me so badly.
So maybe it's not a big loss for him, you know? And if that is true, then he's clearly not someone to grow old with. It's always painful to realize that he's just not a man with the same priorities I assumed he had, or once did.
The saddest times for me are when I view my 35 years with him as wasted time. And Harming my career for HIM??
I'm working on processing ^^that.
I do believe not so much that everything happens for a reason, but that with each door that closes, we are given the opportunity to open another door. I hope you're right. Maybe we have to open those doors and not necessarily know which door to choose but to choose anyhow. I see the difference between saying "everything happens for a reason" and the opening doors, so I'm not complaining about it. My mom died b/c something in her stopped working (no autopsy was done, so that's always going to be an unanswered question). My friend has cancer and was never a smoker, but something malfunctioned in her body and her life expectancy is greatly reduced. My friend L lost her son last fall due to an idiopathic cardiac problem at age 22...no drugs and no trauma, just an unknown heart problem in an athletic young man.
My marriage ended for reasons I cannot explain yet, but which I mostly attribute to flaws in h, and i'm not sure that's fair or accurate yet.
And even if that's true, even if it's mostly on him, where does that leave me? How can I know I won't project my own moral compass and values onto another man?
The fact is that unfair lousy things do happen to good people. And sometimes good people do bad things AND bad people sometimes do good things.
And when a bad/sad event is thrust upon us, our only choice is "to say well, that's what happened, so NOW WHAT?"
and that's ^^^ the path I am on.
I now realize that regardless of what we do or believe, our lives can be turned upside down in an instant. As Jack3beans (RIP) would say, "most of life is all about how you handle plan B".
True, the money fears and h's financial disclosures bring fresh wounds. Sometimes fears haunt me at night when I try to sleep. Sometimes that keeps me feeling stuck or afraid.
So I'm trying to focus on what I have and not what I lack. Where I'm headed and protecting my interests.
And remembering Caroline Myss statement that "endless wondering is endless suffering."
I need to implement the advice I'd give to someone else in my shoes. (Easier said than done, eh?)
You have so much to offer, and I know that there are many, many new doors in your future without H blocking the handle.
Thank you for inspiring us all! Blu
Thank YOU Blu. Your pep talk helps. Even with some sadness, I'm more at peace with my life now than I have been in awhile. That's good news.
This whole experience has been an ego blow and there are lots of negative internal messages we have to erase and replace with positives. So again, thank you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do any of you ever learn that some of your family or friends had negative feelings towards your spouse, which you never knew before?? And now, they share them with you?
It's disconcerting...maybe it's better than if they loved him deeply, but I'm not so sure.
Just makes me mad at myself for not seeing things more clearly, sooner.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have had several of those (with friends) and in case of an ex-gf my parents said they were worried she was taking advantage of me. It's certainly interesting to suddenly be confronted with that wisdom isn't it?
Yes 25. I found out later how much my father and specially my brother disliked her. I didn't know that when we visited my brother, exw wouldn't let my daughter eat some of our ethnic foods. She would say no to her and give her crackers instead. Exw was very paranoid about food. My daughter loves to eat our ethnic stuff now. In fact she asks for it. So yes. Not surprise. They try and keep it to themselves to keep the peace.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I was surprised that my mom did. She is the one who spent the most amount of time with my W. All of it came out as I have been going through this process. I think a lot of it has to do with different values and up-bringing. The funny thing is that my mom D'd my dad when I was in K and he had no warning. Now this has happened to me without any warning I think it has been hard for my mom to process.
Most of what my mom didn't like was her selfishness and that she really never made them feel comfortable when they visited. My W is not the cook a full meal and sit down at the table kind of person. That was not how she was raised so some of the more traditional stereotypes of what women are supposed to do or the family is missing. She would much rather go out for Chinese food on Thanksgiving than eat a turkey.
Do any of you ever learn that some of your family or friends had negative feelings towards your spouse, which you never knew before?? And now, they share them with you?
It's disconcerting...maybe it's better than if they loved him deeply, but I'm not so sure.
Just makes me mad at myself for not seeing things more clearly, sooner.
Yes. My mother said directly after the BD that I never seemed happy with her and I always was happy before her. She said XW always felt really cold towards them, our D and me. They noticed us drifting apart before I did. My dad said she felt we had issues because we didn't seem to cuddle anymore... I thought we were just the same. Somehow the family just sees the situation with a different perspective. It certainly is disconcerting...
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Argh. He felt* Wish the board really had an edit button...
BTW. I'd like to thank you 25 for helping me with my sitch. You really have a huge heart and you are a wonderful woman. Know that you really helped a stranger thousands of miles away from you. You seem to read people like open books and offer really good support for a lot of us. I really think your H misses a lot. Someone else is sure going to get an unbelievable woman in their life
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Wish the board really had an edit button...