A little irony I forgot to mention above... in the process of venting at xW for 4 hours straight, she says "I am so glad you are helping me with this (issues with S12), I could never do it without you, I would just screw it up."

There's the lure, looking to hook me in again, just like when we first met. But this time I watched it slide by, and realized the game for what it is.

In one of my previous threads, I was asking some questions about dating, life after divorce, etc. Some of the regulars here said many don't come back to talk about life after starting a new "R", a new life, a new love. So, I'll share that part of my life for those looking for what to look forward to.

My xW and I will never have a healthy relationship again. There's a reason for that, we never did have a healthy relationship. I have my issues to deal with, I am not perfect, don't get my wrong when I point the finger at xW.... but I will continue to say she was 95% of the problem. My new W had a previous relationship that was similar. I don't know the general term for it, it isn't narcissism or any common term people are familiar with. But it is a sickness. Am unhealthy opinion about right and wrong, a hugely negative view of the world. And an even more negative view about what they think that others think of them. "Victim mentality" seems to be about the best fit.

I could give xW a perfect compliment, and it was twisted in her head to be an insult. She'd say it back to me, in the same words, but change the order of the words. I'd have to then rethink what I said, realize what happened, and restate my previous comment, and the difference that the order of the words makes. But then when I did explain it, that it was a positive that was changed into a negative, she would get defensive, say that by me explaining it, I was saying she was stupid. Where did that come from? Which would lead to the next thing, trying to explain that I didn't think she was stupid.... a vicious circle, continuously trying to explain my every word, my every action, to someone who wanted to see NO positive from me, only negative. It never ended. It was never happy. It was never good enough. I would state to her that she twisted what I said, she'd think about it some, but then later just get herself wound up again. 21 years of that! What an emotional workout. I don't know why. I may never. I feel bad for her, that has to be a terrible way to live. And I have a hell of a time cutting that string, feeling responsible to help, feeling I abandoned her because she just can't seem to function on her own.

I'm the kind of person where it's hard to bring me down. Not bubbly, but certainly not crabby or moody. xW tried so hard, and I think she felt like she failed when she wasn't able to bring me down, accusing me of being cold and uncaring. She would ask me straight out "how can you be so happy all the time."

Now with the new W, we are both somewhat paranoid, always waiting for the other to snap, always feeling like no matter what we say it will be understood backward. LOTS of years of the insanity really wears on a person, has a permanent impact on you. We've been together over a year, M'd since May. Every day gets better, but every day we have to deal with tearing down these walls, rebuilding our ability to trust others.

Where did I go wrong? I participated! I wasn't smart enough/strong enough to see what was happening, and walk away before it was too late. But why did we stay so long in such screwed up relationships? That is the part I don't understand. My xW is exactly the type that I would identify as someone to RUN from. But I didn't.... I M'd her, stayed with her for way too long, was pulled down by her mental illness, and then blamed by her that I was the problem that she needed to escape from.

I still believe that xW and I staying together would have been what was best for the kids, as I would have been xW's babysitter to keep her from doing stupid things with/to the kids. A lot of work for me, yes... but still what is best for the kids. On the other hand, even when I do talk to her, and now see her without being "blinded by love" or whatever it was, I am so glad to be out, to now be with someone happy, excited to give her love freely, and the new W and I can now be the positive role model in my kids life.