Yeh, I can't add anything more to what Joseph said. My kids know where I work and they've been to my office. I always let them know the plan and where they will be and where I will be. They know they can message me or call me whenever they want to. Just making sure they know I am available - I am very lucky to have a flexible workplace that I can up and leave if i need to and make up my hours later.
I haven't done any family type activities on the regular right now because things with W are all over the map. But, all our interactions in front of the kids are chill and positive. Any time we needed to talk about serious stuff, we always do it after kids go to bed.
I know kids will be fine. They will adjust. The fact that they have to still $ucks because it's so emotional for them too.
But TBH, they will never be what they 'could' be, had W decided to work it out, and they grew up in a loving 2 parent household.
JMSTL,
What if your wife said "you know what you are right, this isn't fair to the children. I am not happy, but I am going to stay in this marriage for the next 20 years until are youngest is an adult". Would you be ok with that? Could you live like that for the next 20 years?
To be quite honest, yes I would. Because sooo much has changed with both of us (for the better) that I honestly feel that the issues she has brought to the table are completely resolveable. She had told me a few times before she would never leave, and would rather stay trapped in a loveless marriage if it came to it, than to walk out the door and divorce. She does not believe in divorce. I know that it is extremely painful for her. Hence why I think she is erasing. She is also trying to be supportive of me, and my new life because she feels guilty (her words). In reality, all I want is for us to sit down and have an adult conversation about our relationship. She says it is too late. I tell her it is only too late when you are dead.
Her saying "Well we are living like we are divorced, so we should just be divorced" is one of the lamest excuses I have heard in my life.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
She had told me a few times before she would never leave, and would rather stay trapped in a loveless marriage if it came to it, than to walk out the door and divorce. She does not believe in divorce. I know that it is extremely painful for her. Hence why I think she is erasing.
Yes and I am sure that is how she felt at the time. Now she feels like she wants a divorce and maybe her feelings will change again. You seem to be doing an awful lot of mind reading.
My point is you are still really early in the process, divorce takes a really long time and things can change. I can tell you this, if you try to talk, guilt or nice you way out of this she is going to want to get away even more.
She moved out really quickly, there is most likely an OM. Do you know who it is?
She had told me a few times before she would never leave, and would rather stay trapped in a loveless marriage if it came to it, than to walk out the door and divorce. She does not believe in divorce. I know that it is extremely painful for her. Hence why I think she is erasing.
Yes and I am sure that is how she felt at the time. Now she feels like she wants a divorce and maybe her feelings will change again. You seem to be doing an awful lot of mind reading.
My point is you are still really early in the process, divorce takes a really long time and things can change. I can tell you this, if you try to talk, guilt or nice you way out of this she is going to want to get away even more.
She moved out really quickly, there is most likely an OM. Do you know who it is?
No, I don't. I don't think there was an OM when she moved out. My wife is rather impulsive. When she makes a decision, she want's it done ASAP. Like when I proposed Xmas eve. She wanted to be married within a few weeks. It killed her that I told her I wanted a traditional wedding, and made her wait 10 months.
I know she has met some people on Tinder. How far it went, IDK (She said he was divorced and offered great advice)
I am trying not to mind read. I am really am. I am trying to observe her actions. The problem is, her actions, while seeming to point to I absolutely want a Divorce, also seem to point sometimes to I miss you, and need to get rid of you from my life so I don't
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I know she has met some people on Tinder. How far it went, IDK (She said he was divorced and offered great advice)
I am trying not to mind read. I am really am. I am trying to observe her actions. [/quote]
Looks to me like her actions are telling you that she wants to be single again. You are going to have to decide if you are willing to wait around and be her plan B.
I know she has met some people on Tinder. How far it went, IDK (She said he was divorced and offered great advice)
I am trying not to mind read. I am really am. I am trying to observe her actions.
Looks to me like her actions are telling you that she wants to be single again. You are going to have to decide if you are willing to wait around and be her plan B. [/quote]
I don't want to be plan B. I want to be plan A. I want her to not give up. I want her to not try to pretend the last 11 years did not exist. But most of all, I want her to open up and TALK to me.
But none of that is in my control. So I am working on me, the only thing I /can/ control.
I don't tell her I love her. I don't try to win her back. I have been detached when she is around. I pretend that I am very happy. I look really good right now, I am very active. I am showing her that I am motivated, loving and nurturing, without saying it. BUT, I am doing that, not for HER, but for ME!
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I don't tell her I love her. I don't try to win her back. I have been detached when she is around. I pretend that I am very happy. I look really good right now, I am very active. I am showing her that I am motivated, loving and nurturing, without saying it. BUT, I am doing that, not for HER, but for ME!
Most of the above sounds great but can you expand on what you mean by being loving and nurturing without saying it?
No argument here on that. Make sure you don't let her actions disrespect you. If she's on Tinder and with that business, you will have to decide what you will accept and what you won't. Don't talk to her about what she's doing on Tinder - that is allowing her to disrespect you. If she brings it up, cut it off and say that you're not interested. Sandi's thread on WW is a must read in your sitch. Have you read it?
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I want her to not give up.
Yeh of course, but you're too early in your sitch to see if that's the case for sure. She's in her own emotional space and you have to let her ride out that process and see what happens at the end of it. In the meantime, get to a place where you know what you need from her if she wants to recon and that you're willing to walk away if she doesn't meet them.
Quote:
But most of all, I want her to open up and TALK to me
I totally get where you're coming from. But right now you can't trust what she tells you and she's not going to be honest and transparent with you. You have to get to a place where you can hear her, but she has to get there too. Right now if she talks, just validate and move on.
Quote:
I don't tell her I love her. I don't try to win her back. I have been detached when she is around. I pretend that I am very happy. I look really good right now, I am very active. I am showing her that I am motivated, loving and nurturing, without saying it. BUT, I am doing that, not for HER, but for ME
I don't tell her I love her. I don't try to win her back. I have been detached when she is around. I pretend that I am very happy. I look really good right now, I am very active. I am showing her that I am motivated, loving and nurturing, without saying it. BUT, I am doing that, not for HER, but for ME!
Most of the above sounds great but can you expand on what you mean by being loving and nurturing without saying it?
Basically, controlling my temper when my daughter acts out around us. Instead, I come at it in a much more compassionate way. I wouldn't yell at D before, but my patience was much shorter then than it is now. I am not trying to be loving and nurturing to W because she isn't in a place to want that. Instead I try to show it in other ways. Volunteering, church, etc.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
