WAS OR WHAT 10

[roist]

Hi all in DB land.

The two week family holiday has come and gone. 24/7 for two weeks always leaves me deflated about our R. But this is motivating as it pushes me to make further changes to improve my life. I may list these later but for now I just want to mention that I have a list of actions all ME related in the pipeline.

The holiday was good in that I spent quality time with sons, discovered a new area, got in some exercise, ate good food, had great weather and made some good memories for us all.

As per all holidays in the last three years I thought of this one being possibly the last family one. Early on this depressed me but now I can turn that page with anticipation. I really don't like the way things are.

During the holiday one of our sons was very difficult at bedtime. This was a major stress, which spilled over into stress between W and I.OOne night I got annoyed about a comment W made. I had enough and told her that I wantED us to walk together in the same direction (regarding parenting) but it was too late for that now. I left for half an hour or so to get some air.We didn't discuss it further.

The next day things carried on as usual. Throughout the holiday we got on OK but with our usual lack of connection. Nowadays I am less active at recreating connection and replace it with other stuff. I can sit in silence longer than ever but tend more to leave such situations and do other stuff without W.

The night we got home W had a big blowout with my son. She got really upset (understandably) and shut me out as well as the boys. I learned somewhere that when you feel least like making an effort, is when one is most needed in a R. So I tried to show solidarity and empathy through various gestes. There was no togetherness at all. I gave her space.

Early the next day my W blows up again with sons. Long story short I sensed that my W's crisis was possibly coming to break point. I thought she would leave. Although not what I want, I didn't dread that. I take over looking after the boys as I did the previous evening. Things resumed their normal flow.

Yesterday I was frustrated with not being able to communicate with W about what to do. She made it clear she wanted to do something but every suggestion I made wasn't acceptable. I decided to go do a small task and come back to her.

When I did W expressed her dislike for me ignoring her. This lead to one of our longest conversations in a while and definitely the deepest in years. II resisted saying my first thoughts as they mostly were defensive or critical.It was calm. I explained I wasn't ignoring her but when she appears not interested I keep myself busy. She stated she never said she wasn't interested to which I replied, not in words.

I asked her when was the last time she asked me about my day. My work or about me? She countered when was the last time I volunteered such info without needing 50 questions. I said I do so from time to time but is often received with indifference so I am less inclined to do so now. She told me I needed to make a big effort to improve my communication.II replied I would love to have us talk and communicate more effectivelybbut that isn't possible when one person is checked out.

The conversation went on a little more but got interrupted and was never finished. I may reopen it but first wanted to hear from you guys and especially Job.

Three great positives were spoken by my W.
1. Is interested in the goings on of my life
2. Wants better communication
3. Wants us to do more when kids are busy

The conversation is tinged by her putting the onus on me to improve the communication and me ignoring her. I placed some truth darts about her part. She stated my lack of communication as one of the main reasons she checked out. I accepted my part in her checking out, but restated that I cannot and will not communicate with someone not present too.

I got to go but I would love to hear how you guys interpret recent episodesiI will say more after feedback.