Not sure what else to do

[25yearsmlc]

I am afraid if I detach too much she will think I just don't care and will justify to herself that leaving was the right thing to do.

^^^this is a common fear, but it's rarely accurate. Very rarely. And frankly, imo, it'd would be a good thing for her to wonder.

If she does not feel she's losing you, then there's nothing for her to miss.

And the more you challenge her choices, the more she'll be forced to defend them. Don't help her cement her position by questioning her decisions or motivation or trying to guilt her.

And do not assume she feels guilt b/c YOU would, under the same circumstances. Chances are high she has justified her choices or she would not be making them. Only life will show her that the grass is greenest where you water it the most. It's not a spouse's job to teach them a lesson or show them consequences, that's what LIFE does. (But don't help her avoid those lessons/consequences either.)

Back off and let her wonder. Make yourself happy b/c regardless of what SHE does or says

your course of action is the same for now. GAL and learning to detach.

Here are some quotes about Detachment that I've picked up over the years, some from Peanut and others all around.

Healthy Detachment, Part 1.

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want - so I must pull back.’

(*Though there may be a time in which You DO seek withdrawal & indifference, it's not now).*

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."



Hang in there.

[Jmstl]

So the W takes kicboxing at the spot my D does Karate. There is a short overlap where wr see each other. Yesterday W said D wanted to switch her time. Asked D, and she said mommy brought it up. W said today, if there is an issue with her being there, like D does not listen, she can rearrangr her schedule. It has not been an issue so far. What gives?

Also today she said my apt looks amazing. She mentioned the storage unit, and I responded, my portion is almost completely gone and she said she was soooo jealous.

Also, I looked supa fly today. I was walking for an hour and she saw me walking back. Sporting new hair cut, new threads, new shades, and new shoes. I looked DAMN GOOD.

[Jmstl]

Dear DB Diary:

Great evening. Spent time shopping with the kids. maintained a positive attitude all day. Really looking forward to kickboxing tomorrow. Started talking to someone on Bumble tonight. Not that either of us expect anything serious. But it was nice to know that we matched, and someone else finds me attractive. My ego has been boosted slightly.

Still miss the W. Wish I could fully detach. Wish she would 'come home'. Two steps forward and one step back. I am dreading our divorce hearing. I think the W is trying to erase me to cover her pain and guilt. No idea if true, and trying not to dwell on it. I can't control her, only me. Looking forward to Kickboxing, and making some new friends. I really need to expand my social circle.

Bought a chromebook and started writing again. Got 5 more pages of the book done. But the book is about us and our family. What do I do? Do I include all the crap going on? Or should I end the book on a high note?

Goodnight DB diary

[Jmstl]

Dear DB Diary:

This morning was a mixed bag. I woke up feeling great. But as I saw D get on the bus, I started to get flooded with emotion. I /hate/ being a part time parent. D just wants us to work things out. She wants us to stay married. It is hard for her. She understands what is going on, but she doesn't like it at all. I feel she is going to grow up to resent the W. I'm watching how she copes, to see if she will need therapy.

[TBSakaJ9]

JM....hang in there. I can tell you from experience that your D will look to you and your W for support and observe how you are handling the situation. Stay strong, don't blame your W and always act happy around your kids to give them confidence and so they know that daddy is doing great!

To be honest how this has impacted my children still pisses me off and it is the 1 thing I still cry about. Initially I was not looking forward to being a part-time parent either but I now have to look at the positives. FOOTBALL season starts this Saturday and I can watch all day without someone nagging at me!!

I asked my IC about my kids and what to watch for. She told me my 8 yr old is old enough to express her feelings and I should observe but also know that I can ask her questions about how she feels about mommy and daddy not living together etc. she said my 6 yr was too young too question and to just observe her behavior, how she plays, school work, etc.

It [censored] either way you just have to make the most of and know it will pass.

[Maika]

I fully agree with Joseph here. That's the issue that cuts me up the most. My children don't deserve this.

I had to drop off kiddos at W's place so the in-laws can look after them during the day as I am working. Both kids were super emotional and didn't want me to go. It was killing me inside to see them like that but I put my game face on and gave them love and hugs and kisses and told them that I will be back to pick them up and we're going to spend the evening together.

It is the only thing that brings so much pain every day for me. I can handle whatever W throws at me, but to see the kids suffer through this transition is what is most difficult.

I know it will pass and kids are resilient, but they most certainly didn't have to be put through this. It is unfair on them.

[Jmstl]

Joseph,

Thanks. I don't blame W. I do not disparage her at all, and frequently talk her up to the kids. I know she does the same for me. We have agreed to not disparage each other at all. To insult W, is to insult the children. They are part her.

I am enjoying the time to myself, doing things I want to do. But at the same time, I am lonely. A lot of what I want to do, and do, are the same things W is doing. And so I find myself saying, "why can't we just do X together"

[Jmstl]

I fully agree with Joseph here. That's the issue that cuts me up the most. My children don't deserve this.

I had to drop off kiddos at W's place so the in-laws can look after them during the day as I am working. Both kids were super emotional and didn't want me to go. It was killing me inside to see them like that but I put my game face on and gave them love and hugs and kisses and told them that I will be back to pick them up and we're going to spend the evening together.

It is the only thing that brings so much pain every day for me. I can handle whatever W throws at me, but to see the kids suffer through this transition is what is most difficult.

I know it will pass and kids are resilient, but they most certainly didn't have to be put through this. It is unfair on them.

It is unfair! I know that they will be okay because W and I can and are being good coparents. But TBH, they will never be what they 'could' be, had W decided to work it out, and they grew up in a loving 2 parent household.

[TBSakaJ9]

Your kids will be fine......just make sure they see no negative interaction between you and your W. You have to keep your marital issues behind the curtain. Just love them and always be there for them. Try to keep their schedule and activities as normal as you can. I always make sure I let them know where they are staying, who is picking them up, etc. Keep them informed of the plan.

My DB coach told me to plan family time together once a week so our kids can still get the interaction of mommy and daddy being together. Since both of my D's are now in soccer season I utilize the games on Saturday to fill that void.

[LH19]

But TBH, they will never be what they 'could' be, had W decided to work it out, and they grew up in a loving 2 parent household.

JMSTL,

What if your wife said "you know what you are right, this isn't fair to the children. I am not happy, but I am going to stay in this marriage for the next 20 years until are youngest is an adult". Would you be ok with that? Could you live like that for the next 20 years?