I have been thinking about things (because really, I have plenty of time). Fogg, I would have to say it was about at the 5 year point that I began to feel this way, only to have it intensify over the past few years. I embraced those first 5 years (after getting over the tragedy and obstablces I had ) and I took that time for me. I reconnected fully with my long time friends, I made new ones, I had a social life of my own, I did and continue to the do the best as a motherless and partnerless newbie mom. I developed hobbies, and I enjoyed doing my own thing with no one to answer to. It was great. I found out who ME was independent of anyone else. Sure, I had a guy in my life and we were eachothers default for companionship. But otherwise my life has been solo for most of my real adult years. The desire to share my new found life became really apparent at year five, and only increased as time went on. Then when I got a taste of it, it because just too strong I guess. I went from 27 year old new mom divorcee and now I am a woman reaching her 40's (yikes) and I lost my chance at another child, and I am just needing what I haven't gotten, well, ever really in my life.
That being said, oh yes, I would way rather be single than with the wrong guy. I married the wrong guy and look where that got me! And I have had some valuable lessons dating the past few years where I am still learning about myself and relationships.
I guess with all the time on my hands, I have had time to sit here and really see I am an oddity. I just don't know why it hasn't happened. I am better at stopping the thoughts that want to creep in that say "you are unlovable". Because I think I am worth the whole shebang. I really do thing I have a lot to offer. I want to be the woman who a guy couldn't just give or take so easily, but couldn't imagine not being with me.
Whatever the reason, it's obvious I still have to be utterly patient.
One last downer, then I will get to the happy stuff.
I am absolutely thrilled my baby is home from her vacation! My dad and his wife came back this weekend, we went out to dinner Saturday which felt sooooo good, we took a spin (literally, I got a motorized cart)and went shopping at Walmart because I could! Thenw e ate outside at the airport and it was nice. Today is my first post-op apt and I will be starting PT this week.
Ok, so, this is just me journaling my feelings, not a complaint. My ex and OWW took D9 to a concert 2 days before leaving for vacation, went on vacation, now they are home and this week he will take her to this kiddie park with her aunt and cousins. I am happy he does stuff with her. But the Disney dad thing gets under my skin sometimes while I do the real parenting and he just has the fun. My most important outcome is my daughter is happy and is getting these experiences. But yeah, it bothers me I can't be the one. I did not bring her on vacation this year, I got injured early in the summer so we couldn't do too many activities. And now on the days she has home with me before summer ends I really can't do anything with her. It just stinks. Next year I have got to give her a vacation. Oh, and she gets a cruise next year because that is what his sister wants for her 40th birthday. For everyone to go on a cruise. So, yes, I am happy my child gets these experiences. My inability to give her them makes me sad.
I am doing my best to remain patient in all areas of my life. Patient in waiting to heal, to get back out there and have some fun, to find the right guy. It's a whole lot of patience that I admittedly run out of sometimes.
Hey, I finished my last full class! I can't believe I am going to be Ginger RN, BSN soon.
I do look back on my life and I have accomplished a lot, on my own, against many odds. I take great pride in that.
