But this is such a short time period of relative stability, why not build on that and THEN worry about the rest?
I'm not saying to sweep it under the rug AT ALL.
I'm just saying not to rock the boat for now so she can see what m to you can be like in a new m, so she can want it to work.
Your expectations are - to me - too high too soon.
What are my expectations? An explanation? Not sweeping it under the rug?
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AND OR because she doesn't want to be transparent or do the work, yet. And she may never want to, but that's for a later time (unless you become the WAS, which is not uncommon.)
This is exactly what I expect is going on.
What is a reasonable amount of time?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I'm just saying not to rock the boat for now so she can see what m to you can be like in a new m, so she can want it to work.
Well, as I see it takes two to make it work. Not just me not rocking the boat. Many of the adjustments that I have made, that DB has recommended (and I agree with), are not sustainable for an indefinite amount of time.
In order for her to see how wonderful our M could be, I'm going to have to have some needs met. Oh, for the time being, I can play along but the necessary changes needed are not limited to me. I sometimes get the feeling you elude to this and I'm trying to understand. Of course, I am the only person I have control to change.
Communication is the key here. Unless I'm missing something?
Even if I were to decide to not "stick it out", it would require some communication from the W.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Most or all of your questions hinge on what stage you are in.
Please recap what your wife and you have actually said you each want now.
I don't know if you are reconciled, because if you are, then you need to piece. Which is harder than you think.
But if either of you is on the fence about reconciling, that's different.
As for your expectations, I think yours are expecting more clarity than is possible now, and your observations about your wife's behavior are about you reading into things too soon.
Monitoring for results when it's only a short term behavior is not really a "result" yet. Several of us have told you this but you tend to dismiss or deflect our feedback on this. You tell us we misunderstand you or that we don't know you or your wife - which is a given. We only know what you write and how you react and whatever our own experiences are here. I hope you can take in what we write rather than trying to "correct" us.
(That ^^tendency might be worth exploring, btw.)
Another thing that struck me was that you seem to believe if your w is warm or looks content, that she must be pretending it's all fine. As if you were not hurt.
But that implies that she has to behave in some sort of openly pained, or supplicating way, or ashamed manner to show you that she knows you were hurt.
It's understandable that we want reassurance from our partners that we won't be hurt like this again. It's incumbent upon us to express how that can be shown.
Again, so much depends on what you each want. What has been stated?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Most or all of your questions hinge on what stage you are in.
I don't know what stage we are in. That would require a R talk which I am not pursuing.
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Please recap what your wife and you have actually said you each want now.
The only thing said by each is that neither is pursuing filing right now.
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Several of us have told you this but you tend to dismiss or deflect our feedback on this. You tell us we misunderstand you or that we don't know you or your wife - which is a given. We only know what you write and how you react and whatever our own experiences are here. I hope you can take in what we write rather than trying to "correct" us.
(That ^^tendency might be worth exploring, btw.)
I believe I have only corrected when I believe that the understanding of the turn of events was not accurate. Not the advice.
Sorry if you feel your advice has been fought.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
