WAS Rushing into Legal Filings

[FizzSer]

She has mild depression and is on anti-depressants. She has a hard time working and typically works 8 hours a week at a minimum wage job

Please bear with me while I ask a lot of questions. You are not obligated to respond, of course. It's just my way of trying to see things more clearly. So, in the quote above, are you saying your W has a problem working over one hour per day, b/c she has mild depression? How much does her anger play into not holding down a job?

Very little. Her recent job issues were more around companies going out of business and her lack of motivation to find one.

She can easily work more -- she doesn't like to.

She has been not well for a few years. In many ways my life is better without her. I worked full time as management, as well as did all the grocery shopping, cooking, kitchen cleanup, meal planning, finances, 'normal' guys things like car maintenance, household maintenance. We had a cleaner to clean the house. She did the laundry. A normal schedule for me when I got home from work would be to clean up the kitchen from her use during the day, then cook a healthy dinner, then clean up the table/kitchen, then do bedtime routine with our son -- by which point she was tired and often already asleep.

So, what exactly did she do with her time? When you say she's not been well, are you referring to her mild depression.......for which she is being treated? Does she have other health issues?

No idea! We even keep our son in daycare three days a week on days when she has a few hours of work. Don't know what she did with her free time that much -- napped, did some crochet, visit friends. House was usually messier when I came home than when I left.

I would often use our unequal contribution against her.

Well, I could see why! What did she contribute?

She did the laundry. Sometimes and not reliably. We hired a cleaner to come every two weeks as well.

I support our separation. She did the right thing even though it was sudden. She probably did not feel like she could express her fears/worries to me, or like I would ever change. I do not think I would have seen how I was acting if she had brought it up to me. We were attending marriage counselling and both said things were getting better, but we missed the 'big items'.

What were the "big items"?

My pride and anger issues. Her lack of compassion or understanding. Her resentment. My controlling nature. How I would hold things over her. I wouldn't give her time to calm down to apologise -- I would demand them immediately. I was easily frustrated.

This got worse as her contribution to the household and marriage decreased.

My wife is the most kind and loving person I know

Including the DV and the fact she hit your son? That statement seems to counteract with the description you laid out.

I think we all lose control at times -- it doesn't stop us from being loving.

But she has been hurt so bad that she cannot see anything past herself now.

What happened to her?

I think I've described some of it above.

She has taken up with a group of friends who have all recently left their husbands so I am worried she is getting bad advice that is not considering 6 months from now, 5 years from now, etc.

Yes, that is a very legitimate reason to cause concern, b/c of the influence the other women can have on her.

My mother killed herself in a bathroom from depression, so i couldn't leave her in there. So i would open the door, and she was hit me to get away from me. Very much 'self defence' but still not excusable. Just a bad situation all around.

Very sorry to hear that. It must have brought back very painful memories when your W would retreat to the bathroom during a fight. Did your W know your mother committed suicide in much of the same way she continues to act out? Did you have to take care of the house and cooking for your mom, too?

I could see why you cater to your W b/c of the ordeal surrounding your mother. Has your W ever been tested for anything other than diagnosed with mild depression?

I'm not a doctor, but I have suffered with depression since I was a teenager.......so I am familiar with it. I have been on anti-depressants practically my entire adult life. I have held down a full time job all my adult life, while raising a family and holding down many church obligations, civic duties, etc. I have suffered from an extensive list of health problems...........and, had very little help from my H. So, I have a hard time seeing that your W does not have something other than mild depression going on with her. You say she hasn't been well for years. I'm asking what is her health problem? Why can't she work over one hour an day? Why can't she take care of her home and family? Has it always been this way? What is the real deal?

And finally, if she's that incapable.........how can she take care of your child?

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These are good questions. When I meant by not well, I meant the lack of emotional support I was giving was exacerbating her depression and motivation. Every day, she would be fearful that I would come home and get upset about the mess the house was in as it just got in the way of the chores I had to do (cooking/cleaning).

It doesn't matter whether she should have contribute more or not -- I was not compassionate about it.

I am a bit concerned about her ability to care for our S which is part of where the legal action is putting me at conflict with how do I do what is in her best interests vs our S's. I do not think it is in our S's best interests for her to have more than 50/50 custody, and once there is a financial split I think that will be too much too.