WAS Rushing into Legal Filings

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for posting bluWave.

The DV wasn't that bad -- it was NOT acceptable and one of the big problems was my wife had a hard time admitting that it wasn't, she blamed it on me. It wasn't abusive, it never just happened as I came home. Typically it occurred when my wife would try to 'get away' from one of our fights and lock herself in a bathroom.

can you see HER POV here without immediately then defending your own? You won't release her to get some space b/c you have your own baggage about it from childhood.

I'm extremely sorry about your mom's death. Even so, I don't think it's your wife's job to reassure you when she needs space from a conflict.

My mother killed herself in a bathroom from depression, so i couldn't leave her in there. So i would open the door, and she was hit me to get away from me. Very much 'self defence' but still not excusable. Just a bad situation all around.

what would SHE say if she were here?

Would she say you refused to back off and got in her face? Bathrooms are not large spaces. You say it's self defense on HER part but then you say it's inexcusable.

If you were to have another conflict with her, and she wanted to retreat or escape, would you do anything differently?


Her depression wouldn't be that extreme compared to others I've seen.


This^^^ matters.

The biggest changes in myself are identifying my own pride, putting aside my own wants and ego, self rationalisations, identifying that I DO have blind spots and am not perfect, and asking others for honest feedback on my problems.


^^^these are very general. Do you have any specific behaviors you want to change?


Right now I am struggling with how I approach the legal situation. I have a fair amount of evidence of DV, poor behaviour, not quite with it, and am experience in legal matters.

It's precisely because of the legal matters that I favor putting everything in writing.


It is unlikely my wife will get what she wants out of this but I might hurt her so bad because of it. So I question: Is that what is best for her? For our son?


You mean b/c you have a scorecard tracking her errors? I don't understand the question. Are you saying you want to use a scorch and burn approach to the divorce BUT you don't know what's best for her or your son?

Behaving in a dignified gracious way is the only surefire way to have no regrets.

Be mindful that she may have her own scorecard and on hers, you have fewer points than you may realize.


I read the boundary threads and think about putting up boundaries, and after a few hours realise the boundaries I'm thinking about are not actually to protect me, but to hurt her.


then as you may have realized, those^^ are NOT boundaries. They are punitive choices made under the guise of boundaries and many hurt LBSers use the pretense of a "boundary setting/teaching a lesson to spouse" just to punish.

After all, when we are hurt, we are tempted to want the spouse to feel our pain.

But it is not our job to teach them a lesson, life does that.


Some of my friends advise me to look out for myself out of 'self care'. But once we are OK with the world and ourselves -- surrender to it -- then that IS self-care.


Nothing punitive here^^^. Or are you saying that your friends are angry and want you to sling some mud?

I am a completely different father because of this. It's incredible. I can see it every day I'm with my son. Our bond has grown leaps and bounds.

Frankly, this is the best thing that ever happened to me. But it doesn't mean I think continuing as a separated family is what is best.

I understand this^^. These ordeals TEND to trigger growth in us if we steer away from acting on anger and are self aware.

There are some who become bitter and vindictive and pretend it's "just showing the WAS the consequences of THEIR behavior", but if you are self aware and honest, you'll know which is which.

If you become a husband only a fool would leave, you'll have done your best.

You said you realized your shortcomings but do you have specific goals to address those issues?

Any short term behavioral goals?

They really help us keep our perspective about our personal progress.