Not sure what else to do

[25yearsmlc]

I am afraid if I detach too much she will think I just don't care and will justify to herself that leaving was the right thing to do.

^^^this is a common fear, but it's rarely accurate. Very rarely. And frankly, imo, it'd would be a good thing for her to wonder.

If she does not feel she's losing you, then there's nothing for her to miss.

And the more you challenge her choices, the more she'll be forced to defend them. Don't help her cement her position by questioning her decisions or motivation or trying to guilt her.

And do not assume she feels guilt b/c YOU would, under the same circumstances. Chances are high she has justified her choices or she would not be making them. Only life will show her that the grass is greenest where you water it the most. It's not a spouse's job to teach them a lesson or show them consequences, that's what LIFE does. (But don't help her avoid those lessons/consequences either.)

Back off and let her wonder. Make yourself happy b/c regardless of what SHE does or says

your course of action is the same for now. GAL and learning to detach.

Here are some quotes about Detachment that I've picked up over the years, some from Peanut and others all around.

Healthy Detachment, Part 1.

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want - so I must pull back.’

(*Though there may be a time in which You DO seek withdrawal & indifference, it's not now).*

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."



Hang in there.