Not sure what else to do

[sandi2]

IMHO, if a wife cannot give specified reasons for wanting to end the M, then the fault probably does not lay at the feet of her H. She may have a laundry list of complaints, such as, not enough help around the house, too much time spent on computer games, not going out socially, nothing in common, etc. Although these complaints may be legit for causing real issues in the couple's MR, they are not unsolvable......and should not merit a divorce. The serious problem comes when the W is not willing to give her H more time to correct these downfalls. It's too little....too late. She is emotionally burned out.

In cases where the W is battling depression, hormonal issues, etc.........her emotional instability and desperate need for feeling happiness can certainly lead her down the road of ending, what she sees as the source of her unhappiness, her MR.

When the W shows no signs of depression or other mental/emotional issues. And she gives the lame excuse of "needing to find herself", you can expect to hear about another person in her life very soon.

Here is a question. Does pursuing have to be emotional in nature? My wife is a dominant personality.

Her personality makes no difference in wanting to get away from her H. Pursuit from the H is not a wise decision on his part. She sees him as the problem in her life. She sees him as the reason for her unhappiness. Therefore, every time he steps toward her, she is going to step back. It's just like steps in a dance. The way you draw her the woman toward you in a slow dance is to do what? She follows the man. When he steps back, she is drawn toward him. This is your guideline throughout this situation with your W.

She says she wants me to step up and lead, but then always does things herself.

This statement immediately tells me something about the dynamics in your MR. You say she is the dominate personality, so am I mistaken to think you may have been somewhat passive and "allowed" her to make day-to-day decisions for the family? I mean, it is not uncommon at all. The H sees his main responsibility is provision for his family, and he does that by holding down a full time job. Many H's leave decisions with running the home and dealing with the kids to the W. They see it as almost a relief to not have to deal with that sort of thing when they get home after working all day. The problem is that it becomes too comfortable for him to leave things up to the W to decide and/or carry through. It becomes a very bad behavior pattern.

The reason it is bad, is b/c the W feels she has to take responsibility where ever her H hasn't stepped up as the head of the family. Over the years, the H becomes more slack or passive, and she has developed a behavior of her own. She has learned to take charge, instead of depending upon her H to tackle it. The problems here is that it causes her to feel disrespect for him. It is extremely frustrating to a woman with your W's personality, to have a H who seems unphased by things that need attended.

The funny thing about M couples is that many are initially attracted to their complete opposite personality type. She is all the things he's not....and vise versa. After living together, the very differences they first found to be attractive, become a source of daily stress on the MR.

I am afraid if I detach too much she will think I just don't care and will justify to herself that leaving was the right thing to do.

The key word in that statement ^^^^^ is "afraid". Your fear of losing your W will cause you to fail in making wise decisions. It will cause you to evaluate and over-think every move and each word from her. When you really detach, it will free you from these concerns, b/c you won't be over focused on her. Detaching is for you, and is the most healthy action you can take for yourself, as well as for the M. Detaching is a mental attitude. It is not being cold, acting mad, or any of those negative actions. Detaching is successful b/c she really needs to be concerned that you are happily moving forward without her. See? You have to change how you look at this situation. Your W's mindset is not the one she used to have. This is not the gal you first married.

Tomorrow the W and I are supposed to clean out our storage unit together. She is supposed to have someone watch the kids so we can concentrate on cleaning.

How do I handle this?
I want to just be cool, and not say anything, or get emotional over stuff in the unit. But I am afraid I will. I also know I will /have/ to communicate with her in some way. I want this to come off as pleasant as possible, probably detached yet polite. Let her know I am moving on. Let see what she will be missing.

It's an unpleasant job, however, if you have things in storage that you want to keep or sale.......that's the time to speak up. Perhaps having an unbiased third party to help would help maintain civil working relations to get the job done. I suggest you speak and don't act cold or mad. That will just set a bad atmosphere that nobody wants. Don't let her bulldoze you about important things......but don't act like a jerk, either. Be in a pleasant business mode.