I will give you my take on this, but please take into account that my sitch is fairly new and I am no expert at DBing yet. I have put my comments in the quote below directly.
Originally Posted By: Jmstl
The pick up went well I guess. My daughter announced to W that daddy looks so handsome because he is going out tonight. The wife said "great!" In her excited voice. I simply told my daughter "That was private" and left it at that.
you didn't need to say that it was private. You could've just left it at whatever your D said. You don't want to pull your kids into what they can say to one parent and what to the other, just my two cents. I haven't stopped my kids sharing anything they want with W. It will just become stressful for them. Think about it. As to your W finding out what you're upto, she can wonder and you can say you're going out and leave it at that.
This morning was the real test. We cleaned out storage. I showed very little emotion, did not bring up the R at all. Only a few things solicited a reaction at all. Want your sex books and vibrator? No okay.
that seems fine.
Only thing that got me was she tried to throw away every single picture of us, Including our wedding pictures. I looked at her and said "No, these are mine. I am keeping them for when the kids get older"
that seems fine too.
At the end, I said "I am going to festival of nations today, if you and kids want to go. If not, that's fine." She responded she promised D swimming. So I just see ya later got in the car and left.
Did you actually want them to join you? If not, I wouldn't have said anything. But if you're testing the waters, then I would have said it this way - "I am going to the festival of nations today. You and kids are welcome to join." But, I would advise against doing 'family' type activities. Don't end invitations with, "if not, it's fine" or a variation of that. It is obviously fine as you are not changing your plans on whether she comes or not.
My sister thinks she is trying to purge me so quickly and completely bc she knows she is doing the wrong thing in giving up. I don't even bother to try and get in her head anymore.
yes, stay away from mind reading as much as possible. It is not easy, especially when you're getting mixed signals. Don't try to understand what her motivations are for anything. It will be maddening.
Also, she noticed my fitbit right off the bat. She asked how I liked it (same kind she has) just said "I love it. I am focused on getting healthy and making my own happiness, so I made a healthy choice.
I would've said - "I love it" and left it at that. Everything else after that is you trying to explain to her that you're making better choices and are different. Trust me she doesn't care if you're making healthy choices. You don't have to prove anything to her. If she had asked something specific about what you're doing with the fitbit, you could've given her some vague answer. Say less, and then if she wants to know more, she will ask. Otherwise, it looks like you're trying too hard. You got it cuz you love it and that's that.
Also, don't try to read into every little nitty gritty conversation. I did that at the beginning. It's good to get your DB bearings and understand Sandi's rules and practice. So, it's fine to evaluate what you have said and what not, but it will become less of an issue over time. You did quite good. I wouldn't beat myself up over any of it. Just minor recommendations for you to sharpen your DB skills.
