Not sure what else to do

[Maika]

I will give you my take on this, but please take into account that my sitch is fairly new and I am no expert at DBing yet. I have put my comments in the quote below directly.

The pick up went well I guess. My daughter announced to W that daddy looks so handsome because he is going out tonight. The wife said "great!" In her excited voice. I simply told my daughter "That was private" and left it at that.

you didn't need to say that it was private. You could've just left it at whatever your D said. You don't want to pull your kids into what they can say to one parent and what to the other, just my two cents. I haven't stopped my kids sharing anything they want with W. It will just become stressful for them. Think about it. As to your W finding out what you're upto, she can wonder and you can say you're going out and leave it at that.

This morning was the real test. We cleaned out storage. I showed very little emotion, did not bring up the R at all. Only a few things solicited a reaction at all. Want your sex books and vibrator? No okay.

that seems fine.

Only thing that got me was she tried to throw away every single picture of us, Including our wedding pictures. I looked at her and said "No, these are mine. I am keeping them for when the kids get older"

that seems fine too.

At the end, I said "I am going to festival of nations today, if you and kids want to go. If not, that's fine." She responded she promised D swimming. So I just see ya later got in the car and left.

Did you actually want them to join you? If not, I wouldn't have said anything. But if you're testing the waters, then I would have said it this way -
"I am going to the festival of nations today. You and kids are welcome to join."
But, I would advise against doing 'family' type activities. Don't end invitations with, "if not, it's fine" or a variation of that. It is obviously fine as you are not changing your plans on whether she comes or not.

My sister thinks she is trying to purge me so quickly and completely bc she knows she is doing the wrong thing in giving up. I don't even bother to try and get in her head anymore.

yes, stay away from mind reading as much as possible. It is not easy, especially when you're getting mixed signals. Don't try to understand what her motivations are for anything. It will be maddening.

Also, she noticed my fitbit right off the bat. She asked how I liked it (same kind she has) just said "I love it. I am focused on getting healthy and making my own happiness, so I made a healthy choice.

I would've said - "I love it" and left it at that. Everything else after that is you trying to explain to her that you're making better choices and are different. Trust me she doesn't care if you're making healthy choices. You don't have to prove anything to her. If she had asked something specific about what you're doing with the fitbit, you could've given her some vague answer. Say less,
and then if she wants to know more, she will ask. Otherwise, it looks like you're trying too hard. You got it cuz you love it and that's that.

Also, don't try to read into every little nitty gritty conversation. I did that at the beginning. It's good to get your DB bearings and understand Sandi's rules and practice. So, it's fine to evaluate what you have said and what not, but it will become less of an issue over time. You did quite good. I wouldn't beat myself up over any of it. Just minor recommendations for you to sharpen your DB skills.

[sandi2]

IMHO, if a wife cannot give specified reasons for wanting to end the M, then the fault probably does not lay at the feet of her H. She may have a laundry list of complaints, such as, not enough help around the house, too much time spent on computer games, not going out socially, nothing in common, etc. Although these complaints may be legit for causing real issues in the couple's MR, they are not unsolvable......and should not merit a divorce. The serious problem comes when the W is not willing to give her H more time to correct these downfalls. It's too little....too late. She is emotionally burned out.

In cases where the W is battling depression, hormonal issues, etc.........her emotional instability and desperate need for feeling happiness can certainly lead her down the road of ending, what she sees as the source of her unhappiness, her MR.

When the W shows no signs of depression or other mental/emotional issues. And she gives the lame excuse of "needing to find herself", you can expect to hear about another person in her life very soon.

Here is a question. Does pursuing have to be emotional in nature? My wife is a dominant personality.

Her personality makes no difference in wanting to get away from her H. Pursuit from the H is not a wise decision on his part. She sees him as the problem in her life. She sees him as the reason for her unhappiness. Therefore, every time he steps toward her, she is going to step back. It's just like steps in a dance. The way you draw her the woman toward you in a slow dance is to do what? She follows the man. When he steps back, she is drawn toward him. This is your guideline throughout this situation with your W.

She says she wants me to step up and lead, but then always does things herself.

This statement immediately tells me something about the dynamics in your MR. You say she is the dominate personality, so am I mistaken to think you may have been somewhat passive and "allowed" her to make day-to-day decisions for the family? I mean, it is not uncommon at all. The H sees his main responsibility is provision for his family, and he does that by holding down a full time job. Many H's leave decisions with running the home and dealing with the kids to the W. They see it as almost a relief to not have to deal with that sort of thing when they get home after working all day. The problem is that it becomes too comfortable for him to leave things up to the W to decide and/or carry through. It becomes a very bad behavior pattern.

The reason it is bad, is b/c the W feels she has to take responsibility where ever her H hasn't stepped up as the head of the family. Over the years, the H becomes more slack or passive, and she has developed a behavior of her own. She has learned to take charge, instead of depending upon her H to tackle it. The problems here is that it causes her to feel disrespect for him. It is extremely frustrating to a woman with your W's personality, to have a H who seems unphased by things that need attended.

The funny thing about M couples is that many are initially attracted to their complete opposite personality type. She is all the things he's not....and vise versa. After living together, the very differences they first found to be attractive, become a source of daily stress on the MR.

I am afraid if I detach too much she will think I just don't care and will justify to herself that leaving was the right thing to do.

The key word in that statement ^^^^^ is "afraid". Your fear of losing your W will cause you to fail in making wise decisions. It will cause you to evaluate and over-think every move and each word from her. When you really detach, it will free you from these concerns, b/c you won't be over focused on her. Detaching is for you, and is the most healthy action you can take for yourself, as well as for the M. Detaching is a mental attitude. It is not being cold, acting mad, or any of those negative actions. Detaching is successful b/c she really needs to be concerned that you are happily moving forward without her. See? You have to change how you look at this situation. Your W's mindset is not the one she used to have. This is not the gal you first married.

Tomorrow the W and I are supposed to clean out our storage unit together. She is supposed to have someone watch the kids so we can concentrate on cleaning.

How do I handle this?
I want to just be cool, and not say anything, or get emotional over stuff in the unit. But I am afraid I will. I also know I will /have/ to communicate with her in some way. I want this to come off as pleasant as possible, probably detached yet polite. Let her know I am moving on. Let see what she will be missing.

It's an unpleasant job, however, if you have things in storage that you want to keep or sale.......that's the time to speak up. Perhaps having an unbiased third party to help would help maintain civil working relations to get the job done. I suggest you speak and don't act cold or mad. That will just set a bad atmosphere that nobody wants. Don't let her bulldoze you about important things......but don't act like a jerk, either. Be in a pleasant business mode.

[Jmstl]

Thank you that was such great advice in regards to cleaning out the storage unit please see my post on page 5 I think that it went fairly well

[TBSakaJ9]

Dude....ur w sounds like mine. Said I didn't challenge her enough to be a better person. No problems in the bedroom said it was the best sex she ever had. Best advice, get in the gym, lose weight, get some new clothes, haircut, etc. Show her what she is missing!!

[sandi2]

This morning was the real test. We cleaned out storage. I showed very little emotion, did not bring up the R at all. Only a few things solicited a reaction at all. Want your sex books and vibrator? No okay.

Only thing that got me was she tried to throw away every single picture of us, Including our wedding pictures. I looked at her and said "No, these are mine. I am keeping them for when the kids get older"

I've seen this IRL. It is exactly like purging the past. I couldn't believe it when my ex DIL gave all the wedding photos to my S.........plus all the wedding gifts that had their names and wedding date inscribed. They meant nothing to her.

It's so sad what it does to the family, b/c they haven't even had time to adjust to the idea of their family breaking up.

My sister thinks she is trying to purge me so quickly and completely bc she knows she is doing the wrong thing in giving up. I don't even bother to try and get in her head anymore.

IMHO, it is b/c of the wayward mindset she has developed. Perhaps a part is due to her knowing she is wrong........but I would not say she's giving in. She is "replacing". In a matter of time, I think it will be revealed. Although she may try to conceal when her new found love began......I think he'll show up on the scene very soon.

At the end, I said "I am going to festival of nations today, if you and kids want to go. If not, that's fine." She responded she promised D swimming. So I just see ya later got in the car and left.

She has made it clear that she no longer wants the life she shared with you. My advice is to stop inviting her to join in any activities with you.....or as a family.

[Jmstl]

Thanks Sandi. I know she has been talking to someone online. Finding her Tinder account is what really broke me, and knowing she has met people while I was home watching our children. I hope to God some light bulb goes off in her head, bit I am sure it wont. For her to so quickly flip from wanting to rebuild the union (her words) to I dont want to try bc I dont think it can is dizzying. I can't read her mind, and she isn't the same person, but I feel like she is trying to cover her anxiety and tell herself she is strong and it is the right thing to do, even though she says she feels really guilty. I just don't f'ing know anymore

[sandi2]

Have you read this link? And there are more that follows.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

[Jmstl]

I had not read it because I do not think she is having an affair. I truely believed that. All the rest though, seems to ring true. She does not want to liste. And everything that I should have done is too little too late

[TBSakaJ9]

JM.....more than likely it is probably true that there is OM in the picture. My W said she wanted a D, moved out and has not filed yet. So for me it says either she has OM but he might be married so she can't be with him 100% or she just wants to live the single life and date around. I don't have 100% concrete proof but I would be foolish to think otherwise. Once I am presented with the 100% concrete proof them I will have to think about what my next steps are.

Either way you just have to take care of yourself and be the best Jmstl you can be. Self analyze yourself and determine where your faults are at and work on improving them for yourself. Get back into the gym, etc. make girls notice you. I was walking out today after my workout and was checking out a girl on the stairmaster. She looked up, saw me checking her out and immediately looked away. I thought to myself. GOTCHA! Confidence boosters like that will serve you well.

I personally have had a rough weekend with my emotions, not sure why. Just get back on the horse and ride like you have never ridden before.

Also I have spent hours on this site reading over some of the great advice the vets have given over the years. I would strongly encourage you to do the same. Some go back 10 to 11 years ago. I recently have been reading Starsky, Denver and Gucci Loafer to name a few. It just helps get your mind right, it is better than therapy!

[sandi2]

I had not read it because I do not think she is having an affair. I truely believed that. All the rest though, seems to ring true. She does not want to liste. And everything that I should have done is too little too late

Wayward definition, turned or turning away from what is right or proper; willful; disobedient.
synonyms of wayward: willful · headstrong · stubborn · obstinate · obdurate · perverse · contrary · disobedient · insubordinate · undisciplined · rebellious · defiant

Having an affair is not necessary in defining a wayward wife. True, in most cases an affair eventually shows up. It's not the affair that makes her wayward. The affair is an act of rebellion. The source of her overt waywardness is her mindset. It begins with resentment, disrespect, and then.....rebellion.