Trying to do the right thing...

[OC_Hope]

Thank you guys for the encouragement. I'm writing you today from that very state I went to visit. Last month I decided there wasn't much to go back too, so I rented a new place and moved our stuff here. Unfortunately, my eldest daughter decided she wanted to finish her last year back home, so she did not stay. My two boys stayed with me.

I offered to fly my XW her over the summer and she has canceled her ticket three times, hasn't seen the boys since mid-June. In the time I've been here she's sent me several texts and calls wanted to figure out her steps back to her marriage, asking me to show her the way.

I've been reluctant to tell her anything as I've felt this is more of the same from when I lived there. It's like I think if I give her any direction and things don't work out just the way I tell her, then she's going to blame me for all of it.

To add another layer of complexity, I learned from my daughter that my XW is still seeing the OM even though she's adamant they've broken up when just three weeks ago she went to Mexico with him.

I get the sense we're in a stalemate. She cries and tells me she misses us, yet she shows little follow through or displays few classical instances of sincerity when making changes or pursuing. It's all like a big "anchor check" where she's checking in to see if I'm emotionally open and then runs back to her OM.

Add to that, she stated this week she's overdrawn and asked if I would bail her out again as a loan against her spousal support. This time I stood my ground and said "no."

She didn't like that but later apologized for even asking for money. Her work has been sparse, and what she hasn't realized yet is in our last agreement, she is expected to start paying for half of the kid's expenses next month.

My concern is she's running short on cash and so all of these emotional attempts are meant to manipulate my emotions to get me to bend... on the other hand, she could also be reaching out to escape the financial strain and her OM, instead wanting me to rescue her – he's been in and out of court the last year for counts of battery and false imprisonment of his last wife. She's told me he does similar things to her... He's a real gem.

Anyway. I'm getting settled in my new home, have kids enrolled in school, and my goal is to do my best to detach from her drama and let her start to cope with life on life's terms. If she really needs to have a second childhood, it doesn't need to be all on my dime.

I guess I'm just nervous I might be doing the wrong thing. Is this what I should be doing? How am I to tell when she's playing me and when she's absolutely sincere about rebuilding our lives together?

How to tell the difference?