What to Do?

[sandi2]

Do you think I should contact her on the day her dad passed?

That's a tough one. Ordinarily, I discourage engaging in any traditional celebrations/activities with her and her family. However, when there has been a death, I do think that's an exception. Since you have just recently separated, I suggest you send a short and simple text. Something like, "Thinking of you and your family today". (I'm not that good in wording things). Don't try to play on emotions, or encourage her to talk about it.

Just for anyone's information about deaths occuring in the W's family, I have seen occasions IRL where a couple had been split and someone from her immediate family would pass away. The LBH would attend the funeral and be so emotional he'd nearly have to be carried out. I have seen this more than a couple of times. And when I looked at the W, she appeared disgusted with her LBH. In each case, the W was not moved by her H's display of emotions. Oh, it drew attention alright, but it was not in favor of the LBH. I've also known of H's who would use the sad occasion to try and get closer to his W. In one case, the W used the support from her H, but then quickly tossed him when things settled down. The others didn't get anywhere. I believe in paying your respects and expressing sympathy to the family. Anything beyond that, is too much.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc., should not be celebrated with the person who no longer wants you in their life! Many wives who leave the M still wants the benefits that came from being that man's wife.........but she doesn't want the responsibility of being his W.

There will be all sorts of things that pop up, and you will wonder how to handle it. She no longer wants to be in a M with you. IMHO, going dark is the best route for you. You don't have to be a jerk, but you don't engage in activities you did as a couple.

While you are away from her, work hard on yourself. Find that man you use to be! Don't focus on her and what she's doing. She has to go through a process. It takes time. If you stay unavailable to her, she will eventually begin to miss you. She will hear through others what you are doing, where you are going, how you look, etc. she will even contact you sometimes. It's her way of keeping you hooked. She will throw you a few crumbs sometimes, as bait to keep you on her hook. Not that she wants you......but she wants to keep you where you are............pining for her and not having a life without her. She doesn't want you being happy without her. She doesn't want you to be interested in another woman. It's crazy. She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you.

The best thing you can do is learn to be self-reliant. Read books about co-dependency, building self-esteem, etc. You need space away from her, so you can reinvent Chris, the man. Look at this separation as time just for you. Do whatever you want, and enjoy it.

Just so you know, I am pro marriage. I don't want to sound as if I am promoting divorce.

Don't be afraid of it. She may go through with the divorce, but you are going to be better than ever. Don't give her the impression you are trying to cling to her. You can say that you don't see divorce as an answer, but you won't stand in her way....if that's what she wants.