As you know my H did a complete about turn on Sunday just gone and I haven't been on the board as trying to get private computer time with him and 2 kids in the house isn't easy. What I did, and I like to think it contributed to his complete change of heart if not made it completely was remove myself as his safe place completely. He has told me that even when with her and in the throws of it all there were many times when he wanted to call me or text me about something but couldn't because I wasn't available to him even as a friend any more. The holiday he had with OW made him realise he would have much rather been on holiday with me as I am his best friend or me and the kids.
I'm not trying to hijack but I think you have been far to nice and accommodating with her and you need to get out there and not treat her with contempt but do exactly as you say, kids and logistics of the kids and finances if required and that's it, keep it business like. But also and most importantly get out there and do things for you even if it's just visiting a friend. My H thought I was out partying regularly but really I was at friends houses some of the time, still having fun, sometimes talking about him and sitch and sometimes upset but he didn't know that and again he said it was killing him not knowing where I was, what I was doing or who with.
Take care SJ
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Mark, maybe look at it this way. I think it's fair to say that everything you've done up until now has not worked as far as bringing your W back. I don't think you've really seen any baby steps at all from her, correct? So in DB'ing parlance of "keep doing what works and don't do what doesn't work", enough time has passed to where you need to try something different. I think what a lot of us would like to see happen is for you to get sick and tired of your sitch and get angry enough to make some big changes. Honestly I am right there with 25, I would love for you to just go reclaim your damned house and tell your W that if she doesn't like it, tough crap. Tell her you're done seeing her act like a tramp in front of your kids, disrespecting herself and their father in the home that YOU helped create and you're not going to deal with it anymore, and if she doesn't like it then here's the number of your lawyer. We keep saying you can't "nice her back" and you keep saying you're not being nice to her, just cordial. But the very fact you're letting her carry on like this is classic nice guy syndrome doormat stuff, and it's not attractive.
I'm not saying to switch from being a nice guy to an ahole, I'm just saying stand up for yourself. She's trampled on you long enough!
It's time to step up and stop being the nice guy. Right now, I am pretty sure they are getting a good laugh at your expense. WS don't appreciate you leaving and allowing them to have the home.
I think we all understand your position. I really do. I just don't agree with it.
I have never seen a married man/father leave his own home and children, continue to pay for it AND with OM living in it with his kids still there.
And if you check, you 'll see that I've been around here awhile.
The baby steps you think you have seen are that your w is more civil with you.
To me, that's not really a baby step towards you - That's her getting comfy with the situation.
Is there a part of you that thinks you deserved this? I'm asking.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Cannot do anything about the home situation as again she can be forced out. We can live together again BUT not living that nightmare again for me or the boys.
Thanks.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Move back into the home. You are making this way to comfortable for your W. Get OM out of there. If W wants to be with OM bad enough, then she can move in with him. What was so bad about you two being in the same home?
I thank you for driving me towards making their R more difficult and agree I am making her life that much more easier BUT I have in the back of my mind my two sons faces and what they looked like when these conversations about the marital home/bed came about. I won’t put them through that again.
What life lessons do you suppose your sons are taking from "mommy got rid of our old daddy, and our new daddy moved in?"
Mark, your W had got to be the queen of cake-eating- she gets the family home, her sons, her OM and you paying her bills. You've got to assume your M is dead for at least as long as this continues. So let me ask you, what is your game plan moving forward? I am sure you don't want to continue down this path indefinitely, so what can you do differently?
