My husband filed for divorce

[LAJar]

Hi LAJar,

Just read your thread; ugh, this sounds really, really hard. I am sorry to read all this. It must be terribly painful! He is moving at lightening speed, has essentially abandoned his step-son, and is now pressuring you to take what money he offers you. Yikes, this guy is a bit off his rocker, isn't he! I am glad the other posters are here and imparting their wisdom. It is really hard to be in your sitch because he is so out of line, however he holds (or thinks he does) all the power and so you can only look at and change your part in this. I say this because while we can focus all day on you (as that is all you can do), clearly this guy has some big issues.

BluWave,

Thank you for your response. This forum has been truly a lifesaver.

Yes, unfortunately it feels like this is all moving too fast. He is out of line but just doesn't see it that way. He thinks he's being amicable and fair that he would offer a generous number, but based on what? Because it's only what he believes, the minute I go outside of that, he'll see it as vindictive because he no longer wants the marriage. I don't want him to think that, so that should prove I'm not being spiteful. I simply feel that he's cutting off this marriage that would have given me financial security, among other things, so why am I now not entitled to whatever is legal?

When this all happened, I couldn't shake the feeling that this was something much more like depression. I told him I was worried about him with the amount of rage he expressed. As I've begun to read up more on depression in men, much of it sounds so familiar, from again the rage, blame, sudden abandonment, all while trying to stop the unhappiness I have caused him. At this point, I would never even suggest depression to him. If that was the case, nothing I say will snap him out of this. If it isn't, I still have no control over his decisions. All I can do is control my response to him/his actions.

I don't have a ton of advice because I am not sure there is much you can do right now. He is on the war path, and so all you can do is step back and protect yourself.

I would not talk to him about D anymore or agree to any of his BS propositions. You are no dummy. Even if it feels to go against DB rules, protecting yourself and your finances always comes first.

He doesn't talk, he sends text, which is more infuriating. Things get lost in translation and I refuse to communicate like that about such important decisions. Although, I know even phone calls now are not a good idea. I need to detach, because as many decent days as I have, I have double the bad days. Any texts he sends are just about D & that upsets me, so I need to stop it.

It is okay to tell him firmly "H, I am not willing to discuss this right now." You honestly don't owe him more explanation than that. You have already told him that you don't want D and are willing to work on the M, so he now knows, and there is no reason to repeat it--anything more will be perceived as pursuing and will serve to only push him away.

As AS stated, when you "open the cage door" and they realize you won't stand in their way, sometimes they feel safe and back down a bit.

I think once I follow through with the attorney, he will see I am not stopping him. I'm not going to help, but I'm not stopping it and I will make decisions based on what he does. I don't know if that makes sense or is realistic, but I don't agree with the D.

I am glad you are seeing an IC that you like. You need support right now! Please continue to take time for you, lean on your trusted family and friends, and work on those 180 and GAL.

IC has helped. As I am intensely private, if I have begun to let others in my close circle know, it's because I know this is real. In the past, I told only my sister and kept everything a secret with the hope he'd return (he did). This time with the filing and subsequent rejection of MC, I know he's moving forward. My friends have stepped up in a big way & have reached out just to even check up on me. I'm slowly working on other GAL, things that are more for me and my self-improvement, but that's a slower process. Yes, I'm still young (43) but it's daunting to think about starting all over again - living alone, finding an apt. (no more house), and dating. He was my social life, as miserable as he claims he was, we spent all of our time together. We periodically went out separately, but the majority of our time was spent together and that's hard to no longer have that.

Sadly, these sitches can take a long, long time. Your H can try and expedite this and throw tantrums, but he is not above the law.

Sounds like he has a pattern of bottling up anger, lashing out, and running, and so know that those patterns in him will repeat themselves until he is willing to do the work and take a long hard look at himself.

Yes, this is exactly him with relationships - both ours and family. Last year not speaking to his father for 4-5 months because he thought he was creating boundaries, really wasn't a good idea. He spoke to his IC about this, but I don't think it was healthy because his sessions were not consistent and he wasn't truly working through those feelings. He said he was, but that wasn't the
case. He finally copped to not seeing his IC for 4 months (I still think it's longer) and who knows for how long before that. If he was, why wasn't he telling the IC his problems with me and wouldn't she have suggested MC or discussing issues with me? I'm rambling, but that doesn't matter now.

That is not your circus--and not your monkeys--and you just do your best to push him to the side right now and keep your focus on you.

I think continuing to go dark and avoid future meetings is your best bet right now. Let him initiate all communication. And when he does, I think you should only give him a couple minutes of your time--listen, validate, and exit. He is not safe for you emotionally right now and appears to be a ticking time bomb or trying to manipulate you to get his way. I also think it is okay for him to worry you are moving right along without him, I wouldn't want him to think he can treat you this way and then just walk back into your life.

Going dark - that's my plan. I feel like once I speak to a L, I'll have that guidance on how/what to communicate. He's done much more damage this time around, so if there was any interest to reconcile, it would come with a lot of IC and MC... if I could even get over this and trust him again.

It is hard to switch the power dynamic when someone walks out on you, but it can be done! Hold your head up high, know your worth, and you keep treating yourself (and allow friends/family to) the way you deserve! This guy is acting like a big jerk and so I am glad you are not pining over him and I wouldn't want him to think that either.

I'm trying. In my head, I know I will get through this. I've gotten through other bad relationships when I though all hope was gone (& found him actually), so I know I can do it again. Truth be told, I am pining over him at times, he just doesn't see it and I won't let him. I asked him to table, not pull the D, for a couple of months and see if we could work on things. He said, no the D is happening. Got my answer loud and clear and as you said, he knows where I stand and can reach out to me if he ever wanted to work on things. As for now, I know that's not happening and I am working to move on.

Again, thank you for your thoughtful comments. In these situations, you can't have too many ears to vent to, especially those with experience. It's a much different perspective.

Blu