I came home from work one day and my wife had left with my son and his passport to stay with some friends. I called her and did the usual -- plead, argue, etc.. Then cut off contact mostly.
After about three days I took a long, hard look in the mirror and did not like the man I had become. My wife had also left me a '50 things I love about you' letter she wrote me from 8 years back. I was not that man.
After 2.5 months I know I will be ok no matter what happens -- even if she takes all my money, 100% custody of our son, and I never see her again. God is with me. I prefer to have her in my life but I will be ok. I am not so sure about her or our son.
I currently have our son 4 nights a week and she has him 3. This was at her suggestion. She's now viewing this as me being inflexible, I can understand why though she is mistaken, and I think she is filing property/custody court orders because of this. It is very sad.
She has a history of DV and a pending hearing where the police applied for a protection order against her for me and my son. I have video of her freaking out, yelling, throwing things, and have email documentation of times she has hit me. She has also hit our son. She has mild depression and is on anti-depressants. She has a hard time working and typically works 8 hours a week at a minimum wage job.
She says she doesn't want to go to court but is skipping talking to me and mediation to do so. I am afraid it will not go well for her.
Up to this point what is in the best interest of our son and her I have felt have aligned so it has been 'easy' (haha) to do the right thing and give her space, financially support her, never criticise, condemn, or complain, validate her feelings (important regardless). However she is now going down a path that could actively hurt our sons future.
She has been not well for a few years. In many ways my life is better without her. I worked full time as management, as well as did all the grocery shopping, cooking, kitchen cleanup, meal planning, finances, 'normal' guys things like car maintenance, household maintenance. We had a cleaner to clean the house. She did the laundry. A normal schedule for me when I got home from work would be to clean up the kitchen from her use during the day, then cook a healthy dinner, then clean up the table/kitchen, then do bedtime routine with our son -- by which point she was tired and often already asleep.
I would often use our unequal contribution against her.
I support our separation. She did the right thing even though it was sudden. She probably did not feel like she could express her fears/worries to me, or like I would ever change. I do not think I would have seen how I was acting if she had brought it up to me. We were attending marriage counselling and both said things were getting better, but we missed the 'big items'.
We talk every night. We call our son to say goodnight and chat. Because he is not quite 4 we do this on speaker phone and often talk. There is a routine: First night son is at my house: She is cold and tries to ignore me. Every day after this she warms up, until the last night my son is at her house, she is very warm and we talk like we are best friends. Then repeat.
During exchange, we sometimes talk like we are best friends.
Things were slowly improving, until she filed. I asked her to delay and she considered it -- but decided to move ahead.
I have no anger for what she has done to me. Only to what she is doing to our son. She is not a good role model for him right now. He often asks me about her behaviour, and even tells her off about it ( kids are perceptive...)! Incredible.
My wife is the most kind and loving person I know. But she has been hurt so bad that she cannot see anything past herself now. She has taken up with a group of friends who have all recently left their husbands so I am worried she is getting bad advice that is not considering 6 months from now, 5 years from now, etc.
We are both from out of country and had talked about moving back 'home' if our parents got sick to care for them. If this proceeds we will be unable to.
Me: 36 W: 40 S: 4 Together 10 years, Married 8 BD and Seperation: 8 June 2017 Financial/Custody Filing by her: 25 Aug 2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Last night on the phone to my wife I got a bit upset in front of my son. Caught myself quickly. Called later and apologised as I was disrespectful -- only got voicemail.
My wife had previously indicated (not officially) she wants 90% email communication but now that lawyers are getting involved I said I will not be putting anything in writing.
Me: 36 W: 40 S: 4 Together 10 years, Married 8 BD and Seperation: 8 June 2017 Financial/Custody Filing by her: 25 Aug 2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Fizz, welcome to the boards. I am sorry you are here. I think the best place to start is in the HW links that Cadet sent you. When I was going through my sitch, I read them over and over again, because sometimes it takes time to sink in. Also if you haven't, order a copy of the book Divorce Remedy.
Reading your intro had me thinking about a few things. We are all here because our spouse recently left us, told us they wanted D, or we found out about an A, etc. So initially we are in shock and want our S back, and that can easily be the focus. However you are bringing up some major concerns; domestic violence must be addressed, and it sounds as if she has some sort of disabling depression. Would she agree with this or does she deny it? What would she say about you in terms of DV, have you participated too? I would be nervous to even advise you with this sort of history. Has your L been able to help with these aspects? Are you going to go for full custody of your S because of it?
Perhaps in terms of posting here, the best place to start is focusing on you. You mention that you are not that man in the letter anymore. What things have changed? What steps can you take to start doing your own personal 180s and GAL? We can't all save our Ms, we absolutely cannot save our S, but we can truly become the best version of our self. Then if they don't come back, we recognize it is their loss.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
The DV wasn't that bad -- it was NOT acceptable and one of the big problems was my wife had a hard time admitting that it wasn't, she blamed it on me. It wasn't abusive, it never just happened as I came home. Typically it occurred when my wife would try to 'get away' from one of our fights and lock herself in a bathroom.
My mother killed herself in a bathroom from depression, so i couldn't leave her in there. So i would open the door, and she was hit me to get away from me. Very much 'self defence' but still not excusable. Just a bad situation all around.
Her depression wouldn't be that extreme compared to others I've seen.
The biggest changes in myself are identifying my own pride, putting aside my own wants and ego, self rationalisations, identifying that I DO have blind spots and am not perfect, and asking others for honest feedback on my problems.
Right now I am struggling with how I approach the legal situation. I have a fair amount of evidence of DV, poor behaviour, not quite with it, and am experience in legal matters. It is unlikely my wife will get what she wants out of this but I might hurt her so bad because of it. So I question: Is that what is best for her? For our son?
I read the boundary threads and think about putting up boundaries, and after a few hours realise the boundaries I'm thinking about are not actually to protect me, but to hurt her.
Some of my friends advise me to look out for myself out of 'self care'. But once we are OK with the world and ourselves -- surrender to it -- then that IS self-care.
I am a completely different father because of this. It's incredible. I can see it every day I'm with my son. Our bond has grown leaps and bounds.
Frankly, this is the best thing that ever happened to me. But it doesn't mean I think continuing as a separated family is what is best.
Me: 36 W: 40 S: 4 Together 10 years, Married 8 BD and Seperation: 8 June 2017 Financial/Custody Filing by her: 25 Aug 2017
I don't think the DV would ever happen again. I'm also working with a therapist and working on de-escalation and defusing things. It's something I was very good at 10+ years ago when i used to work with street people with addiction/mental problems.
Me: 36 W: 40 S: 4 Together 10 years, Married 8 BD and Seperation: 8 June 2017 Financial/Custody Filing by her: 25 Aug 2017
Wait for the information from my lawyer with what my W wants.
Working on a letter to try to get her to hold off -- yes it's a bit of pursuit, but the opposite, do thing, is to talk through lawyers. Will have to get my lawyer to review the letter.
Have also thought about approaching some of her friends that will be on 'her side' but I still believe would try to give her good advice. Also against DB...
The goal is not to bring her back at this point, just to get things quiet again. Depending on the legal proposal maybe I could just accept it and settle too to get quiet.
Me: 36 W: 40 S: 4 Together 10 years, Married 8 BD and Seperation: 8 June 2017 Financial/Custody Filing by her: 25 Aug 2017
