Leah, part 4

[leahsue]

Well, not sure where to begin......

Treasur- you nailed it when you said I'd be emotionally exhausted. I am feelings things down straight into my bones that I can't even identify.

The good things- it was easy, it felt natural, there were a lot of hard conversations, but I'm pretty certain when I say that we both were right where we wanted to be, for that week. He didn't say all the things I guess I wish he had said, but OTOH, he said some things I totally wasn't expecting. I'm still sorting through things in my head. I don't know what either of us thinks the future will look like, but I'm sure that he expects a future with us together, maybe more so than I. I'm convinced that the months apart weren't all about me, or even OW, but more about things in him. Those things were by-products, albeit hurtful ones. He did not want to leave, and (as I type this I'm even surprised that this next part is true)- I was ready for him to leave. I'm not sure why. Maybe b/c I knew it couldn't last, not like the kind of vacation it felt like, and I knew I would miss him when he left, but also a part of me realized that I LIKE living alone, SOMETIMES. Like I said, I'm still very confused about some of the feelings I had during the week, and looking forward to sorting some more this next week with IC.
The bad things- I feel an emptiness about the future because my feelings for him were brought back with such force. I didn't expect that. I thought I could be easy and fun, with no expectations, and I PULLED THAT OFF. I'm 100% sure of that. But some of that was "acting AS IF"..... and since that does not always ring true to our inner selves, I've had some separation pain that I wasn't looking to feel. Today is better than yesterday, but I had a lot of tears yesterday. I am going to double up on my GAL these next few weeks. That's all that takes this lonely for him away. But the GOOD THING about all this ^ bad part- he has no idea. The day he left, he knew I had plans to go out that night to a happy hour. He heard me on the phone making plans. He kept hinting about who it was, etc., but I was very mysterious and just said going to happy hour. He said are you taking an Uber and I said no getting picked up. So when I dropped him off at the airport he called about 5 minutes later to say what a great week..... etc. Then at his layover, he called but I was out. Then he texted a few times and I could tell by the tone that he was drinking while waiting on his next flight, b/c it turned from all sweet to, oh so I know you're out having fun tonight, I wish I was still there, well, you have fun and be careful...... then called two more times, then texted again. I never answered any of them until yesterday morning and said, I told you I was going out, I did not have my phone, and where I go is no longer your issue. I had a great time with you, but life goes on.... something like that. Nice, but he got the point. He called last night and apologized. So that's where we are- no promises from either of us about the future, but he adamantly said he does not want a divorce, and asked for more time before I decide to file. Neither of us committed to marriage, but neither committed to divorce yet either. There's no doubt we love each other. I guess we just both have to decide what we want individually, then see if we can make it work so that we both reach our individual goals.
When I start to feel sad or miss him, I remember that he does not know I'm feeling that way, nor should he, and that empowers me to continue to GAL, detach from the outcome, and enjoy every single day that I've been given.
(He just texted me and said "I wish I was there.") As long as the tables stay turned that way, I think I'm OK for now.