I have been taking so many classes and going out. I'm having a ball. I am glad to read this! I know it is easy for me to sit here and say this--when I have the H that returned to the M--but for me, the most valuable thing that I have gained in my sitch, is that I am perfectly okay without him. I can still enjoy life and all it has to offer with or without this man. Let this be a lesson for us all as we work hard to 180 and GAL for ourselves. Cheers to that (I am raising my glass)!

I hear your frustration and it makes sense. How much longer can you apologize and take the blame? That, only you can answer, but I still think it is early in your sitch. Your H seems to be sitting on the fence and may be for some time. I mean, if he didn't care for you or wasn't second-guessing himself, then why would he keep bringing things up? You cannot prevent him from leaving and you cannot force him to see things your way, even if he is delusional and one-sided in his views. But you can control your response to him.

What you can do, is what 25 says, and that is to acknowledge what he is saying and validate his feelings. Remember, it is not the admission of guilt, but it is you letting him know that you hear him and that you care for him. Please really take this in.

My H naturally does the validation piece. There have been times in the last few years that I have been so worked up and aiming fire left and right. He just listens, nods, doesn't disagree, and then apologizes. It's like he is removing all my ammunition and there is nothing to fire--I can't even argue with him! And I hate to admit it, but it works, and it forces me to see his softer side. It also forces me to see that he has changed. When people don't take the bait, things diffuse naturally, or we just feel foolish being angry/upset. Luckily, we don't argue much anymore and I can safely just let him know how I feel now without blaming.

This might be a long process for your H. This is going to be a huge test of your patience, no doubt! And if you guys can get over this hump, it will not stay this way forever. If and when he is willing to recommit to the M, he will also have to look at his part too. Right now tho, you are waiting for that. You are the one that wants the M, so you are in the lower position :-( Trust me, that script will most likely flip one day.

I think that he is still wanting to place blame on you suggests that he is trying to justify his choices. I think whenever you validate him, you are making it that much harder for him. So hang in there and keep up the good work!

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela