Not sure what else to do

[Jmstl]

Jmstl,

I'm glad you've been able to work on your issues. I was a bit skeptical of the efficacy of counseling, at least over a relatively short period of time. I was pleasantly surprised. A good psychologist can make a big impact relatively quickly. In fact, I believe if I hadn't found my MC/IC I would still be wallowing in a cesspool of pain.

To be honest, she was not the first counselor. She was in fact, my third, since we were together. I realized the other two were not working, and went out and thoroughly scrutinized each one I was interested in, called to talk to them, and get their general strategies and proceeded from there.

[Jmstl]

Here is a question. Does pursuing have to be emotional in nature? My wife is a dominant personality. She says she wants me to step up and lead, but then always does things herself.

I got this in a larger email earlier.

Does X have your correct card information for payments, and are the dates she has still ok with your schedule?

So either she is just being polite and concerned, or she doesn't trust me.

I already have this situation taken care of.

Also, last night, I got this.

The other thing I wanted to say was "Make sure to remember to pack an afternoon snack for D"

My response was simply "I do remember", to which she said "Ok, well I forgot, so I was just sharing"

I am trying my damnedest to detach. I can't tell if she is trying to eat cake or what.

What do you all think?

[Jmstl]

I am afraid if I detach too much she will think I just don't care and will justify to herself that leaving was the right thing to do.

[Jim1234]

Two things... I'd call the credit card company and make sure you inform them that you will not be responsible for any further purchases made with joint cards. Get something in writing (an email) clarifying how you are dividing the debt, because, otherwise, if you pay down your half of the debt, you might be stuck with half of the rest of it, too.

We had two credit cards, with about $28K total debt, $20K on one, $8K on the other; I got a new card, and and let the existing CC companies know I would not be liable for any additional purchases. I sent an email to the W saying I would like to use our tax return to pay down the cards so there was an equal balance on each, and suggested she continue to use one existing card and pay off the new existing balance, and we close out the other, and I would pay off the new existing balance on that one. She emailed back saying that was a good idea. Now the balance on each is about $4K, with the pauper's share going to the card she was going to retain. She apparently misunderstood, and thought we were going to split the tax return in half, and she'd be left debt free on her card, and I'd still be stuck with $12K of debt on the other one. Only having her agreement in writing prevented it from being contested in court.

The other thing you have to remember is "time is your friend." You may reconcile and rebuild your marriage. But you will never get your marriage back again if you keep up the pursuit.
How has that worked out for you so far? All you are doing is driving her further away. It's time to do something different. She needs time and distance to remember why she loved you. It's so hard. We're all going thru the same hurt, and we can all relate.

[Jmstl]

Time does not seem to be my friend when I am staring down the barrell of divorce in a month.

That said, tonight was a good night. I got dressed up, and went out. I relaxed for a few hours at my favorite brewery and kicked my boots up. Even had the courage to make quit small talk with a lady sitting near me about her dog. The stbx messaged about our son calling his penis a wee wee. I should not have responded probably, but just said our baby is growing up.

As far as pursuing, from what I can tell, it just expedited her decision to divorce. So now she has all her space and time. Nothing I can do about that. At least I can regain my dignity.

[Jmstl]

I feel like she is completely trying to purge me from my life. There are no pictures of me, save for the chromecast rotation, so the kids can see it. She removed me from some social media. I haven't said anything, but it does remind me of a few weeks ago when she said she had to remove some pics because it was painful to look at. How she would see a pic and think how sexy I looked in that shirt. REALLY? You left ME.

[Jmstl]

Last night was a fun departure from my usual routine.
With the house sold, I actually have free time, and no longer have a great weight on my shoulders. GALing was fun. Way out of my comfort zone, but I forced myself to do it.

Had a dream last night that W had a change of heart. I woke up sad, because it was just a dream. Trying to shake it off.

Looking forward to receiving $$ from house sale. Want to take up kickboxing, but W does kickboxing too. Can do classes on different days, but concerned how it would look. Will W think I am just copying? I don't need to tell her. I'm sure other gymmates will, though.

Trying to detach, and not let her thoughts on the situation control me.

[Jim1234]

I know it feels like time is your enemy, but remember, how can she miss you if you never go away?

Personally, I'd pass on the kickboxing right now. She WILL definitively see that as pursuing, and it's HER perception that matters at this point.

[Jmstl]

I know it feels like time is your enemy, but remember, how can she miss you if you never go away?

Personally, I'd pass on the kickboxing right now. She WILL definitively see that as pursuing, and it's HER perception that matters at this point.

I could take kickboxing at a different gym, but since my daughter is already enrolled there, I would get a discount. I do understand the perception, however. On the other hand, why should I let that stand in the way of me doing something /I/ want to do?

[Jmstl]

I got paid from the sale of the house this morning.
Already got some bills paid. Feels so good.