Not sure what else to do

[Jmstl]

Hey thanks for the great advice.

I have definitely started following it. I have initiated no contact with her, I am going out tonight for the first time in forever. I have lost almost 20 lbs.

I read through the pursuer and distancer post, and just last night, she sent me a message saying "I wanted to say, don't forget to pack an afternoon snack for our D". I simply responded "I do remember". To me, this let her know that I don't need her trying to still control my actions, when she left, and that if she wants me to thrive, I have to do that on my own.

I can tell she feels extremely guilty about what she is doing. I have never tried to make her feel guilty or say she was guilty. I simply would say "I can understand why you would feel that way"

I basically did all of the wrong things when she first moved out (Pursuing, talking to friends, etc) Now I am basically trying to go dark.

We closed on selling our house last night. The agent asked where we wanted the money to go, and she said to our joint (We are going to pay off some loans with the profits) I said nope, 50% is going into MY account straight off the bat. Her jaw just dropped. She is not used to me standing up for myself, and I finally started to, and I think she will realize I always appeased her, not to be a pushover, but to be a partner. Now that she is out of the picture, I am living MY life, and while she wants me to succeed, I don't think she will be happy to see me move on, even after telling me for months I needed to.

[Jmstl]

She's clearly confused and probably going through a lot of turmoil right now, and that is actually normal for a WAS. You have to give her time and space and work on yourself. You do have a good shot at recon, but it's going to take much longer than you're probably expecting. You need a ton of patience.

She said she is going to be hurting for years. She said there is ABSOLUTELY no way she will ever change her mind. Do you REALLY think there is a chance at recon, or is that giving me false hope?

That's actually OK, often a WAS needs separation to work things through and feel like there's no pressure.

I feel that the separation gave her more time to decide to NOT try to save the marriage. I guess more of the same can't make things worse at this point.

Again this is very typical. Read the thread on validation, you need to give her validation whenever she says things like this. Validation is NOT explaining/ reasoning/ arguing/ convincing/ defending it's simply seeking to understand her feelings and acknowledge them.

I did seek to understand her feelings. When I would ask for clarification, such as "You say that we are not compatible, can you elaborate and be specific on what issues we are not compatible about" she would just say "You should already know".

You need to remove all pressure from her. No pastors intervening, no marriage counseling, no long talks about how things will be better, no talking to her friends and family and asking them to "have a talk" with her. None of that. Pull back, give her time and space.

Sadly, I did all of this. I think this made it worse and expedited her wanting a divorce.

It's far too soon to expect anything to change. PATIENCE. The D may very well have to go through, but that doesn't mean it's over.

Yeah we have children, so we will be around each other forever.

Yeah that was a very passive/aggressive thing to do. If you felt you needed to confront her then confront her, don't throw out sarcastic comments expecting anything good to come of it.

It was, which was why I apologized the next day. Not for my /feelings/ but for my /actions/

That is all very true. But there is nothing YOU can do about it except give her time and space and make yourself the best -you- that you can be.

Right. I have realized that. I can only control ME!

Yes, remove all pressure. Follow the DB'ing guidelines- get out, GAL, dress better, get in the best shape of your life, focus on your kids, leave her alone. Make yourself attractive again. Desperate and needy is NOT attractive!

Working on this right now.

[Btrow]

She said she is going to be hurting for years. She said there is ABSOLUTELY no way she will ever change her mind. Do you REALLY think there is a chance at recon, or is that giving me false hope?

They all say that. Well, at least I hope they all say that cause leaving an inch of hope is an awful thing to do. But people still get back together. I'm not saying that you two will, but her feelings right now may not be the same a year or two from now.

[Cadet]

She said she is going to be hurting for years. She said there is ABSOLUTELY no way she will ever change her mind. Do you REALLY think there is a chance at recon, or is that giving me false hope?

They all say that. Well, at least I hope they all say that cause leaving an inch of hope is an awful thing to do. But people still get back together. I'm not saying that you two will, but her feelings right now may not be the same a year or two from now.

Yes and the other thing is when we all get married no one thinks anything will ever change and we will get divorced.

So she changed her mind to get to this point what makes you think she will never change her mind again.

Most people regret getting divorced.
That is a fact!
How long it takes to get to that point is another question.

[Jmstl]

She said she is going to be hurting for years. She said there is ABSOLUTELY no way she will ever change her mind. Do you REALLY think there is a chance at recon, or is that giving me false hope?

They all say that. Well, at least I hope they all say that cause leaving an inch of hope is an awful thing to do. But people still get back together. I'm not saying that you two will, but her feelings right now may not be the same a year or two from now.

Yes and the other thing is when we all get married no one thinks anything will ever change and we will get divorced.

So she changed her mind to get to this point what makes you think she will never change her mind again.

Most people regret getting divorced.
That is a fact!
How long it takes to get to that point is another question.

Thanks, Cadet. That is a small ray of hope in this situation. I am not counting or expecting it (you did say after all to lower my expectations), but I do hope that within a year she will change her mind.

[Maika]

She said she is going to be hurting for years. She said there is ABSOLUTELY no way she will ever change her mind. Do you REALLY think there is a chance at recon, or is that giving me false hope?

My W said that to and I think that was to not give a shred of hope to the LBS. She was also in the midst of her overwhelming feelings and so didn't see any way out of it. Just remove pressure and don't worry about timelines. Hopefully she can go to see a counselor. But don't push that - I suggested it to my W twice and then dropped it. I am going to see a counselor myself.

I feel that the separation gave her more time to decide to NOT try to save the marriage. I guess more of the same can't make things worse at this point

You really don't know that - you're trying to mind read or make some sense out of it. My W did rushed the whole separation thing because she is impatient, and also wanted to just get out of whatever situation she thought we were in. The physical separation is actually a good thing IMHO - gives both time and space to breathe. Let her ride out the S for a few months and let that reality sink in. Trust me she'll feel differently at some point, even if she doesn't tell you that.

I did seek to understand her feelings. When I would ask for clarification, such as "You say that we are not compatible, can you elaborate and be specific on what issues we are not compatible about" she would just say "You should already know".

Don't ask for clarifications right now - it comes off as pursuing. If she says we're not compatible, just validate her feelings - use Wonka's cheat sheet. If you don't agree with her sentiment, you can still validate her using careful language so that she sees you understand her but don't agree.

It was, which was why I apologized the next day. Not for my /feelings/ but for my /actions

Good. Don't be passive aggressive or sarcastic. If you need to say something, come here and post it and let the vets give you some advice. AS told me that I need to drink a cool frosty glass of STFU when I felt like saying something - really good advice.

Right. I have realized that. I can only control ME

You got it!!! Do that. Figure out what you need. Get help. Get a counselor if possible. Go out and GAL and learn more about yourself and what kind of person you want to be. Not for her. For you.

[Jmstl]

Thanks. I do actually go see a psycologist to work through my emotional issues. I have become much more assertive, and emotionally available through this process.

[doodler]

Thanks. I do actually go see a psycologist to work through my emotional issues. I have become much more assertive, and emotionally available through this process.

Jmstl,

I'm glad you've been able to work on your issues. I was a bit skeptical of the efficacy of counseling, at least over a relatively short period of time. I was pleasantly surprised. A good psychologist can make a big impact relatively quickly. In fact, I believe if I hadn't found my MC/IC I would still be wallowing in a cesspool of pain.

[Jmstl]

So, I did not want to initiate contact with her, but I had to message her this morning and ask when she would put the credit card in her name only. She said she did not intend to do that. She intended to just pay it off and close it (Which, imo would be dumb, because that would hurt her credit).

She then followed that up with an email saying she would make regular payments on the loans (uh...we said we were paying them off) and the CC, which were her responsibility.

I am so glad I have 1/2 of the money straight to me. If she is not going to pay her half, and just make regular payments, then I am not going to pay anything as they are her responsibility. But I do NOT like that my name will be on these loans and the CC. As long as she pays it regularly, it would be good for my credit, but I would rather have worse credit, than take the risk.

My half of the loan payment is reciprocal, imo. I agreed to do it, and if she sticks to her word I will pay half. But I sure as hell am not going to pay half the loans off, then not have her pay half. That would just be shooting myself in the foot financially.

[Maika]

I will echo doodler here too. I think what has helped me significantly has been my IC and this forum. My IC has been especially good and without her help, I would still be lying on the floor miserable.