Our marriage has had issues for years, with her saying she felt trapped or thought we should separate, but the next day would email and say how much she loved our life. In fact she told me she loved our life 3 days before saying we needed to separate.
She's clearly confused and probably going through a lot of turmoil right now, and that is actually normal for a WAS. You have to give her time and space and work on yourself. You do have a good shot at recon, but it's going to take much longer than you're probably expecting. You need a ton of patience.
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A week later, she said she did not want me moving into the apartment she got, after the house sold. The day I moved in, she told my daughter, I cant wait for the house to sell so daddy can move in and we can be a family. 2 weeks into her moving out, she said she did not want to try.
That's actually OK, often a WAS needs separation to work things through and feel like there's no pressure.
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She said she felt she could breathe again. She was enjoying time to herself. She said that I could not give her what she needs (loving and nurturing, motivated. She said if I was, why did it take so long? It was too late)
Again this is very typical. Read the thread on validation, you need to give her validation whenever she says things like this. Validation is NOT explaining/ reasoning/ arguing/ convincing/ defending it's simply seeking to understand her feelings and acknowledge them.
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She agreed to meet our pastor, and at that meeting he asked if she wanted me to be her husband anymore, and she said no.
You need to remove all pressure from her. No pastors intervening, no marriage counseling, no long talks about how things will be better, no talking to her friends and family and asking them to "have a talk" with her. None of that. Pull back, give her time and space.
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A few days later, I was invited for Coffee on Sunday. I thought something might have changed. Nope, she handed me the papers. She is trying to be very conciliatory, because she feels really guilty, but says she has been unhappy for years, but I never did anything to change myself.
It's far too soon to expect anything to change. PATIENCE. The D may very well have to go through, but that doesn't mean it's over.
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As she walked out the door, I said have fun on Tinder. She was not happy. Said it was rude and disrespectful, and how did I even know.
Yeah that was a very passive/aggressive thing to do. If you felt you needed to confront her then confront her, don't throw out sarcastic comments expecting anything good to come of it.
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We still don’t have a hearing for our divorce. She said her mistake was asking for separation instead of divorce. She says nothing can ever make her change her mind. But I /KNOW/ my wife, and know there is conflict inside her. I /KNOW/ she doesn’t believe in divorce and that this is very hard on her.
That is all very true. But there is nothing YOU can do about it except give her time and space and make yourself the best -you- that you can be.
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Is there anything that I can do at this point to make her see what she will be missing?
Yes, remove all pressure. Follow the DB'ing guidelines- get out, GAL, dress better, get in the best shape of your life, focus on your kids, leave her alone. Make yourself attractive again. Desperate and needy is NOT attractive!
