So, one of my friends has just had a baby and posted about going to register the birth on FB.
She's been with her partner for 13 years and they already have two children together.
Because they aren't married, she has to say that she was a single mother when she went to register the birth (which has to be done within 21 days of the child being born in this country). Understandably, she was really upset. And she got even more upset when she questioned it, and was told pretty sternly that there was 'no other option'.
It got me thinking...I checked back to when STBXH first got in touch about the D. It goes back to the start of May, a few weeks (or there about) after the birth of his child to OW.
Funnily enough, about a week before STBXH got in touch with me, I'd posted a picture of a short holiday I went on for a few days with the wonderful man I've been seeing, and I tagged him in it too. The picture wasn't of us, just of some blue skies and palm trees. And there wasn't even any sort of 'having an amazing time' type comment.
I originally thought that STBXH had got in touch about the D because he'd seen the post. But now I'm thinking that it may well have been because of the first thing I posted about. I think that I was maybe giving myself too much credit in his eyes, and that my existence is completely and utterly irrelevant to him.
I'll never know. And it doesn't even really matter. It is what it is, as they say. And I'm fine with that.
All in all, and carrying on from my previous post...I feel so much better in myself, so much stronger and more solid. The effort of having to drive my life forwards, my business and my work, feels phenomenal (as it, it's a massive effort). But I'm sure that it will pay off, so I'm not worried about that. I like having the focus it gives me as well.
I feel like I can finally start to lift my head up and look to the future, start making some plans. I don't feel so afraid any more. And any time I start to feel a little frightened I remind myself of all the things I've done to cope over the past couple of years and the journey I've been on...how I felt when I dipped my toe in the water to try and deal with it all, the effect it had, and how I feel about it now, looking back.
Those first few dates I went on? When was it, January 2016? When I was absolutely terrified, and then weirdly elated that I'd managed to actually go through with going out with someone for an evening for a drink, and then also that I'd managed to kiss someone else that hadn't been my H (and I had been one of those totally faithful spouses, that hadn't even cracked a look in the direction of someone else for the entire time I'd been together with my H...18 years). And that I felt OK about it, and also at the same time I remember I felt incredibly disappointed at the dates I was going on...none of the men that I met felt quite good enough for me to contemplate being with: too negative, too needy, or dull, and overweight, smokers, heavy drinkers, closed off, too distant. I managed to navigate all of that OK, and come out not feeling any more bruised and broken than I had been. Better than that, II managed to take all the positives that I could from some of those not very nice experiences.
Possibly so self reflective and introspective because it's coming up for two years...
