It's sad what your stbxh has done to his relationship with the kids. I agree with not piling on but allowing them to have their feelings. You're lucky that your kids see it now; mine all came to their awareness gradually over time.
that ^^^would have felt really bad. He11, I feel bad for them anyhow, but if I were the target of their anger it would wound me deeply. It's not as if we are all singing songs (they are very different politically), but there is a core bond.
As for your daughter - narcissists only value their children if they're making them look good. Kids who look less than perfect - mental health issues, gender or sexual orientation issues, obesity, lack of success - are not valued. I have thought about this^^^. Shame on him (oh wait, that's not possible as he is literally shameless). My kids are smart, hilarious, kind people and the older two graduated from college w/honors, as will d20. They are popular with their friends and warm in person. They are loved and loving.
But I think the sexual orientation embarrasses h. (Scoffing noises from me now...)
One of my kids recently told me he feels replaced by friends kids ( beautiful, successful) that his father is paying more attention to than his own kids. And they fall for his narcissist charm, think he's "so cool", without knowing all the ways he has abandoned his own kids.
Oh yeah - I see this^^. I pretty much assume H has a replacement family & basks in the glory of his greatness.
AND OR he simply doesn't value our kids/marriage/family the same as I do. Obviously and missing us or our history or just time with the kids is NOT Likely to be a big deal to him, or at least not anything I'll hear about.
If we were priorities to him, he would not have been gone for 3/4 of the last decade.
I hid from this^^ reality for too long. I'm not as torn up about it though. I'm more thinking "what an idiot, his loss"...and shrugging. Today I'm in a good place.
The fact that your kids are pulling together to support D20 is great.
Yes it really is. Thanks.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
