W is still on her European vacation. No contact from her in over 24 hours - Woot!! The little contact there has been was about the kids and their first day at school. She did text me 2 days ago saying she wasn't feeling well and was calling it an early night by staying in her hotel room. I didn't respond. Did she expect sympathy from me?
She skyped with S10 and I could barely stand to be in the same room as her voice. If she decided to just never come back I'd honestly be thrilled.
FIL is in town and asked me and my boys to meet him for dinner last night. I went for their sake. No talk of anything related to W or the D. I don't really have anything against the guy, but it's just an awkward reminder of the life we're leaving behind.
S10 said W mentioned taking him and S14 on a vacation to Italy, and the thought of the her and my sons having a good time together just really bothered me. (She and I were supposed to go about 4 years back, but an auto accident intervened.) Don't get me wrong, I want my boys to enjoy life, but I'm not at a place right now where I can wish her happiness. At all. So for some reason, the whole Italy thing put me in a foul mood the rest of the night.
Last night I did some reading before bed (just finished the NG book and started the codependency book). Then I decided to have a conversation with God. If you've been following my sitch, you'll remember I've basically become an athiest over the years, but turned to God after BD to help me get through the sitch.
Well, I guess I didn't have much of anything positive to say to God last night. I told him this was a real cruel joke. I totally bought into the whole "marriage, commitment, loyalty" thing, and now I find myself in this miserable mess. And my kids are mixed up in this mess too. I could handle God putting me in this sitch, but doing it to my kids too is just too much for me. So now I'm back to believing that maybe God's not there after all. Hope that doesn't rub anyone here the wrong way - I just need to vent.
I'm feeling so much anger toward W right now. I know this is just a phase I'm going through. But I feel like I don't really have a constructive way to use this anger. Other than screaming when I'm driving alone, there's no place for the emotion to go. With the kids starting school and W away, my workout opportunities are limited. Any suggestions?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
