A familiar story with questions. II

[sandi2]

The only caveat is that "dumping" your wife is not to be done rudely or in a curt manner. Nothing like that.

I completely agree.

All this talk about a silver bullet...where does it come from? I don't remember saying it.
Shoot, I just try stuff and see if it works. Just like it says in the book.

It comes from years of observation. It doesn't take long to see a LBH trying, whatever he picks up from the board, to snap his W out of her fog. I understand that the reason you are here is to save your M. I understand you are anxious to try anything, if it works in bringing your W back from insanity. Now, something else usually goes along with the H trying various things. He doesn't give it sufficient time........and it either complicates the sitch worse......or he shoots himself in the foot and basically scr@ws up something that could have really worked well in saving his M.

I know a newcomer has a ton of information coming at him. Many newcomers get confused about some of the terms, such as "detach, GAL, boundaries, 180's, go dark, drop the rope", etc. The most common thing I see in newcomer H is that he doesn't take sufficient time in really studying some of these thing. Even the page Cadet sends with his initial post is often skipped over. IMHO, newcomers need to just absorb the information, before they jump into something with both feet........b/c chances are, they don't quite understand it completely. I'll use an example that many newcomers do: setting a boundary before they even understand the principle. We've seen people back themselves into a corner and not know how to get out of it. See what I mean?

So, back to you. I saw you using words like distant/pursuit, going dark, dumping, experiencing potential loss, etc. If I understand correctly, this was all within a seven day period? And now, you are saying you have a new, sweet wife. You say you know her best, (and of course, you do). I am trying to figure out where you are in your sitch. I would like to help, and I would like to be able to protect you from an inevitable let down.

I said I may have let my guard down too soon.

I think most everything you said to her over that week (starting with your threat, and ending with the above quote), was to get a reaction from her. This is another pitfall for many newcomers. Sometimes it can be effective, but other times it can go against you. Take the quote above, for instance. It sounds controlling, IMHO, and I think you wanted to see how she would react. Would she assure you that you had nothing to worry about, or would she cry and plead with you, would she beg for your forgiveness? Well, she did not say any of those things.........so now, you are left a little in the dark.

When I see a dramatic change, I bring it here and bounce it off you folks. I never expected any quick fix.

Okay, that's good to bring it here, b/c we can tell you what it means..........if we are familiar with seeing the same scenario played out in other sitches.

Either I am doing a terrible job of explaining my actions or I am a real piece of crap.

No, you are not a POC. I, too, feel that I often do a terrible job of communication. I speak very candidly........and with quite a bit of passion........and some people read it as me being harsh. What bothers me the most, however, is for someone to misunderstand what I'm trying to explain. So with that in mind..........maybe we can take a deep breath and start from here and go forward. Please ask questions if you do not thoroughly understand something from me, b/c my fingers can't type as fast as my thoughts......so I could leave out details.

So, you have seen a "dramatic change" in your W, and you feel it is due to the things that were said last weekend. Is that correct? This is where I will start with my next post. I want you to be prepared, in case she pulls back. Don't react to it.