Limerence and My Situation Pt3

[BluWave]

What I've read during my sitch, most of the WWs do not go back to the M if their XH is like you are explaining here. Because that isn't attractive at all.

I completely agree with lcause and this seems to be a common mistake made by the LBH with a WW, and especially by the NGs! They seem to think that if they are nice, friendly, and safe that some day their WW will "wake up," "start seeing things clearly" or "come to their senses" and return to the M. THEY FALSELY THINK THIS MAKES THEM THE BETTER OPTION. I have been reading here for 3 plus years and I can't think of one example where that has happened. There is another poster--I think his name is Chris73--where he challenges the ideas around DB and attempts this friendly approach for some time. Unfortunately, it does not work. WWs do not respect being allowed to walk all over their H and then watching them try and nice them back into the M. It's not human nature to be attracted to someone that is weak and needy.

There are several vets that have been here and seen it all--Sandi, Cadet, Starsky, 25mlc, AnotherStander, to name a few--and there advice is invaluable! I know it is so hard to change the way you see your sitch, but the reality is that when anyone is in a crisis, they cannot see their sitch objectively, it's impossible, because there are emotions tied to it and the person is invested in the outcome. So Mark, please trust that the posters here are only telling you what they know to be true because they want to help you. They are telling you that the approach you are taking will not get you the outcome you desire. I am not a vet--I have been reading here just over 3 years--but I can share with you what worked in my sitch. I will also tell you that the advice here (a lot of which was too hard for me to take) was right on target.

Blu do you feel he chose HER or the fantasy?

I personally feel that he chose the fantasy. Why? Because that makes ME FEEL BETTER, and it makes it easier to forgive him. The reality tho is that it doesn't make a difference. He chose her and he chose the fantasy, but more so than that he left me and our M for a long time. He was physically gone from the M and our home for 10 months and he was engaging in some type of EA for about 8 months before that. Some here say that the A has to go out into the real world and die a natural death and according to you it eventually will. I think that is a fair assessment. As much as it hurts me to admit, limerance or not, he did think that he loved her, he did like how she made him feel about himself, and he did leave the M for her. If there is something that I want you to take away from my answer it would be that it is really not our position to ascribe meaning of the A for them and we really can't because we are not them. Also, it works against us because as we cloud the importance of reality, we prevent ourselves from experiencing it (the reality of our sitch) and the much needed grief that comes after acceptance. I think it is so painful that we put up a wall and then use words like--MLC, fog, alien, limerance, etc, because to us it feels less real that way. Not accepting what is really happening does not help us but serves to only make rationalizations for their behavior.

What did you change that led you to piecing with your WH? Did he just come back or was it a mixture of DR’ing and a pleasant demeanour towards him?

If you read my sitch you will see that I was the worst DBer (maybe in history); I came here and read every day and then couldn't seem to apply the principles. I was rarely, if ever, pleasant because I was furious and devastated! The way that I failed was that I showed him my most vulnerable self--if I was angry I lashed out, if I was sad/needy I told him, and I tried various methods of persuasion. It wouldn't work, I would feel ashamed, and then I would go back to stonewalling him and punishing him. He would send me emails about the kids and their weekend together and I would ignore him. I played hard on his guilty conscious because I knew he was suffering being a cheater and a classic NG. I mean I could go on and on.

I finally got to a point where I realized I was only torturing myself. Even though I was getting better and better at "following the rules," 180s, and GAL, I was doing it to show him and not to feel better and move on without him. People are very, very intuitive and I am sure he sensed the change. I allowed myself to accept that I am simply too good to be waiting around for someone that could cheat and walk out on their family. Basically I found my balls (or whatever women find. lol) I finally dropped the rope--and I mean let go--and he somehow immediately noticed.

Simultaneously, their A was fizzling out. The reality of the A was not what he wanted. Way too much to write about here! So the combo of the limerance (or whatever) wearing out and me finally dropping the rope, had a huge impact on him and he did a sharp 180, ended the A, and practically begged me to take him back. ... Here is the part that kinda svcks for you guys tho; I don;t think it was anything I did or could control that brought him back. I think he would have come back anyhow. We have pretty much talked about everything in the last 2.5 years and this guy was hurting, confused, a suffocated and desperate NG who had no idea how to navigate a long M with kids, and he bailed, but in his heart he really always wanted his M and family back.

Here is what I do think would have made a difference in my sitch: if I had known about DB before BD. If I had read the book, been reading here, been following the rules, the 180s, the GAL, for me tho, etc, BEFORE this happened, I honestly don't think he would have ever left and I don't think he would have taken their original A (EA with makeout sessions in the park) to a full on R. My lack of being able to DB from the get-go definitely drove him to run from me and to her.

Do you think the best approach for RC is to have little if not no interaction?

I don't know. I can see it both ways and there are some here that say that sharing kids is a benefit because it forces more interactions and therefore there are more opportunities to show them your changes. That doesn't make sense to me because having kids and having to share that for me made things all the more painful. Also, if the goal is to make the changes for us and not them, them that shouldn't really matter right? So I don't think their is an easy answer to that.

I am not going to bore you and go on and on and on, but Mark, reading the rest of your post breaks my heart. As suspected you have not accepted your reality. One of dearest friends was so brutally honest with my post-BD and it HURT SO, SO MUCH, but now, years later I can tell you that it is what I needed to hear. So Mark, my dear, I am so sorry but I am going to hit you with some truth darts and I do so with love, because we are all brothers and sisters here. I want you to move forward and I want you to start healing, and I only think you can start that if you see the truth:

OM is a real person and your W has left you for him. It is terrible, but it has happened. She may never leave OM and if some day she does, she most likely will not come back to the M. Your M as you knew it is dead, gone, over, and is history. You deserve a W that loves you and respects you. The only person now that can save you, is YOU. You do this by deciding that you deserve better than her and you start to create a life without her and without focus on her. You accept that she will never even think about coming back to you, or even looking over her shoulder, until she sees a man that is strong and knows his worth. Your worthy of better than her, Mark. Mark is a man that is too good to wait and to try and be friends with her. A man that knows his worth does not want to be friends with a woman (not any woman but a WIFE) that lies, cheats, and gives up on her family. Can you accept this?

Mark, I want you to get angry. I want you to allow the sadness in! Please do not postpone your process any longer by not accepting your reality. Then, and only then, can you start to heal.

Blu