Ah, I think you've put your finger right on the line, Tread, between DB to influence your WS and detachment. Some are in a situation where they have been given clear signals by a WS, and GAL and 180s make sense because a WS is unsure. But it keeps you on the ropes.
For others, dealing with more extreme behaviour, there is no choice but to detach. The tricky bit is to do it with love and grace.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I've realized that the personality of your WS plays a huge role in this as well. If you have someone who is naturally stubborn, then going straight to detaching might be the best option. But the problem is the LBS isn't going to be ready to detach for months after BD or even years in some cases. Everything with Db'ing is trial and error. They time is on our side, but I am not sure how that really helps. It seems the WS view you tolerating their bs for weakness.
That is my situation my W has went stone cold dbing herself. It puts me in a position to detach as much as I can. I read a lot of other posts where the W is really cake eating, still coming around, engaging in relationship talks. Mine just left and cut me off at the knee caps, completely done. We haven't talked about our R or D in over a month and she has not once acknowledged any of my changes.
That is the tough part. You want to make all these wonderful changes. But you want to keep your WS as well. You these changes will somehow inspire the WS to turn back to who they were. Then you can make the necessary changes in your MR. We all chose to be with these people for a reason. I guess the main fear is that WS may end up in better relationship, while you never find someone that compares to the person they were. And the person benefiting from that is some dirtbag AP.
Stop thinking like this. It does nothing good for you. As a wise man in this board said,
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
The future is as bright as you demand it to be.
The WW usually takes the first person who shows some emotional support for them/is going through a similar situation. It is quite rare two people just find each other like that and are a perfect match. When you detach, GAL, make yourself the best you - you have reflected through your issues and you have ultimately found what you are after, you have learned to be alone and found the happiness within. You can date as long as you want, thus you have MUCH better chance of finding someone who is as "good" as your XW - or even a better match, who knows?! Of course they could end up in a good relationship too but statistically it is rare. Realize this: it is very rare that people have thoroughly self-reflected and know what happiness is, where it stems from, what energy is. +90% of people go through their lives with a fixed mindset (I was born like this, I'm never going to achieve that, sigh tomorrow I have to work again etc). Us DBers - we KNOW that we are in CONTROL of ourselves - we can make our own happiness and we are not dependent of anyone else!
Like 25 said in another thread, it is VERY high percentage of WASs who regret leaving their previous spouse. ESPECIALLY if that spouse is attractive as f- nowadays due to GAL, 180s, fixed issues and seem to be happy in their current life.
Keep at it Tread. I know I think like you do, but it really serves no purpose
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
My W has apparently left the home, but has been by everyday. Yesterday she had S13 until about 9:30pm. She came home cooked dinner for all of us, talked with me about the PTA meeting that I missed. Briefly spoke about her job. Took some food to go and left. I try not to even look at her and acknowledge her presence. But that is extremely with someone cooking for you and telling you to come eat.
W seems to care about me in regards to eating. Other that, I don't have a clue that is going through that wayward mind. To ignore her, while she is trying to take care if me makes me feel like an a**. So I validate and say as little as possible. I even offer to help. But other than when she shows up, I am going dark.
The WW usually takes the first person who shows some emotional support for them/is going through a similar situation. It is quite rare two people just find each other like that and are a perfect match.
EXACTLY!!!!! Hit the sweet spot right there.
This precisely describes the little EA my W had in the beginning. The dude was going through his own separation and they found common cause. W realized however he's a total dirtbag. hahahahaha! I can laugh about it now, but I was definitely angry about it then - still am now, but it's going away slowly.
Don't mean to toot my own horn, but the little I know about this dumba$$ - he didn't hold a candle to me. I take great satisfaction in that regard.
Your probably right. Found myself on the toilet this morning as soon as I crawled out of bed. Either I caught what my co-worker had the other day or W got me with one of my favorite foods.😔
That is the same with OM in my sitch. This guy is serial cheater who had kust got back with his W a little over a year prior. She got fed up with him after multiples A that he was having with other wives. On paper this piece of sh*t isn't competition with his stragly beard and bloated belly.
I think it is common knolwedge that the A person is usually a step down from the LBS. With that said I don't think that person has any bearing on whether or not the S returns back to the marriage. I suppose that is why we should not get too focused on who the A is with and place all the focus on us to improve.
