Thanks for your thoughtful answer! I have to say, for someone that has only been here a couple months, I am impressed at how much you are willing to think about things and your motivation to work hard at this without being derailed by emotions. If you read my sitch, you would know that I failed at this for a long time and I didn't even post after BD; perhaps I just couldn't endure the 2*4s like some of you brave people!

My post was initially me just wanting to know what "LO" stood for. The only thing I was able to find online was "Limerance Object." Is that how you are using it? I hear what you are saying about OM and the stages of limerance. Yes, you are correct that often Rs go through a period of deterioration. Mine certainly did and we were separated for 10 long months while he was with OW.

I have also spent my fair share of time demonizing OW. TBH, the more my H and I work on our piecing process, the more I can see that the A truly was a limerance R, a fantasy, one where he was trying to escape his life, and one where she did most of the initiating and pursuing. It doesn't however change the pain of the betrayal though because he still broke my heart and essentially turned my life upside down. It has been a tremendously difficult process to repair the damage and learn to love him again.

So I want to press you a little bit harder. I think the language we use is telling about our intentions. Referring to OM as Affair Person and Limerance Object in my POV dehumanizes him. I think my H's ex-OW (who mind you posed as a close friend for many years) has no moral compass, has a personality disorder, is pathetic, selfish, and a desperate wh-re. Guess what tho? She is still a human being and for whatever reason for that period of time, he still chose her.

I am concerned about two things for you. 1. that you are dehumanizing him and keeping this wall up to protect yourself emotionally. This is terribly painful and it is important at some point to accept this harsh reality and start the grieving process. I haven't seen this in any of your posts and I am concerned. 2. I think you are sure that their R will come to an end and you are focused on keeping yourself a better option in hopes she will eventually see it. I know others here have told you the same thing so I am sorry to repeat it. The 180s and GAL have got to be for you and you only. It's time to let go and live your life. I don't see that happening yet and I hope you can get there!

I think it's time to let go of her and start your grieving process. It has been said here that the M is dead and gone and we will never get it back. A small percentage of us will have a chance to have a new R with our spouse, but most won't. I have been very, very fortunate to have this opportunity. But I'll tell you this Mark, I was not keeping myself the better option, not at all. I don't think he was trying to leave the M, limerance or not, so he found his way back.

I think you are still focused on if and when her A comes to an end. Maybe she will think she "made the biggest mistake of her life,' but more likely she won't. It seems that most WWs do not return to the M and often used the A to exit the M. That appeared to very much be the case with my H's ex-OW. When my H left her and came back to me, she moved right on to OM2. I mean within a few weeks! Heck, we have some reasons to believe she was already involved with OM2. Now, 2 years later, I have heard she is getting M to OM2. None of it makes senses--her H was truly the prize over all these men; he is highly intelligent, attractive, a hard worker & provider, a great dad, and he is fun and funny! She didn't want to go back to the M, she was done when she left, and my (limited) opinion is that she is not willing and/or able to look at herself. Some people want to leave the past behind them and keep going for what is shiney and new. I sort of pity these people because her H and her had a beautiful family and home and she just cowardly ran to others to feel good about herself. The thing is tho, that even tho we all see that, it doesn't matter, she will do what she will do. And FYI her H DB'd his tail off--far better than I did--and she still never looked back. ... Now tho, he has the benefits of the hard work he put in and he has moved on.

I am sorry if this was all over the place. You don't have to give a lengthy response and dissect it. Plus, you are obviously very intelligent and convincing in your posts :-) Here is the thing tho, that doesn't help you and may be hurting you. Being right doesn't equal being happy. Let her go, Mark, please. And stop focusing on when the A dies and if she regrets it. That is her problem. You just start at square one and get really f-ing sad. Your W just kicked you to the curb and replaced you with some other man--it's awful and it's time to get sad and angry! I happen to think all the GAL and 180s will only take you so far if you haven't fully accepted the M is over first.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela