Limerence and My Situation Pt3

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Mark_P]Hello All,

I wish I could reverse the home situation but can't GB basically favours the mother/wife irrelevant of the circumstance's.


But this^^ is NOT about custody, it's about OM living in your marital home with your children, and you not.

I understand the stress you felt with her galavanting around out of the home with OM.
I really do.

Maybe detaching more and seeing an IC could have helped you cope - OR you staying in the home and her leaving (Did you ever discuss that with her?)

it is also about not exposing your kids to an OM in the home and acting like a replacement. Did you see a lawyer about this?

(Again, I am not referring to her getting custody but about OM in the marital home). Can you see a L now and explore your options?

I feel as if you assume the position of powerlessness and that concerns me.

I tried to "outstay" her but the atmosphere was damaging to the boys so had to move out had no choice!

Do you believe the present situation is actually better for the boys? It would confuse me.

I understand your thoughts on the safety net but just cant get my head around her wanting to come back to the M if I don't show her a better option but again what I'm doing is primary for me then her.

A LOT of this is hard to wrap our brains around. We project OUR feelings & values onto the WAS and figure this is what WE would need in order to return, but we are not them and they are not us.

We have to believe only what we see, Not what we wish for or once had or what they say...

The suggestion is not to be the worse option. It's to show her that her choices will cost her the marriage and that she is losing you. You are not giving her anything to miss by friending her.


No offense - but what you describe about being her friend, does not sound like a potential lover or mate for her to return to. It's more like a co-worker she can dump her workload on...Sorry

We cant control anything these people do so the AP/LO in my house again is something I couldn't stop from happening, I'm open to options from anyone..?


See a L for your actual options and do not assume a position of powerlessness -

and talk to an IC about how to deal with this. It has to be incredibly difficult. As much as we are all hurt, I think the sukkiest situations are when there are children around and an OM/OW involved. I feel for you.

Always said that basically my hands are tied and just have to work on me and have faith that one of them comes to their senses.


This ^^ is such a weak position. It does Not increase your chances of a reconciliation. I think that's what many posters are trying to say.

It's not about whether you should file for divorce, it's that your chances of a recon are lessened by this course. By being her friend and showing her that she can have her cake and eat it too, you enable her to live this way as long as she wants.
And if this affair does not last forever, why assume she'd return to you and not just find another man, again?

She knows she can have you around as a part time co-parent and flattering fan, AND she can have other lovers, even living in the house you are paying for.

I read an article from a WAH who left his first wife for OW.

He had an A and married the OW. A few years passed while his ex wife raised their kids mostly as a single mother. She did not date much for a few years.

He wrote that he saw her singleness as proof that he was better off with OW, b/c after all, his ex was obviously not very desirable if she was alone. He felt sure that if he wanted to return, she'd take him back.

When the kids were a bit older, she started to date. She met a man who treated her well and she loved him and married him. She was happy and she was at peace. He saw her and her new h treating each other well and finally saw that she was happy and loved.

ONLY THEN did the WAH realize he'd been a fool. Only then did he realize what he'd done, and what he had lost, the mother of his children and a great partner. He deeply hurt his family and he felt like crap...

Only when someone else wanted his ex, did he realize that he had not "won" anything.

To be clear, I'm NOT suggesting you use OW to date! I am saying you have given your wife nothing to miss...

And finally, I have to ask you a really hard question.

What do you believe your sons are learning about marriage and boundaries by being your wife's friend, and letting OM move into your home to "step parent" your kids and sleep in your bed, while you leave the home and live elsewhere?

Hey, I like that you are not acting with anger. And I don't think it's a spouses job to teach a WAS "a lesson" or give them the consequences that they've earned.

Life does that.

But you are actually preventing your w from learning a lesson or facing any consequences.