There will come a time with no more tears

[Treasur]

Maybe we should aim for something in September?

I think what's different is I don't care how the email reads to him. I'm just saying my piece. I don't think anything I say or feel makes any difference to him right now. Funnily enough, I remember years ago trying to encourage him to think about how he could handle his mother's rages differently. I said that the good thing about dealing with crazy is that it would make no difference what you did, so you might as well please yourself.

This wasn't who my H was. It is what he is now. I have no idea what he will be on the other side, but I'm done with hoping my H is still in there. The love really doesn't change, but the practicalities do.

[OwnIt]

Treasur,

I'm intrigued by what you've just written. I feel like I'm in the same place. I've said some pretty mean things as of late and have completely stopped tiptoeing, trying to validate, or not get on his nerves. He gets snippy back, we stop communicating, and then one or the other needs something we just act like nothing happened. I don't think mine pays any attention to how I react to him.

[Treasur]

I don't think the email was mean but it was blunt. I'm not expecting any response from my H. He'll either call to talk about financial stuff next week or he won't.

Some of it is we probably get tired of the crazy, OwnIt. A life - even second hand - with depression, and anger and destructiveness in it isn't a good place to be and it's exhausting. I wish with all my heart that my H was capable of empathy or kindness towards me, but I see no sign of that. I think he can now do some version of rational which does mean I can deal with some of the practical stuff now he's refused to deal with for 18 months. But he just wants 'it done' (by which I assume he means the final bits of D from what he's said). If he feels regret or remorse or compassion for me, it's not visible in what he says or does.

So, the good news is that things can get dealt with legally. The bad news is that he is still far from healthy because a healthy normal person would show some empathy for the truly awful impact his choices have had on my life, even if he still wanted a life without me.

If I'm kind, I think he may just be on the edge of realising some things and they may feel so overwhelming to look at that he can't bear it. Running is still easier for him, I suspect, and in a way I can understand that. If you are sitting on a bucket of emotions including shame, much easier to be cold and numb. Unfortunately, because of his choices and because of how long it has taken him to get here, we've just run out of time. And I've run out of faith if not love. I'm almost as shocked by the love not running out as I am by what has happened to us and what chaos he has created! Strangely, my gut instinct is that he loves me still and that over the next year or so, he will start to remember that.

But every bit of me is screaming that I need to let him go and walk away, so there it is.

[Treasur]

And his reply

Sorry should have replied earlier.

Yes next Wednesday same time is fine. No problem.

So, I get what I need this week which is a break. I think he's completely indifferent to me actually. I'm having dinner with a friend tomorrow instead - much nicer for me!

[Treasur]

Oh dear, can't sleep...head looping round on what the hell happened to my H and if I'm right to believe that the 'core' him no longer really exists in his depressed fog...grrr.

Changes nothing, but I wish I could just see a glimmer.

[Jmstl]

That was well written and gives me comfort in my own situation. Thank you for sharing

[OwnIt]

I do know that in time you will stop asking what happened because you will accept that you will never know that. I still worry about what effect this will have on my kids and how I can help to prevent them going down this path in their own lives. Once I get out of here I hope to make every moment count so that they never question my love or our ability to have a wonderful life.

[Gordie]

Treasur,

Hugs for you. I hate when this stuff keeps me up and the why's and what ifs won't stop.

I think your H in crisis can only see and feel himself. Stinks for you, but that's why they say keep expectations to zero. All expectations just lead to disappointments, I have learned the hard way.

Hope you had a nice dinner with your friend.

[Treasur]

Thanks, Gordie - did get back to sleep eventually. Annoyed with myself though because I'd just been getting the detachment thing down pat! Hey ho.

You're right. Sadly (but realistically) my expectations are to be divorced and never see or hear from him again. Which is rough after 20 years. But H is obviously entirely happy without my face in his life. Shame - it's a very nice face!

[Treasur]

Question for vets who saw MLCers 'come out of the fog' and heard their POV. Did any part of them still love us or did they only remember those feelings as they came out?

I ask because I think it is something that many of us really struggle with if our spouses are in MLC and unrecognisable. Might not change anything but a small comfort if true.